Friday, October 24, 2008

10 Reasons NOT to get Pregnant!

10 reasons not to get pregnant:

(If you've had problems with infertility, you probably don't want to read any further. If you do, I can't be held responsible for your feelings about this post. I certainly can understand your loss. But it's my blog, therefore my perceptions of things, and my perception of pregnancy is that it sucks.)

1) Doctor's appointments. It's not because I'm afraid of needles. I have several tattoos and I've given blood. Actually, I look at needles and say, go ahead needle, just try to make me bleed! I dare you! Usually they do, and a lot. So, no, it's not because of the needles. It's because of THAT kind of doctor. I dread my yearly appointment months before it happens and I don't need any other reasons to have someone poking around down there. It makes me very uncomfortable and I think if I was pregnant I would resent my child for making me have to get to know my gyno better than just by her cold hands like I do now. Really, I don't even think I know her name. Or is it a he?

2) Breastfeeding. I know, I know, it's supposed to be this wonderful bonding experience with your infant or toddler (but hopefully not your 8 year old like I saw on a video once. I can probably say that I'm scarred for life. I'll never look at breastfeeding the same. Sidenote: They were European.). But I'm very possessive of my breasts and just thinking about something chomping on them totally freaks me out. Mateo already has an unnatural attachment to them and he's never been breastfed. He picked up my bra the other day and said, "boobies". I have no idea how he knew the two went together. It's disturbing.

3) Uhh....labor? Seriously, I can't think of a reason good enough to want to push something the size of a bowling ball out of my...well, you know. Add on top of that, stories of pain, infections, something about vacuums, and....gulp....tearing. NO THANK YOU!

4) Cankles. Need I say more?

5) Moodiness and hormones. Ask my husband, I'm already unstable.

6) The "no" list: no caffeine, no seafood, no alcohol, and no drugs! Sorry, there are just some things I can't live without. I don't mean the drugs. Well, not illegal ones anyway.

7) Genetics. Is there anything that desirable to be passed on? Not in our case. And I know some others that shouldn't be procreating either.

8) can I see this nicely...becoming massive. I already have body issues, add on top of that a giant bulging tumor of a stomach and I'd go over the deep end.

9) Money! Babies are expensive. At least with adoption from foster care, we get a lot of help. Do you know anyone else who gets paid to raise their kid?

10) ...and finally, cankles. (Believe me, it deserves two spots on the list)

So my question is, why would you sign up for all this when you can get one delivered, stork-style, to your doorstep? For free! You don't even have to pay for health care! I don't think I'll ever understand. Oh well, your loss. Mateo is definitely the coolest kid I know!

Disclaimer: you are certainly more than welcome to leave a comment about the joys of being pregnant and giving birth, just please no gory details. I don't want my readers to have to worry about their gag reflex being triggered while visiting my blog. Thank you


Rachel said...

I think there is seriously something wrong with people who say they "love being pregnant". Pregnancy was really tough for me and I am not really in a rush to get pregnant again anytime soon, although I'm not ruling it out. I have always been intrigued by adoption. Not only do I want to adopt someday but I want to work in the industry when I become a social worker. I can't think of anything more rewarding than helping a child find a loving home.

J-momma said...

i'm glad you feel that way cause not everyone does. most of the time, foster children are the forgotten population that get swept under the rug. it's very sad. i work in the field too. i recruit foster and adoptive families as well as help support them. it's a hard job to be a social worker. i don't envy those that do it.

Devan said...

You know I was with you all the way to cankles. What are cankles--swollen ankles? Out of all the other reasons--I'd add on--no "extracurricular" marital activities for what six weeks? Come on--guys can't want that excuse on top of all the others we have, right?!--for six weeks.

Adoption sounds better and better.

And, Justice, no cracking on my not so awesome genetic pool. What kid wouldn't want to have frizzy curly hair, big thick glasses, braces, albino skin tone, poor athletic skills, and an inhaler for gym class?! I mean--let me just slap "loser, geek and nerd" on my child at birth because we all know that's where they're headed if I procreate.

lisa d said...

Well I have to go in a different direction of the other comments:

I have two daughters through childbirth and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Sure pregnancy has it's negatives: nausea, weight gain, pain at childbirth and of course cankles but it's all temporary and so worth it to bring God's most wonderful creation into the world. I'm not saying it's easy but God's plan wasn't for it to be easy...nothing worth it is. For those who haven't been pregnant & had a child don't be's a wonderful time and even if the pregnancy is rough who's so small in the span of it all.

