Just So You Know....

Talking badly about a people group (race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, country of origin, etc.) whether you are in front of them or not is not okay. Making stereotypical statements about a people group is also not okay. Saying negative things about a people group in front of the parents of a child in that people group is definitely not okay. And then exclaiming the child is "not really" a part of that people group is just plain idiotic. Just so you know.

High Heels for Preschoolers: Yay or Nay?

This photo was recently published in some celebrity magazine. I am not one to read celebrity gossip but I do like looking at photos of their children because they're cute and I like watching them grow up. This photo specifically drew a lot of criticism. Suri Cruise is close to the same age as Mateo, three and a half. And here she is wearing high heeled shoes, and it's not been the only time. Katie Holmes defended herself by saying they are ballroom dancing shoes for kids and that Suri likes dressing up like her mom. Before the baby was born, we didn't have to think about this kind of thing. But now I find myself wondering....what would I do if Maya asked to wear high heels at three years old?

What do you think? Is this just innocent dress-up or perpetuating an unhealthy trend of kids growing up too quickly? Let me know how you feel about it and if you'd let your daughter wear high heels before age 10.

Why Does One Mom Always Have to Ruin it for the Rest of Us!

Since one or two over-involved moms (or maybe dads) made a big deal about children celebrating Halloween in our public school system, it is banned. The kids can not dress up in costumes on (or this year, the day before) Halloween in any schools, including Mateo's preschool. So, the school tried to get around this by instead having a storybook character parade where the kids can dress up as their favorite storybook character and bring the book in to class. Well, to me, this means having to buy two costumes, since he already picked out a lovely over priced skeleton costume. So Dave and I naturally, being the slacker parents we are, tried to figure out a way around this.

First, I combed the book store for a book about skeletons. No luck. Dave wanted me to order one online just for the socio-political statement it makes but that's just as much work as buying or making a new one. So it cancels itself out. You're following my logic here, right?

So, we brainstormed at dinner tonight. Since Mateo doesn't really have a favorite book, we're a blank slate. Here were some of our best ideas. Okay, maybe "best" is the wrong word. Here are some of our...ideas.

* the Bible - Draw on a beard and dress him in robes and bare feet. (Jesus)

* "Hope" (the Obama book) - dress him in a blue suit with a red tie and a "change" pin. (Obama)

Those were the more expensive ones. Here are the free ones.

* "I'm a Big Brother" - self-explanatory.

* "Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You?" - dress him in all brown.

* Any of the millions of car books we have - use his costume from last year of a race car driver.

The only problem with all of these ideas is that there is very little chance that Mateo will actually wear any of these costumes. I don't even know if he'll wear the skeleton one on Halloween even for candy. I pretty much had to force his on him last year. If it feels like a costume and not regular clothes, he won't wear it. I want to at least attempt to send him dressed up because I don't want him to be the only one without a costume. I don't know if he would care or not, or if he would even notice. But in case he does notice, I don't want him to feel left out because of me. So....

What do you think? Any ideas for a costume that is cheap or free and doesn't feel like a costume but looks like one and that also goes along with a children's book?

Dave's Advice to New Fathers

"Play your X-box/Playstation/Wii as much as possible until the baby is born. Then sell it and use the money to buy the best diaper contraption on the market, lots of air fresheners, and a big handful of those yellow gloves that go up to your elbows."

What We May Be Doing Right

I don't actually credit myself with much while parenting Mateo, but one thing I'll say for myself is that we seem to have figured out one strategy that's helped. I'll tell you what it is but you have to promise not to say, "Duh!" to me, okay? Okay.

We learned to lower our expectations to start. I don't expect Mateo to do what I say, when I say it. Especially without a little resistance at first. But I find if I repeat what I want and give him a little time, he usually does it. We have to treat him a little more delicately and with a little more flexibility and sensitivity. And it really does help him, and us, not having the pressure to be "normal", but to just be who we are at the time we're in. And when I stop trying to conform to what society expects of Mateo or our family, we all do much better.

