You Guys Are No Fun!

Nobody had anything critical to say on my last blog post! What's up with that people? Is anyone even reading this or are you all too cool? Or maybe I'm just not as controversial as I think I am. But really, thanks for all the support. You really are too nice. Today I'm just sharing some fall and Halloween pics.

Oh, and I was on the radio yesterday morning talking about adoption for National Adoption Awareness Month, which if you didn't know, is November. So, if you want to check it out, here's the link. It won't connect directly to the interview but if you click "past guests" on the right, I should come up. But don't make fun of my dorkiness. It took me a little while to get into a flow. I was a bit stutter-y in the beginning. It's a bit long, just so you know if you are going to listen to it. Most of the interview is with a DCF representative and then I jump in here and there.

I just like this shirt


Pumpkin picking

Drinking our "swamp juice"


Mateo was a "bad guy" for Halloween. He's pretty obsessed with bad guys.
I wish he'd associate more with the good guys though.

This was at his preschool costume parade. I did end up sending him as a skeleton and was glad to see I wasn't the only one to use a Halloween costume. There were witches and dinosaurs and monsters and lots of costumes. So we fit right in.

I just love this picture. The look on Luca's face is priceless. And this is truly a picture of the relationship they have. Mateo loves her to death. And she tolerates him. Ha!

Justice's Tips for Adoptive Parents

Again, I have reason to believe I am important somehow. That people want to know my opinion and hear what I have to say. This may not be true but it's the only reason I can justify keeping up this blog. So, in the theme of National Adoption Month, here are a few tips for adoptive families that are awaiting their child. So, no credibility here, just what I learned from Mateo. Maybe you can get something out of it or maybe it is further confirmation that I am a self-obsessed, know-it-all, who thinks she is far more important than she really is and you'll never visit my blog again. Either way, here it is.


1. Be prepared to not be prepared. What I mean is, know that you will have feelings and emotions that you didn't expect to feel. And that is okay. You really can't be prepared for what this will be like.

2. It's a good idea to be prepared for stupid questions and assumptions from others who don't understand adoption. Sometimes these people are ignorant and inexperienced. Sometimes they are curious and don't know better. And sometimes they are just mean. I've found most of the time, people are just uneducated about adoption etiquette. Example; at Mateo's adoption party an old friend says to me, "so you're not gonna have any kids?" Another time, after noticing Mateo wasn't talking as well as other kids his age someone asks, "is he slow?" and "will he ever be normal?" It's a good idea to have some pat answers for these situations.

3. Know that you will have feelings about being a transracial parent (if you are going that route), even if you think you won't. Hidden prejudices will come up for you, your family, and your friends. You may experience some negative comments from people you thought loved you, and they probably do, but haven't had to think about what they say before. Again, have responses ready, you will have to do a lot of educating.

4. Flexibility is essential. You may have to change your plan and tactics as your child grows and develops, and as the attachment strengthens. Be open to new ideas.

5. Be patient! Give the child time to adjust and don't expect to see results right away. But be happy with the small successes. For instance, it took Mateo almost a year to learn how to go down a playground slide by himself. Which is a small success for a typical child his age. But for us, we about had a party when he finally did it. I called our friends and family to let them know and they were just as excited. You would have thought he won the Nobel Prize or something. But it does make life better because we don't take the small accomplishments for granted.

6. Expect ups and downs and set-backs. Mateo is constantly cycling through behavior problems and emotional problems. I can't say what he'll be like 6 months from now. I don't know what behaviors patterns are gone forever or will be back in a matter of a few month or a few years. He can regress quickly in certain circumstances as well. This is normal for a child with a background of trauma. And all adopted kids have experienced trauma. Even if they have not been abused, they've had trauma just in losing their birthparents.

7. Be prepared to change your preconceptions of parenting and erase what you think you know about parenting. Throw away your parenting experiences because it won't be the same. This is especially true for parents adopting an older child.

8. You may have trouble relating with other parents who have not adopted. You may feel like you're looked at differently or feel like an outsider. This is why it's important to get to know other adoptive families.

