Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Just So You Know....
Talking badly about a people group (race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, country of origin, etc.) whether you are in front of them or not is not okay. Making stereotypical statements about a people group is also not okay. Saying negative things about a people group in front of the parents of a child in that people group is definitely not okay. And then exclaiming the child is "not really" a part of that people group is just plain idiotic. Just so you know.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Par-tay!!!
Maya's first birthday is coming up very quickly. So here are some of my early plans for the party. We did a big adoption/birthday party for Mateo so I feel it's only fair to do one for Maya. As you can see, we're going with a ladybug theme (or lovebug as I like to call it).
The Decorations:
The Outfit:
Come on...say it with me now....awww....how adorable is this?
The Cake:
Something like this but probably without the giant ladybug on top. Professional cakes are expensive! But I don't want to have to make one.
The Favors:
These cookies might be green and pink instead to match everything else. I'll put them in a bag with a ribbon and our guests can take them home. I think I can handle making these.
And last, but not least....
most importantly....
The Decorations:
The Outfit:
Come on...say it with me now....awww....how adorable is this?The Cake:
Something like this but probably without the giant ladybug on top. Professional cakes are expensive! But I don't want to have to make one.The Favors:
These cookies might be green and pink instead to match everything else. I'll put them in a bag with a ribbon and our guests can take them home. I think I can handle making these.And last, but not least....
most importantly....
The shoes!:
See? Told you I had some cute stuff!
Oh, by the way....just wait till you see her adoption video!
See? Told you I had some cute stuff!
Oh, by the way....just wait till you see her adoption video!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
You Guys Are No Fun!
Nobody had anything critical to say on my last blog post! What's up with that people? Is anyone even reading this or are you all too cool? Or maybe I'm just not as controversial as I think I am. But really, thanks for all the support. You really are too nice. Today I'm just sharing some fall and Halloween pics.
Oh, and I was on the radio yesterday morning talking about adoption for National Adoption Awareness Month, which if you didn't know, is November. So, if you want to check it out, here's the link. It won't connect directly to the interview but if you click "past guests" on the right, I should come up. But don't make fun of my dorkiness. It took me a little while to get into a flow. I was a bit stutter-y in the beginning. It's a bit long, just so you know if you are going to listen to it. Most of the interview is with a DCF representative and then I jump in here and there.
I just like this shirt
Pumpkin picking
Drinking our "swamp juice"
Mateo was a "bad guy" for Halloween. He's pretty obsessed with bad guys.
I wish he'd associate more with the good guys though.
This was at his preschool costume parade. I did end up sending him as a skeleton and was glad to see I wasn't the only one to use a Halloween costume. There were witches and dinosaurs and monsters and lots of costumes. So we fit right in.
Oh, and I was on the radio yesterday morning talking about adoption for National Adoption Awareness Month, which if you didn't know, is November. So, if you want to check it out, here's the link. It won't connect directly to the interview but if you click "past guests" on the right, I should come up. But don't make fun of my dorkiness. It took me a little while to get into a flow. I was a bit stutter-y in the beginning. It's a bit long, just so you know if you are going to listen to it. Most of the interview is with a DCF representative and then I jump in here and there.
I just like this shirt
Pumpkin picking
Drinking our "swamp juice"
Mateo was a "bad guy" for Halloween. He's pretty obsessed with bad guys.I wish he'd associate more with the good guys though.
This was at his preschool costume parade. I did end up sending him as a skeleton and was glad to see I wasn't the only one to use a Halloween costume. There were witches and dinosaurs and monsters and lots of costumes. So we fit right in.
I just love this picture. The look on Luca's face is priceless. And this is truly a picture of the relationship they have. Mateo loves her to death. And she tolerates him. Ha!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Orphan Movie
I'm sure many of you have heard of the new movie "The Orphan" by Warner Brothers. The adoption community is up in arms over this negative portrayal of orphans and adoption. While I, too, like to focus on the positive side of adoption, I understand it's just a movie and for entertainment purposes. But I like the idea one blogger had to get 500 adoptive family bloggers
to tell their "orphan" story in hopes of flooding the google search with positive stories. So I'm adding mine.