The continuation of our "schedule" is coming up next. And I have some new photos to post.

Daily Schedule My A**!

I've read on a couple different blogs now, a daily schedule for the children, mostly related to homeschooling. But as I was reading, I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of it all. So I've written my own parallel schedule of my day with Mateo. I'm just mentioning Mateo in this schedule, since he's the funny one. Keep in mind, this is a bad day. He does have days that go better than this. But I thought I'd show the full realm of how bad it could be.

6:30 am - Mateo comes in Mommy's bedroom, I put him back in his. 1st attempt at wake up time.

7:00 am - 2nd attempt at wake up time.

7:24 am - 3rd attempt at wake up time. I finally give in and drag my butt out of bed.

7:25 am- Mateo demands in an increasingly loud voice that he would like breakfast ASAP. As in now!

7:27 - Mateo eats oatmeal. I try to get a bra and some deodorant on.

7:30 - Mateo demands more breakfast. Mommy says wait (still working on the bra step) and Mateo screams.

7:31 - Mommy tells Mateo he can have more breakfast when he asks nicely.

7:32 - Mateo throws his spoon across the room.

Let's just skip ahead a little...

7:55 - Breakfast is done. Noggin is on TV. Mateo is playing with cars. Mommy starts count down for Mateo to get dressed.

8:00 - Warning #1

8:05 - Warning #2

8:06 - Warning #3

8:07 - Mommy tells Mateo it's time to get dressed. Mateo runs away.

8:09 - Mommy chases Mateo then proceeds to wrestle him into his clothes using various threats and bribes.

8:30 - Play time!

8:32 - Mateo whines for juice and to eat again.

8:33- Mommy asks Mateo to wait until snack time for juice and to eat, Mateo begins explosive tantrum.

8:34 - Mommy contemplates the pros and cons of giving in to juice and a snack or holding my ground for him to wait until later. Mommy makes decision to negotiate.

8:36 - Mommy asks Mateo if he would like some water or milk now while waiting until snack time. Mateo doesn't negotiate, cue larger tantrum.

9:00 - After numerous attempts at distraction, negotiation, and calming techniques, Mateo has hit/bit/scratched/thrown toy/etc. and ended up in a time-out.

9:15 - After Mateo stops calling names, spitting, and screaming at the top of his lungs in time-out, he apologizes to Mommy and is let free.

9:17 - Mateo asks for juice and to eat. Mommy sighs, looks at the clock, and realizes it's snack time anyway.

9:20 - Snack. Mommy attempts to get dressed, brush teeth, contacts in, etc. Then discovers Mateo has fingerpainting/mashed/squished his snack on himself, the table, and the floor.

9:30 - Snack time over.

9:32 - Mommy collapses on the couch after realizing it's only 9:30 in the morning.

9:40 - We decide (meaning Mateo) to go outside and play. Commence act of putting on shoes.

10:05 - We finally go outside.

10:15 - Mateo's powerwheels truck is not charged (Mommy silently curses Daddy for that one), Mateo flips out. He calls the truck "stupid" multiple times, then flips it over upside down.

10:20 - We go inside because Mateo just can't get over it. Use TV as a distraction until we can move on.

10:45 - Mommy suggests play-dough. This goes well.

11:00 - Until Mateo wants something specific to work with the play-dough that just doesn't and he gets frustrated.

11:10 - Play-dough away with much drama.

11:30 - Lunch! Mateo eats exactly nothing, even though he states he is hungry over and over.

To be continued...

The Trials of Loving Mateo

First of all, sorry this is long. But I had to write it. We are at the point now in our parenting journey with Mateo where we've tried every technique and strategy we've thought of, read, or someone told us to do, and have had no lasting real results or change. I've blamed myself, evaluated my parenting strengths and weaknesses, asked others to evaluate my parenting, and blamed myself some more.