9. Take care of yourself!!!

10. Get help quickly if you feel you need it. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist. And there is nothing wrong with asking for professional help for your child either.


I will be doing a final Adoption post before the end of the month, then it's back to my normal funny stories and rants. Have a good Thanksgiving everybody!

How to Become a Foster/Adoptive Parent

Like I promised in the beginning of the month, here are the steps to becoming a foster or adoptive parent. Keep in mind, this is how it works in my state of Connecticut, but I'm pretty sure it's similar in other states as well.

1.) Attend an open house at your local social services office. They usually hold them once or twice per month. My state has them twice a month and you can find a list on our state website. At the open house you should hear a presentation about the process, the kids, the system, etc. You should also be able to ask questions.

2.) In my state, the next step is to have a social worker come to your house for a short preliminary interview. This is to be sure you have an appropriate living arrangement for a child (i.e. no exposed wires, lead paint, construction projects, etc). Usually they will ask you a few questions about what your looking for and a tour of the house. Then they will perform extensive background checks to be sure you are able to be licensed. If all is clear...

3.) You will be invited to attend a class. In my state, it is 10 weeks of classes, once per week for 3 hours each. This is when you learn even more about working with the system, the legal process, the kids, the birthparents, etc. This is also an assessment period for the social worker to get to know your family and for you to decide if this is the right path for your family. The classes are tough and give you lots to talk and think about. During these classes you will also be completing a lot of "homework" and paperwork.

4.) After you complete the classes, the social worker will write what is called a homestudy. This is a compilation of a written summary and pictures of your family. The social worker will also do a series of interviews, usually once individually, then once all together. They do pry into your background and experiences a bit. They will ask about your upbringing and are pretty nosy, but it is in the best interest of the children in care.

5.) After the homestudy is completed, you are licensed! If you are just fostering you will probably get kids right away. They are usually matched to you by the office "matcher". There is one, or maybe more, social workers whose sole responsibility is to match the kids coming into care to a family that will take them.

If you are adopting, the process is different. After completing your homestudy, it goes into the central office of the state. When a child comes up that a social worker is looking for an adoptive or pre-adoptive home for, the placement team picks several homestudies that fit with the needs of the child. Then they have a meeting where all team members read the homestudies and the child's file, and then rate the families for the best match. Whichever family has the most points, wins! Well... basically.

Who Can Adopt?

~ over 21 years of age
~ rent or own a house with adequate space
~ able to pay your bills and support a child
~ single men and women
~ same sex couples
~ grandparents

Who Can Not Adopt?

~ anyone with a violent criminal history
~ anyone who's had a substantiated abuse or neglect conviction with social services
~ a registered sex offender
~ anyone who lives with someone with a criminal history, sex offender, or abuser

I have some blogger friends that have adopted internationally :) While I am so happy for them finding their child(ren) and are glad their are people willing to build their families that way, I am a huge advocate for adoption through foster care. So, of course I have to talk about what I think are the benefits of adopting this way versus a different route.

1. Shorter wait time. Licensing takes, on average, 4 months. After being licensed we got our son in 2 months. So, in total, it took 6 months to have our family. This does vary, however. If you are only willing to accept a white healthy infant, I can tell you right now you might as well go elsewhere. It just ain't gonna happen. The more open you are to disability, race, age, gender, the faster you will be placed. Of course, you have to do what you are comfortable with.

2. MUCH lower cost. Actually, in CT there is NO cost. Every part of the process is free. And actually, the state pays you to care for the child before the adoption, then most adoptions continue with a subsidy until the child is 18yrs. In our case, Mateo is considered medically complex (because of a peanut allergy) so we get twice as much per month as a typical child until he is an adult AND free health care and college tuition.

3. Did you hear me correctly? FREE COLLEGE TUITION! Well, in CT, but more states are offering that as well. And free health insurance. We don't have to pay a single co-pay.

4. Most of the time you know more information with state care kids than with kids adopted overseas. When you take a placement, you are given the child's file with every detail the social worker's know about that child.