First of all, my kids are not orphans. I know their birthmom and am beginning to have somewhat of a relationship with her. But I interpreted the idea to include adoption stories as well. My son is adopted from the foster care system and my daughter is in the process of being adopted from foster care. My last post included a lot of negative feelings and struggles we're experiencing but this post is going to focus on the positive. Because despite all the frustration and pain, there are heaps and heaps of wonderful memories filled with joy. And most of all, there is love.
I'll be the first to tell you, love just isn't enough to heal, change, or "fix" our children who've suffered great loss and trauma. But it is important. Because we love our son with all our hearts, we are able to accept who he is, who he will become, and stick with him, no matter what. You canread our story from the beginning here. Part 2 is here. Stage 2 - Grieving is here. Stage 3 - Anger is here. And the last part is here.
But now I'm going to tell you my TRUE "orphan" story. Mateo and Maya are the light of our lives. From the first glimpse we saw of Mateo, we've loved him. I still remember one of the first days we had him in our lives. My mom came to visit and Mateo (15 months old at the time but really more like a baby) clung to me like a little baby monkey on his mama. His little hands grabbed onto my shirt as he hid his face in my chest. I had to fight to hold back the tears. I can say, really truly, without a doubt, that I loved that little boy just as much as someone who had just given birth to their baby in a hospital. Even though he looked very different from us, even though he came with his own history and his own personality we didn't know or understand, and even though it took him much longer to love us, we loved him because we knew he was ours. We claimed him from the moment his social worker came to our house with his file and picture. He was meant to be ours, always and forever. He's not old enough to understand adoption and his past right now. But I tell him everyday that he's my favorite boy. And if I ask him, "who's my favorite boy?" he says with great pride, "me!" He makes me laugh everyday. He makes me cry some days. But mostly, we feel like the luckiest people alive. We had to work (hard) for his love and trust, but it was worth it. Hearing his little voice from the backseat of my car everyday when I pick him up from preschool say, "mommy, wha-jew (love you)" makes it worth every drop of sweat and every tear we've shed the last two years. My orphan story has a happy ending. Because we choose to love, every day.
Maya's story is different. I grew attached to Maya the moment I knew she was born. Because she is my son's biological sister, I thought of her as mine too. When we first got the call that she had been born I couldn't wait to hold her, to kiss her, to love and nurture her just like her brother. Unfortunately, we had to wait a whole month before we could even see her or know more about her. It was torture. But the day we picked her from the hospital, when I saw her laying in the little bassinet, she was so tiny and fragile and vulnerable. She was sleeping rolled over to one side facing away from us. I rolled her over and, I swear, her face was the most beautiful I've ever seen. And that's not because I was biased, I usually think all newborns are kind of funny looking. But she was beautiful since the day she was born and I get comments everywhere I go reiterating the same thing. She is just a gorgeous girl, inside and out. And she melts my heart every day.
My son is three and my daughter is five months and I can't imagine my life without them. I can't imagine that our house would be filled with as much joy, laughter, sometimes frustration, and love if they were not here. A day doesn't go by that I'm not thankful for them, what they've taught me, and how I've grown. Big hugs and slimy kisses are the only reward I need.
Love you Bubba and Munchkin.
So if you want to participate in defending orphans, post this on your own blog so that when people search for the movie, they are flooded with positive messages about adoption and orphan care.
2. Focus on your orphan care or adoption story that is positive, redeeming, and full of love.
3. Link your post here via a trackback or comment.
4. Send out an e-mail, Facebook message, or tweet to get others to do the same on their blogs.
to tell their "orphan" story in hopes of flooding the google search with positive stories. So I'm adding mine.