We started off being consistent parents with high standards. But after parenting Mateo for almost two years, the term "picking your battles" has taken on a new meaning. Because everything is a battle. And our standards have dropped, in some ways. Because honestly, who has the energy to make a battle out of everything? So we let a lot of things go. And let me remind you, this is after two years of really trying to change behavior. Because if we choose the battle, we know we're in it for the long haul. Which could mean five minutes or it could mean more than an hour. And the battle could include spitting, scratching, hitting, tantruming, throwing things, calling names, knocking things over, and so on. So you have to ask yourself, a) do I have the time to fight this battle right now b) do I have the energy to fight this battle and c) do I have the patience not to get the sudden urge to get in the car and drive as far away from here as possible?

I'm positive that it wouldn't matter what parents Mateo had, he would still be Mateo, and still struggling like he is now. So I quit blaming myself. Although I have my doubts if I'm doing the right thing, I'm convinced that it's not my fault. Even spoiled children don't have the same issues Mateo does.

So, to other people who don't know us well, don't know our journey, or how far we've come, it would seem as if we're spoiling him and creating this monster. I know that if I was on the outside I would think the same thing. It's true we choose to ignore a lot but unless we want our entire existence to be centered around time-outs and behavior management plans, we just have to. That, and we're tired. So tired. Sometimes I just can not think of a thing to do except cover my head with my hands and cry. It sounds terrible, I know. Sometimes it is that terrible. And sometimes it's not. Some days are really great. But inevitably, after a good day, or a few good days, things go back to "normal". It's funny. I used to think that the good days were normal and the bad days weren't.

Now that he's three, and this has been going on for almost two years, I'm fearful. I know you are probably thinking, he's only three. Three year olds are always difficult, don't label him yet, there's time to change, and all that. But it's hard not to think of the future. Just watching Mateo's inability to cope with anything makes me genuinely worried. Any emotion, feeling, problem, frustration, he just can't cope. You can't get very far in life without the ability to cope. And I don't mean after a long time of trying he loses it. Mateo doesn't wind up to being upset. His switch comes on in seconds. Literally seconds and he's gone off the deep end. And I can't get him back for a while. And usually the problems or frustrations come one after another, over and over, to the point that he's miserable and I'm miserable for an entire afternoon. And he may never recover fully until there's some big change. Either a nap, or going for a ride somewhere, or maybe putting a movie in. It isn't my favorite thing to do as a parent but I do rely on the TV a lot. I never thought I would be that kind of parent. But then again, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do, that I have.

Lately I've been feeling very sad for Mateo. No kid should have the troubles he has. A kid should just be a kid. They should be happy and carefree, not miserable because of the tiniest little things. I really hope this isn't his whole childhood. I hope for his sake (and mine, I suppose) he can stabilize a bit. For now, we really can't follow through much with consequences. Most of the time all we can do is help (or wait for) Mateo to calm down so we can move on. We do make him use his words if he's been screaming. And we do make him apologize if he's hurt someone, physically or by calling names. But he still does it, all the time.

The two main reactions I have when talking to people about Mateo are judgment and disbelief. People will run down the list. Have you tried this... or maybe if you do that .... or he just needs...whatever. If the solution was so easy, don't you think two intelligent, resourceful people such as ourselves would have tried it? And we have. We've read so many books, I've attended so many parenting/adoption/behavior workshops, we've talked to so many professionals. But I have yet to find a strategy that a) works and b) is practical for real life. And other people, who haven't seen this side of Mateo (although it is becoming more apparent and he is losing the ability to hold it together for long) stare at me in shock and horror. Who? Mateo? No way! He's so good. All (enter age) year olds are like that. And then I feel like an idiot who's making a big deal out of normal kid things. So I either stop telling people about it or, if I really want to or need to, I tell them how he put a hole in our wall (which he did). That usually helps them believe me.

Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on the positive. This, of course, also relates to what kind of day we've had. Has he been on a really good streak, where he's listening well, behaving appropriately, etc? Or has it been a really bad day (or few days) where he is all of things I wrote above? This will determine my reaction to other people. But most of the time, I feel like he's a handful. A big handful. And when people see him in public or at church Sunday School when he is behaving well (not saying he usually behaves well in public) they comment on how good he is, or cute, or smart, or whatever. And I usually think to myself, yeah right, you should've seen him this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Of course we all have those moments with our kids. Strangers or acquaintances see this angelic child all dressed up in cute clothes and an innocent grin when you could have torn the little devil's head off just a few moments before. That's normal. But with Mateo, it's very hard for me to agree that, yes, he is a good boy. Not because I think he is bad. But....we struggle. And when I'm having a particularly hard day, I literally have to think of all the wonderful, funny, cute, and loving things about him, just to keep the negative thoughts away. Of course, I'll always be his mom. And I'll always feel like his mom. I have very strong maternal instincts. Even when I don't particularly like him at one time or another, I'll always be there to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. Maybe that's the only thing I can do for him. Maybe I can't change anything but just love him through it. Maybe that's something another family couldn't do and that's why he's come to us.

Anyway, there it is. Typing all of this out has helped me process all my feelings. Maybe some of you are dealing with the same types of problems, feelings, whatever, and now you know you're not alone. I don't really know. Maybe this was a post just for me and that's all. Either way, I hope you'll keep your comments positive. I already feel self-conscious of my parenting. I don't need anymore judgment.

Standards

My standards have dropped.

I used to:

put Mateo in pajamas for bed every night.

make sure his socks were clean, matching, and never worn more than one day in a row.

get myself dressed (other than sweats and t-shirts) every day.

clean the house for friends, family, and speech therapists.

make sure Mateo's clothes always matched.

planned enriching, stimulating, and educational activities that don't involve staring at lights and ceiling fans (poor Maya).


Now I:

make Mateo sleep in his clothes for the next day so it's less to do in the morning to get him off to daycare.

am happy to find socks that are the same color. The cleanliness is often questionable.

put a bra on before noon.

apologize to friends, family, and speech therapists for the condition of my house.

make sure Mateo has clothes on for the right season, matching them for church and special occasions.

convince myself that staring at the computer screen is enriching, the ceiling fan is stimulating, and watching mommy talk on the phone is educational.


Have you standards changed in going from one child to two?

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I took the kids to the mall cause it was a rainy day and Mateo needed to burn off some energy (we have a very small house). The bad day started on the way back. We got a new double stroller and this was my first time trying to get it back into the trunk of the car. First off, it was a bitch to fold up. Then it wouldn't fit in the car. I was in the mall parking lot for at least five minutes trying to maneuver it this way and that, the baby was in the car seat screaming her head off, Mateo is yelling for juice, and I have never wanted to drop the F-bomb so badly in all my life. Which, by the way, I am not a big swearer at all, so that was kind of a big deal, especially when I jammed my finger folding the dang thing up.

So when I got home, Mateo was sleeping so I put him down for a nap. Our dog, Luca, usually stays outside when we leave the house, but it was raining so I locked her in the playroom like I always do. When I went to let her out, I noticed that she pooped. But not like an ordinary dog would poop on the floor or under a table or something. No, my dog had to poop on top of Mateo's train table. Seriously, have you ever known a dog to scale furniture to take a dump? Ridiculous. I was so pissed and disgusted I ended up calling Dave on the phone to complain about the whole thing. Then I cleaned it up with some paper towels and as I was carrying it to the bathroom, it fell out of the towels onto my bare foot. Gross. So, even more pissed, I washed my foot then went back to the train table to clean the rest up. But there were little pieces stuck in the track that I just couldn't get out. So, I had to wait till it dried up, then suck it out with the vacuum extension. I know it's gross but I feel I have to give you the full extent of what I went through (woe is me!).

So, during all this, I thought Mateo had gone back to sleep in his room. But no, instead, he emptied all his drawers all over the floor and made a huge mess. I felt a little bad cause I yelled at him and said, "Mommy is NOT messing around today!" But he eventually fell asleep. Right in time for the baby to wake up and poop all over herself (gotta love when it gets all the way down to their socks). I was so done with poop that day.