Whether you have a child through childbirth, adopt from the US, adopt outside of the US who cares as long as you are taking care of your child and doing the best you can for him or her. You can't compare any of them as easier or harder then others or judge anyone for the direction they took...just be happy their are loving parents in this crazy world.

J-momma said...

lisa, of course i wouldn't judge someone's decision about the way they create a family. there is no better or worse way to do it. but like i said, it's my blog and therefore my opinions. and i happen to think i wouldn't like pregnancy very much and there are those out there who agree and disagree. and mostly this blog is about entertainment. so don't take any of it too seriously.

janiece said...

Hey--here's another couple for you. Hemmroids and that evil thing that goes with it--constipation. Then there is the lovely thing called hormones. I'm bitchy enough--why throw in lack of sleep along with mood swings??Don't forget the map of stretch marks!
Honestly, having been through the hell of infertility and then travelled the path of international adoption not 1 but 3 times--the only regret I have is not having the option to breastfeed. I'm not saying I could/would have done it--just didn't have the option. I have seen things no one ever thought I would see, changed careers because I experienced the wonders of having cleft-affected children and developed a patience I didn't know I had. Adoption is wonderful.
And the more I see these poor pregnant women at work--the more I thank God for being infertile. It just looks miserable.

Mrs. Baker said...

I might have just falled in love. Hilarious!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention the risk of having fugly babies. LOL.

Sherie Brodigan said...

the sudden interest or the complete lacking thereof congratulations from the relatives. If the father is a son from a wealthy family, there is the possibility of his family petitioning a judge friend, to gain custody of the baby. And then there are the mothers parents who are, or are not there at all, taking their daughters side in interest for her strengths. Grandparent('s)some parents always take the manly side. And family's still side with men who have wealthy Fathers against their (own) daughters. Grandmothers still have their daughters mentally evaluated to try to find a doctor to help, stuck up-up-tight grandma's gain custody of their grandchildren. Why a female would want to put a baby out in her world, for the people of her pregnancies relations to be responsible for the baby's, socialization? To give a baby, these people for family? The family and friends, who may for a time care and share, invest time and money on,their family's new fruits of reproductive possibilities. I wouldn't want to do the easiest of choices and preform the Uterus Dance, to catch a penny in my hat. With which to buy attention and affectionate moments from my family of porcupines, or the family of vultures circling, over the father's side.If you only love the people who love you, where is your reward? I remember god telling us about how he could make children for Abraham from the dust and stone. He does not require my assistance in populating the Earth.

Laura said...

Ok... So the obvious reasons are weight gain, nausea, cankles, a nose the size of a pig snout, extra fat feet, swelling, indigestion, the possibility that you genes will not match well (thus creating a mildly unattractive specimen), hormones beyond comprehension, not fitting clothing that you have already invested in, oh! Additional potty trips, disregard from the rest of the world as to what you are dealing with, hot flashes, being gut punched (and kicked) literally, pimples, overpowering scents, dental issues, fingers that are too fat for TV, stretch marks if layed one by one that could take a hot wheels car for a mile ride, puffy veins, as the gyn says during your frequent visits... Discomfort! Random strangers in your 'business'.. And your sudden lack of care with the urgent and immediate request to 'Get It Out!!' Having to sit, having to stand.. Finding your toes beyond the mountain, granny panties!! Crazy cravings: a former co-worker craved lemon scented cat litter??!! Less than desirable maternity clothes that every pregnant woman within a fifteen minute walk of your home now owns... Courtesy of your local mommy-to-be retailers. Gas, wind smellys, oopsies....FARTS! The scary labor stories at your baby shower about how you will poop on yourself.... Ok so...outside of those few things... Its not all that bad. LOL!!!! Not! But as we all seem to agree on, the end result... Whether by stork, foster/adoption... Or the agony of the epidural...oh I mean... Delivery... Our children... Usually help us to forget most of the process and treasure the reward. That is until the Terrible 2's set in, then Jr.High and Puberty... Actually between 13 & 19... Well that's another post entirely... Anyone up for grabs to get that list going?? Haha!