First of all, my kids are not orphans. I know their birthmom and am beginning to have somewhat of a relationship with her. But I interpreted the idea to include adoption stories as well. My son is adopted from the foster care system and my daughter is in the process of being adopted from foster care. My last post included a lot of negative feelings and struggles we're experiencing but this post is going to focus on the positive. Because despite all the frustration and pain, there are heaps and heaps of wonderful memories filled with joy. And most of all, there is love.
I'll be the first to tell you, love just isn't enough to heal, change, or "fix" our children who've suffered great loss and trauma. But it is important. Because we love our son with all our hearts, we are able to accept who he is, who he will become, and stick with him, no matter what. You canread our story from the beginning here. Part 2 is here. Stage 2 - Grieving is here. Stage 3 - Anger is here. And the last part is here.
But now I'm going to tell you my TRUE "orphan" story. Mateo and Maya are the light of our lives. From the first glimpse we saw of Mateo, we've loved him. I still remember one of the first days we had him in our lives. My mom came to visit and Mateo (15 months old at the time but really more like a baby) clung to me like a little baby monkey on his mama. His little hands grabbed onto my shirt as he hid his face in my chest. I had to fight to hold back the tears. I can say, really truly, without a doubt, that I loved that little boy just as much as someone who had just given birth to their baby in a hospital. Even though he looked very different from us, even though he came with his own history and his own personality we didn't know or understand, and even though it took him much longer to love us, we loved him because we knew he was ours. We claimed him from the moment his social worker came to our house with his file and picture. He was meant to be ours, always and forever. He's not old enough to understand adoption and his past right now. But I tell him everyday that he's my favorite boy. And if I ask him, "who's my favorite boy?" he says with great pride, "me!" He makes me laugh everyday. He makes me cry some days. But mostly, we feel like the luckiest people alive. We had to work (hard) for his love and trust, but it was worth it. Hearing his little voice from the backseat of my car everyday when I pick him up from preschool say, "mommy, wha-jew (love you)" makes it worth every drop of sweat and every tear we've shed the last two years. My orphan story has a happy ending. Because we choose to love, every day.
Maya's story is different. I grew attached to Maya the moment I knew she was born. Because she is my son's biological sister, I thought of her as mine too. When we first got the call that she had been born I couldn't wait to hold her, to kiss her, to love and nurture her just like her brother. Unfortunately, we had to wait a whole month before we could even see her or know more about her. It was torture. But the day we picked her from the hospital, when I saw her laying in the little bassinet, she was so tiny and fragile and vulnerable. She was sleeping rolled over to one side facing away from us. I rolled her over and, I swear, her face was the most beautiful I've ever seen. And that's not because I was biased, I usually think all newborns are kind of funny looking. But she was beautiful since the day she was born and I get comments everywhere I go reiterating the same thing. She is just a gorgeous girl, inside and out. And she melts my heart every day.
My son is three and my daughter is five months and I can't imagine my life without them. I can't imagine that our house would be filled with as much joy, laughter, sometimes frustration, and love if they were not here. A day doesn't go by that I'm not thankful for them, what they've taught me, and how I've grown. Big hugs and slimy kisses are the only reward I need.
Love you Bubba and Munchkin.
So if you want to participate in defending orphans, post this on your own blog so that when people search for the movie, they are flooded with positive messages about adoption and orphan care.
Just finish this sentence: "Warner Bros. new horror movie Orphan proclaims that it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own. Let me tell you about how an orphan changed my life..."
1. Write a "positive protest post" on your blog that references the movie, Orphan.2. Focus on your orphan care or adoption story that is positive, redeeming, and full of love.
3. Link your post here via a trackback or comment.
4. Send out an e-mail, Facebook message, or tweet to get others to do the same on their blogs.
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Trials of Loving Mateo
First of all, sorry this is long. But I had to write it. We are at the point now in our parenting journey with Mateo where we've tried every technique and strategy we've thought of, read, or someone told us to do, and have had no lasting real results or change. I've blamed myself, evaluated my parenting strengths and weaknesses, asked others to evaluate my parenting, and blamed myself some more.