I Need Some Celebrity Friends`

So I was watching Extra or Access Hollywood or some show like that and they had a special segment about celebrity birthday parties. This was brought about because Suri Cruise's birthday is around this time and last year they spent a reported $100,000 on her party. Will they double it this year? Why not? It's not like they're running out of money.

Anyway, the guest on the show was a celebrity party planner who described how to throw a FAB-U-LOUS party for your tot, complete with over-the-top themes, giant cakes, and....gift bags! She said that a $300 gift bag (at a children's party, mind you) was skimpy. Seriously. I need some celebrity friends! So, with Mateo's birthday coming up, I thought I'd do a side-by-side comparison of birthday parties; celebrity style vs. non-celebrity cheapo mom style.

Celebrity Party: Exotic animals and petting zoo
My Party: Luca, our boston-beagle mix

Celebrity Party: $300 gift bag
My Party: $3 gift bag

Celebrity Party: full candy bar complete with real gumball machine
My party: $15 pinata

Celebrity Party: catered 5 course meal and open bar for adults
My party: juice boxes for kids and a couple 6 packs for adults

Celebrity Party: professional clown or magician
My party: drunk uncle?


So, whose party would you go to?

Anyone Have a Superwoman Mommy Gene?

My husband and I fought almost all night long about who's turn it is to get up with _____ (enter Mateo, baby, dog). This is the conversation we had in the morning. Oh, and yes, we play the martyr game. You know, who's got it worse during the day.

Dave: If we can teach the baby to sleep through the night, it would be much easier. Can't we feed her something more substantial before bed?

Me: Oh sure. I'll just cook her up a steak.

Dave: Well, it's got be easier for you. Your mommy hormones kick in.

Me: What? Sorry but there is no superwoman gene that suddenly activates and makes me spring into action in the middle of the night. It's a choice. I chose not to let the baby cry. I have to drag my ass out of bed just like you, just like the rest of the parents of the world. There is no magical power here.

Dave: (sounding disappointed) There's not?

Then I told him to ask his friends at work who are dads if having a young baby is hard, stressful, and if they have to get up at night too. So, of course, his only frame of reference is his boss who is married to a very traditional Polish woman who takes on all the housework, childcare, and also works full time. Whatever! I told him that I'm not Polish and they'll probably be divorced in 10 years when she realizes how much she resents him.

Anyway, I'll spare you the rest of the details. But, really, anyone here have a supermommy gene that makes them more capable of dealing with stress and sleep deprivation? Or do you agree with me that it's just a load of B.S.?

What is With People???

I took the baby to Walmart today to pick up a few things. She was great through most of the trip despite hating the car seat, especially when it's not in the car moving at at least 65 mph. But it all went down hill when we got to check-out. She might have been a bit hungry (although she shouldn't have been but babies rarely do what they should). She also realized she was in a car seat that wasn't in the car and started screaming her little pink head off. Seriously, the child has a good set of lungs and she knows how to use them. She's also a bit of a drama queen. So I finished up as quick as I could while swinging her car seat around trying to mimic the motion of a car on the freeway. There wasn't much I could do at that point but we were leaving soon and I knew she would fall asleep on the way home.

But everybody and their mother (especially old ladies) for some reason thought it was their business that my baby was crying. I have never seen such nasty looks in all my life. You would've thought I was abusing my kid the way these ladies were looking at me. One lady actually stood in front of me for, like, two minutes and stared back and forth from me to the baby with a look of disgust.

Have you never seen a baby cry? Last I checked babies don't die from crying so unless you want to whip out your nipple and feed her, move along please!

I was so shaken, pissed, and embarrassed by the experience that I am hesitant to ever take the baby out in public again. Oh, and I should mention, when I take Mateo out and he cries, everyone either tries to help or assumes he's tired and needs a nap. Why is this any different?

Has anyone else experienced this reaction?

Things I've Learned About Babies

Things I've Learned About Babies:

1) Baby formula is the most disgusting stuff I've ever seen (or smelled). It's even worse coming out.

2) Babies sure do fart a lot. I'm pretty sure mine could win a contest.