5. Usually no language barrier.

6. Pre and post adoption support groups, family events, advocates, and support through the state agency and social workers. This is where my job kicks in! We do a Christmas party, beach day, family picnic, bowling, scrapbooking party, Harvest fair, amusement park day, and more every year for our foster/adopt families. Here is where we get support and encouragement from others in our similar situation.

There are plenty of pros and cons to every type of adoption. I would encourage anyone to research extensively and consider every option before making a decision. Either way you do it, adoption is a beautiful choice.

If you have any questions, I am happy to oblige if I can. And I hope everyone would consider how they can help a foster youth in their area. If you don't feel you can handle fostering or adopting, there is a need for respite providers (overnight babysitters) and youth mentors as well. I can promise you, you won't regret getting involved in the lives of foster children.

Let's Start at the Very Beginning

I knew I wanted to adopt, for as long as I can remember. Our son was born in June 2006, we didn't even know it. Ironically we took our first step toward adoption exactly one month later by attending an open house presented by the department of children and families (known as DCF). Mateo was losing his first mother and we were filling out applications. Mateo was in the NICU recovering from complications and we were getting excited about the possibilities for our family.

Mateo entered his first foster home shortly after birth and stayed with this loving older woman for one year. Dave and I began taking the mandatory training classes with DCF and becoming licensed for a pre-adopt placement of a child (boy or girl) ages 0-3. Mateo was definitely born with his own unique personality. His first foster mother tells me he was always an anxious baby, preferring to meet his milestones on his own terms and often later than most his age. But he was happy in this first foster home. He had his first surgery to correct his cleft lip when he was 3 months old. His second surgery to repair the palate was at 9 months. At this time DCF knew that his case would be going toward termination and so they began looking for a pre-adoptive family for him. They chose the "Smith's".

This is when Mateo lost his second mom, right around his first birthday. The Smith's had an older adopted child and they ran a family farm. Mateo needed a lot of attention. He was grieving the loss of his foster mom and needed lots of patience and understanding. But they wouldn't change their lives to meet his needs. He wasn't doing well in this family and they were becoming frustrated with him. My son was so young and fragile but learning too quickly the world is unsafe and unreliable. He was sad, lonely, and shut-down. At the same time, we were painting a bedroom, setting up a crib, and buying stuffed animals to decorate. We had no idea the trials our son was facing.

The Smith's kept Mateo for 2.5 months and then called the social worker to have him removed. Their reason...he cried too much. So DCF called for an emergency meeting to find the next pre-adoptive family for him. I got a phone call about this meeting from my support worker but was told it hadn't been decided yet which family was the right family for Mateo. But we learned a bit about him, like his age (14 months), his medical history, and his name, which was Aurelio (more on the name change later). As soon as I heard about him, I was in love. We had a whole weekend to wait to find out if we were chosen to be his family. Of course, my emotions were like a roller coaster. I tried not to get too attached but couldn't help imagining the possibilities. I also tried to keep this between Dave and I until we knew for sure, but I just couldn't hold it in. I told my best friend and my mom, who were equally as excited.

The social worker called the following week to tell me they picked someone else. I was heartbroken. I tried to pretend that everything was okay, there would be another child for us, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. But we had to move on, so to take our minds off it we bought a brand new expensive couch to replace our old one thinking it would be a long wait until we had a child. Ironically, the very day after purchasing our couch, my support worker called and said exactly these words, "how would you like a baby on Wednesday?" Today was Monday. I didn't ask any questions, I just said "yes!" It was our little boy from the previous weekend. He was meant to be ours after all! The family they had chosen before us had recently moved and their new home wasn't licensed yet. We were the runner up. I should probably have been offended we were only 2nd place but I didn't even care. We had a little boy! And he was coming in two days....

Emergency trip to Babies 'R Us!!!!

First time we saw our son, a photo from his social worker
I can remember an overwhelming feeling of peace
coming over me when I saw his picture,
that he was mine and I would love him



....to be continued....