We started off being consistent parents with high standards. But after parenting Mateo for almost two years, the term "picking your battles" has taken on a new meaning. Because everything is a battle. And our standards have dropped, in some ways. Because honestly, who has the energy to make a battle out of everything? So we let a lot of things go. And let me remind you, this is after two years of really trying to change behavior. Because if we choose the battle, we know we're in it for the long haul. Which could mean five minutes or it could mean more than an hour. And the battle could include spitting, scratching, hitting, tantruming, throwing things, calling names, knocking things over, and so on. So you have to ask yourself, a) do I have the time to fight this battle right now b) do I have the energy to fight this battle and c) do I have the patience not to get the sudden urge to get in the car and drive as far away from here as possible?
I'm positive that it wouldn't matter what parents Mateo had, he would still be Mateo, and still struggling like he is now. So I quit blaming myself. Although I have my doubts if I'm doing the right thing, I'm convinced that it's not my fault. Even spoiled children don't have the same issues Mateo does.
So, to other people who don't know us well, don't know our journey, or how far we've come, it would seem as if we're spoiling him and creating this monster. I know that if I was on the outside I would think the same thing. It's true we choose to ignore a lot but unless we want our entire existence to be centered around time-outs and behavior management plans, we just have to. That, and we're tired. So tired. Sometimes I just can not think of a thing to do except cover my head with my hands and cry. It sounds terrible, I know. Sometimes it is that terrible. And sometimes it's not. Some days are really great. But inevitably, after a good day, or a few good days, things go back to "normal". It's funny. I used to think that the good days were normal and the bad days weren't.
Now that he's three, and this has been going on for almost two years, I'm fearful. I know you are probably thinking, he's only three. Three year olds are always difficult, don't label him yet, there's time to change, and all that. But it's hard not to think of the future. Just watching Mateo's inability to cope with anything makes me genuinely worried. Any emotion, feeling, problem, frustration, he just can't cope. You can't get very far in life without the ability to cope. And I don't mean after a long time of trying he loses it. Mateo doesn't wind up to being upset. His switch comes on in seconds. Literally seconds and he's gone off the deep end. And I can't get him back for a while. And usually the problems or frustrations come one after another, over and over, to the point that he's miserable and I'm miserable for an entire afternoon. And he may never recover fully until there's some big change. Either a nap, or going for a ride somewhere, or maybe putting a movie in. It isn't my favorite thing to do as a parent but I do rely on the TV a lot. I never thought I would be that kind of parent. But then again, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do, that I have.
Lately I've been feeling very sad for Mateo. No kid should have the troubles he has. A kid should just be a kid. They should be happy and carefree, not miserable because of the tiniest little things. I really hope this isn't his whole childhood. I hope for his sake (and mine, I suppose) he can stabilize a bit. For now, we really can't follow through much with consequences. Most of the time all we can do is help (or wait for) Mateo to calm down so we can move on. We do make him use his words if he's been screaming. And we do make him apologize if he's hurt someone, physically or by calling names. But he still does it, all the time.
The two main reactions I have when talking to people about Mateo are judgment and disbelief. People will run down the list. Have you tried this... or maybe if you do that .... or he just needs...whatever. If the solution was so easy, don't you think two intelligent, resourceful people such as ourselves would have tried it? And we have. We've read so many books, I've attended so many parenting/adoption/behavior workshops, we've talked to so many professionals. But I have yet to find a strategy that a) works and b) is practical for real life. And other people, who haven't seen this side of Mateo (although it is becoming more apparent and he is losing the ability to hold it together for long) stare at me in shock and horror. Who? Mateo? No way! He's so good. All (enter age) year olds are like that. And then I feel like an idiot who's making a big deal out of normal kid things. So I either stop telling people about it or, if I really want to or need to, I tell them how he put a hole in our wall (which he did). That usually helps them believe me.