3) They also eat a lot. I guess the three meals a day plus two snacks doesn't really work with babies. Maya is chowing down all day and all night long.

4) Babies poop is way worse than even an untrained almost preschooler's.

5) They make all sorts of funny noises that keep you up all night wondering if they are about to die of SIDS. Or are secretly aliens communicating with the mother ship.

And I just have to mention, I now understand why women are so obsessed by their baby's weight. While moms think the world stops at every ounce their baby gains, everyone else wonders why it's so great that your baby weighs the same as a sack of potatoes. Let me just say, I get it! And on that note: my baby weighs 9 lbs. 12 oz. And she's only 6 weeks old! (I have no idea if that's good or not, but to me, she should win some kind of metal.)

Updates

Here are some quick updates about the family.

1) Baby is adjusting very nicely. The nurses said she cries a lot but they must have her confused with another baby. She is the happiest, easiest baby I have ever met. Healthy and developing normally. We feel very lucky, but also a little (okay, a lot) nervous about the future. We really don't want to lose her.

2) Mateo's adjustment is exactly to be expected. He loves the baby but is also jealous and a bit resentful. Sometimes he's worried when she cries and wants to help. Other times he wants her to go bye-bye. He's acting a little differently too. Which is normal for a big change in the family like this.

3) Speaking of attitude, Mateo has a lot of it. I know I've said that before but especially since the baby's been here. Actually, he's acting like a teenager. Crossing his arms and pouting, and running to his bedroom when he's mad and slamming the door while yelling, "Noooo!" We are giving him a lot of grace during this time because I know it must be hard on him.

4) Food. I've been using food to ease my guilt about not having as much time for Mateo. Working 3 days a week, I already feel like I don't spend enough time with him, but now it's even worse. So, I've been giving Mateo lots of "treats" to make him happy and feel special. Mostly it just makes me feel better. I may have to explain when he's older why he has a compulsion for eating jellybeans when he's upset. Ha, ha.

5) Dave is completely in love with the baby. Now remember, he was the one who said he never wanted a newborn. Well, I don't think he'd trade her for the world. Which is going to make it very hard if she has to leave. But he's great with her. He loves to hold her and fall asleep with her on his chest.

6) Me. Well, I thought I could be removed from the situation and still take care of the baby. I thought, a baby is a baby, and I'll just provide for her needs until I know it's safe for me to love her. Too late. She fits so perfectly into my arms, like she was meant to be there, forever. And as soon as she looked into my eyes, I was hooked. Now I'm not sure what I'll do if we lose her. I think I've decided that IF she does have to go to birth family, I would keep fostering babies until we could keep one. I actually think it will be easier on Mateo to adjust to an infant than to a toddler. But let's hope we don't have to make that decision. We are praying like crazy that she can be ours forever.

7) Remember a few months back when I wrote that prayer about getting our "mellow" child. Well, Maya is mellow yellow jello. So really, pray we can keep her. That's what it all boils down to.

Confessions of a Bad Mom

My "Bad Mom" Secrets (inspired by this Oprah show):

I have...

threatened to throw every single toy in the garbage and give it to the garbage truck to take to the dump forever and ever.

gone more than one day without even offering a vegetable or fruit with a meal.

bribed my son.

shamelessly bribed my son.

bribed my son with candy and/or other junk food.

used empty threats knowing full well they were empty.

told Mateo that the pilot will throw us off the airplane if he keeps kicking the seat in front of him (in mid-flight).

faked changing a really bad poopy diaper during my husband's turn so he would do something for me in return.

lied about how many poopy diapers I changed that day so my husband would do the next one.

started potty training, been too lazy to follow through, and then gone back to diapers.

lied to my child. Multiple times.

told my child the french fry machine was broken at McDonald's so I could get a shake through the drive-thru without having to also get him fries.

told Mateo the dog will bite him if he bothers her anymore even though I know she never will.

given in on more than one occasion to avoid a tantrum or endless whining.

made up some "important" errand to do just to get out of the house by myself.

used the TV as a babysitter.

hid toys that I hated.

turned the music up to drown out Mateo's screaming in the car.

secretly hated parents with well-behaved children.

faked crying to teach my son a lesson.

really cried out of frustration.

put my child in time-out for longer than the Supernanny, pediatrician approved length of time.

ignored my child to surf the internet.

skipped story time before bed just cause I didn't feel like it.

used "the baby weight" as an excuse for how I look.

exploited my child on a very public, world-wide blog.


So...what are your bad mom secrets?

Happiness?

It always makes me laugh when I hear people's response to a common question,

"What do you wish for your children?"

The number one, most common response is, Happiness.

Well that's just crap.

Happiness is an emotion. Emotions aren't permanent. If they are, you probably need help. Permanent sadness is depression. Permanent anxiety is a disorder. Permanent perkiness is just annoying. Of all the qualities, characteristics, values, and strengths you would wish for your child, why would someone pick happiness?

For me, I would wish for my children to be honest, have self-confidence, be compassionate, independent, have strong values, stand up for themselves, and know they are loveable and know how to love others. I know that's a tall order. But hopefully, we'll do something right as parents and our children will turn out less messed up than we are.

But happiness? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't wish eternal happiness on my children. What can one learn from that? Sadness, grief, despair is a natural part of life. I don't want my kids to be sheltered from the real world. Yes, life is hard. People let you down. Bad things happen. But to not experience that part of life, is to not experience life to the fullest. With the bad, you also have the good. And if anything, I want my children to live. Really live. And that means going through an array of emotions and experiences, even bad ones.

Anyway, what do you think? And what do you wish for your children?

More Potty Woes

Well, we are potty boot camp right now. And so far, so good. Although, I do have one complaint about my child. Only one, this time. Mateo has figured out how to manipulate the reward system and use it for his own advantage. Of course, HE would do this. I should have predicted it. Nothing is easy and straight-forward with him. We've been giving him one Skittle for going pee on the potty. Once he did this a couple times and figured out he gets candy every time, he figured out how to corrupt the system. Sunday afternoon was spent entirely going back and forth to the potty to drip out a bit of pee, get a candy, chew it up, then back to the potty to drip out a bit more. Over and over and over again. Until he had eaten almost a full bag of Skittles in one afternoon and wasn't hungry for dinner. Do other kids do this? I swear, he's an evil genius. I only wish he'd use his powers for good.

He's been doing great though. He's in pull-ups still but I think he could go to underwear anytime. I just have to transition from the routine at home, to generalizing at daycare, store, Nana's house, etc. Then we'll switch to underwear, clean up several accidents I'm sure, but I'm confident we'll have success soon.

Not the "P" Word!!!

Yes people. You know what I'm talking about. Potty Training!

Mateo has been showing all the "readiness signs" for a while now, but I've been too scared/lazy to do anything about it. But since he's having "transition issues", which is a nice way of saying he's being a pain in the butt, I am now frustrated enough to give it a try. So I sent Dave to the store to pick up the essential potty training kit. Namely: pull-ups, candy, and entertainment (for sitting on the potty). He did a pretty good job. He came back with skittles, potty putty (which is a disturbing blob of goo inside a plastic toilet seat. Mateo loves it of course), and princess pull-ups. That's right, princess pull-ups. Apparently, that's all that Walmart had in stock. But it's okay. Mateo is secure in his manhood.

And we officially began potty training 101 yesterday. The first step: getting him to sit on the potty for more than 5 seconds at a time. This is where the potty putty came in handy. That was as far as we got on the first day, although he did pee in the potty twice. Not bad for a first time! I'm calling it beginners luck, just because I don't want to get my hopes up that this will be at all easy. Nothing is ever easy with Mateo. But I'm optimistic. He is obsessed with potty. He talks about it all the time. That's a boy thing, right? He thinks farts are funny. And he hates getting his diaper changed. That's why I'm hopeful potty training will go well for him.

Well, I'll update as I go along. I'm sure this will be quite an adventure. If you have any tips, please let me know. Thanks!