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on the positive. This, of course, also relates to what kind of day we've had. Has he been on a really good streak, where he's listening well, behaving appropriately, etc? Or has it been a really bad day (or few days) where he is all of things I wrote above? This will determine my reaction to other people. But most of the time, I feel like he's a handful. A big handful. And when people see him in public or at church Sunday School when he is behaving well (not saying he usually behaves well in public) they comment on how good he is, or cute, or smart, or whatever. And I usually think to myself, yeah right, you should've seen him this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Of course we all have those moments with our kids. Strangers or acquaintances see this angelic child all dressed up in cute clothes and an innocent grin when you could have torn the little devil's head off just a few moments before. That's normal. But with Mateo, it's very hard for me to agree that, yes, he is a good boy. Not because I think he is bad. But....we struggle. And when I'm having a particularly hard day, I literally have to think of all the wonderful, funny, cute, and loving things about him, just to keep the negative thoughts away. Of course, I'll always be his mom. And I'll always feel like his mom. I have very strong maternal instincts. Even when I don't particularly like him at one time or another, I'll always be there to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. Maybe that's the only thing I can do for him. Maybe I can't change anything but just love him through it. Maybe that's something another family couldn't do and that's why he's come to us.
Anyway, there it is. Typing all of this out has helped me process all my feelings. Maybe some of you are dealing with the same types of problems, feelings, whatever, and now you know you're not alone. I don't really know. Maybe this was a post just for me and that's all. Either way, I hope you'll keep your comments positive. I already feel self-conscious of my parenting. I don't need anymore judgment.
We started off being consistent parents with high standards. But after parenting Mateo for almost two years, the term "picking your battles" has taken on a new meaning. Because everything is a battle. And our standards have dropped, in some ways. Because honestly, who has the energy to make a battle out of everything? So we let a lot of things go. And let me remind you, this is after two years of really trying to change behavior. Because if we choose the battle, we know we're in it for the long haul. Which could mean five minutes or it could mean more than an hour. And the battle could include spitting, scratching, hitting, tantruming, throwing things, calling names, knocking things over, and so on. So you have to ask yourself, a) do I have the time to fight this battle right now b) do I have the energy to fight this battle and c) do I have the patience not to get the sudden urge to get in the car and drive as far away from here as possible?
I'm positive that it wouldn't matter what parents Mateo had, he would still be Mateo, and still struggling like he is now. So I quit blaming myself. Although I have my doubts if I'm doing the right thing, I'm convinced that it's not my fault. Even spoiled children don't have the same issues Mateo does.
So, to other people who don't know us well, don't know our journey, or how far we've come, it would seem as if we're spoiling him and creating this monster. I know that if I was on the outside I would think the same thing. It's true we choose to ignore a lot but unless we want our entire existence to be centered around time-outs and behavior management plans, we just have to. That, and we're tired. So tired. Sometimes I just can not think of a thing to do except cover my head with my hands and cry. It sounds terrible, I know. Sometimes it is that terrible. And sometimes it's not. Some days are really great. But inevitably, after a good day, or a few good days, things go back to "normal". It's funny. I used to think that the good days were normal and the bad days weren't.
Now that he's three, and this has been going on for almost two years, I'm fearful. I know you are probably thinking, he's only three. Three year olds are always difficult, don't label him yet, there's time to change, and all that. But it's hard not to think of the future. Just watching Mateo's inability to cope with anything makes me genuinely worried. Any emotion, feeling, problem, frustration, he just can't cope. You can't get very far in life without the ability to cope. And I don't mean after a long time of trying he loses it. Mateo doesn't wind up to being upset. His switch comes on in seconds. Literally seconds and he's gone off the deep end. And I can't get him back for a while. And usually the problems or frustrations come one after another, over and over, to the point that he's miserable and I'm miserable for an entire afternoon. And he may never recover fully until there's some big change. Either a nap, or going for a ride somewhere, or maybe putting a movie in. It isn't my favorite thing to do as a parent but I do rely on the TV a lot. I never thought I would be that kind of parent. But then again, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do, that I have.