Does Anyone Else's Kid Do This?

My child has no patience. And I know that's pretty typical for a two year old, but I mean no patience. Like, if he wants something to eat, and I'm in the middle of something and can't get it right away, he just freaks out. He jumps up and down, screams, shakes the chairs in the kitchen, and sometimes even hits me. It doesn't matter what I say, he will continue until he is sitting in his seat with food in front of him. I feel like he should be able to wait for a moment or two without having a hissy fit.

So I've begun to to tell him he needs to wait patiently with no screaming or whining and then he can have the item. Usually this results in him having to go to his room because he just can't wait. I put him in the room and tell him that screaming hurts my ears and when he's calm he can wait patiently for the juice/food/toy and I will give it to him. Eventually he will calm down and I make him ask for it nicely, but it is always a big project! Anybody else have this problem? Is this normal for the age? Are my expectations too high? I feel like he should be able to do this because I know he behaves well for babysitters and at daycare. Any ideas?

Justice's Tips for Adoptive Parents

Again, I have reason to believe I am important somehow. That people want to know my opinion and hear what I have to say. This may not be true but it's the only reason I can justify keeping up this blog. So, in the theme of National Adoption Month, here are a few tips for adoptive families that are awaiting their child. So, no credibility here, just what I learned from Mateo. Maybe you can get something out of it or maybe it is further confirmation that I am a self-obsessed, know-it-all, who thinks she is far more important than she really is and you'll never visit my blog again. Either way, here it is.


1. Be prepared to not be prepared. What I mean is, know that you will have feelings and emotions that you didn't expect to feel. And that is okay. You really can't be prepared for what this will be like.

2. It's a good idea to be prepared for stupid questions and assumptions from others who don't understand adoption. Sometimes these people are ignorant and inexperienced. Sometimes they are curious and don't know better. And sometimes they are just mean. I've found most of the time, people are just uneducated about adoption etiquette. Example; at Mateo's adoption party an old friend says to me, "so you're not gonna have any kids?" Another time, after noticing Mateo wasn't talking as well as other kids his age someone asks, "is he slow?" and "will he ever be normal?" It's a good idea to have some pat answers for these situations.

3. Know that you will have feelings about being a transracial parent (if you are going that route), even if you think you won't. Hidden prejudices will come up for you, your family, and your friends. You may experience some negative comments from people you thought loved you, and they probably do, but haven't had to think about what they say before. Again, have responses ready, you will have to do a lot of educating.

4. Flexibility is essential. You may have to change your plan and tactics as your child grows and develops, and as the attachment strengthens. Be open to new ideas.

5. Be patient! Give the child time to adjust and don't expect to see results right away. But be happy with the small successes. For instance, it took Mateo almost a year to learn how to go down a playground slide by himself. Which is a small success for a typical child his age. But for us, we about had a party when he finally did it. I called our friends and family to let them know and they were just as excited. You would have thought he won the Nobel Prize or something. But it does make life better because we don't take the small accomplishments for granted.

6. Expect ups and downs and set-backs. Mateo is constantly cycling through behavior problems and emotional problems. I can't say what he'll be like 6 months from now. I don't know what behaviors patterns are gone forever or will be back in a matter of a few month or a few years. He can regress quickly in certain circumstances as well. This is normal for a child with a background of trauma. And all adopted kids have experienced trauma. Even if they have not been abused, they've had trauma just in losing their birthparents.

7. Be prepared to change your preconceptions of parenting and erase what you think you know about parenting. Throw away your parenting experiences because it won't be the same. This is especially true for parents adopting an older child.

8. You may have trouble relating with other parents who have not adopted. You may feel like you're looked at differently or feel like an outsider. This is why it's important to get to know other adoptive families.

9. Take care of yourself!!!

10. Get help quickly if you feel you need it. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist. And there is nothing wrong with asking for professional help for your child either.


I will be doing a final Adoption post before the end of the month, then it's back to my normal funny stories and rants. Have a good Thanksgiving everybody!