Lately I've been feeling very sad for Mateo. No kid should have the troubles he has. A kid should just be a kid. They should be happy and carefree, not miserable because of the tiniest little things. I really hope this isn't his whole childhood. I hope for his sake (and mine, I suppose) he can stabilize a bit. For now, we really can't follow through much with consequences. Most of the time all we can do is help (or wait for) Mateo to calm down so we can move on. We do make him use his words if he's been screaming. And we do make him apologize if he's hurt someone, physically or by calling names. But he still does it, all the time.
The two main reactions I have when talking to people about Mateo are judgment and disbelief. People will run down the list. Have you tried this... or maybe if you do that .... or he just needs...whatever. If the solution was so easy, don't you think two intelligent, resourceful people such as ourselves would have tried it? And we have. We've read so many books, I've attended so many parenting/adoption/behavior workshops, we've talked to so many professionals. But I have yet to find a strategy that a) works and b) is practical for real life. And other people, who haven't seen this side of Mateo (although it is becoming more apparent and he is losing the ability to hold it together for long) stare at me in shock and horror. Who? Mateo? No way! He's so good. All (enter age) year olds are like that. And then I feel like an idiot who's making a big deal out of normal kid things. So I either stop telling people about it or, if I really want to or need to, I tell them how he put a hole in our wall (which he did). That usually helps them believe me.
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on the positive. This, of course, also relates to what kind of day we've had. Has he been on a really good streak, where he's listening well, behaving appropriately, etc? Or has it been a really bad day (or few days) where he is all of things I wrote above? This will determine my reaction to other people. But most of the time, I feel like he's a handful. A big handful. And when people see him in public or at church Sunday School when he is behaving well (not saying he usually behaves well in public) they comment on how good he is, or cute, or smart, or whatever. And I usually think to myself, yeah right, you should've seen him this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Of course we all have those moments with our kids. Strangers or acquaintances see this angelic child all dressed up in cute clothes and an innocent grin when you could have torn the little devil's head off just a few moments before. That's normal. But with Mateo, it's very hard for me to agree that, yes, he is a good boy. Not because I think he is bad. But....we struggle. And when I'm having a particularly hard day, I literally have to think of all the wonderful, funny, cute, and loving things about him, just to keep the negative thoughts away. Of course, I'll always be his mom. And I'll always feel like his mom. I have very strong maternal instincts. Even when I don't particularly like him at one time or another, I'll always be there to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. Maybe that's the only thing I can do for him. Maybe I can't change anything but just love him through it. Maybe that's something another family couldn't do and that's why he's come to us.
Anyway, there it is. Typing all of this out has helped me process all my feelings. Maybe some of you are dealing with the same types of problems, feelings, whatever, and now you know you're not alone. I don't really know. Maybe this was a post just for me and that's all. Either way, I hope you'll keep your comments positive. I already feel self-conscious of my parenting. I don't need anymore judgment.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Birth Mother's Day?
Anyone honor or celebrate birth mother's on or around Mother's Day? How and what do you do?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Good News!!!
I met my son's (and future LEGAL daughter's) birth mom today. It was an interesting experience and one of the most emotionally charged moments for me. Without getting into details, she is going to consent to termination and allow Maya to be adopted by us. I think we can finally breathe easy now knowing that she will stay with us forever. YAY!!!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
My Claim to Fame
I'm famous! Okay, not really. But I've been in Adoptive Families magazine and in our local newspaper. Not a big deal, I know. But it's a start. I would love to write freelance someday and I'm hoping I can get my foot in the door with the adoption route. So the first photos are from an Adoptive Families (a national magazine about adoption-related issues) article about lifebooks. The yellow highlight is where I'm quoted. I happen to be very passionate about lifebooks and I teach a class at my local DCF office. Then there's a picture from Mateo's lifebook on the bottom of one page. I'm going to write out what the quotes are so you can read it for yourselves. I wish I could find the entire article online but I can't. And I don't have time to type the whole article out. You'll just have to buy it if you want to read it. They carry the magazine at Barnes & Noble or you can subscribe at www.adoptivefamilies.com
For an adoption storybook designed for a very young child, less is definitely more. "One or two photos from each place or person is enough," says Justice Riccardi, who adopted her son domestically.
One of the biggest challenges was finding the right words to explain why my son's birthmom can't take care of him," says Riccardi. "I wrote that she had 'big grown-up problems that made it hard for her to care for you or any other baby.' I also repeated the phrase 'babies need food, clothing, toys, and a home,' and added that his birthmother could not provide those things."
Justice Riccardi designed eye-catching pages using photos and stickers on bright backgrounds. Before slipping the pages into plastic protectors in a binder, she made a color copy of the complete book. "We used a three-ring binder, and placed the pages in protective plastic sheets. We also made copies, in case our son spills on it," Riccardi says.
As part of my job (with a non-profit agency that recruits and supports foster/adoptive families in my area) I put an ad in a local paper. Then I got the idea to do a regular column where I can highlight a positive story about foster care or adoption. I started with our story (or a very short version of it), and this is how the column turned out. Our ad is on the bottom. I think it looks great and I'm very happy with it. I'll write that story out too. It's pretty short.
An Adoption Story. When Mateo’s social worker drove up to our house that warm August day, my stomach fluttered and tears welled up in my eyes.
“Come meet your new son!” she yelled after opening her car door. I could see the little feet kicking in the car seat in the back of the car. The social worker picked him up and held him out to us. I couldn’t believe how tiny he was. Mateo was only 14 months old but had a lifetime of worries. He smiled at us, while we talked to him and held him. Of course, he couldn’t understand that we were his parents and he’d be staying with us forever. He was our son! Our first child, our love, our hearts.
I remember the first time Mateo hugged me. He was a happy little boy, but not necessarily affectionate. It took him some time to trust us. To trust that we wouldn’t leave him and that we loved him unconditionally. But one day at a playgroup, another little boy pushed him down, and Mateo came running to me, arms open, and rested his head on my shoulder. I almost started crying myself. It finally felt like he loved us, just as we loved him.
After the adoption was finalized, we had a big party. Many people were there, family and friends, and even Mateo’s first foster mom joined the celebration. We had cake, and a blow up jumpy house, and lots of food. It was a great time and proof that Mateo was as much a part of our family as any biological child would be. I hope that he can look at those pictures one day and know how welcome he has always been in our family. Even though our skin doesn’t match on the outside, family is about what’s on the inside.
I am also on public access television all the time on a show called "Families in the Making" where I was interviewed twice about being a foster/adoptive parent. So I may not be famous, but I'm getting closer. Just watch. Pretty soon I'll be chillin' out with the Jolie-Pitts and chatting about nannies. Angelina, if you're reading this, give me a call, k?
Friday, May 1, 2009
Being Real About Child Abuse
Warning: I'm about to get a little depressing here. Sorry, I just have to express an incident that happened recently that gave me deep feelings about the world. So, read with caution, or don't read at all if you're already in a bad mood.
I went to visit a fellow foster parent last week who takes in babies/toddlers and helps them either reunify with their birth families or transition into adoptive homes. She is a wonderful, caring foster mom and her husband is just as great. I'm sure all of you have heard horrific stories of child abuse and felt sad for the mentioned children. But have you ever met that child you heard the stories about? Have you ever had them sit on your lap and look up at you with beautiful innocent eyes as you listen to the horrific things they've been through?
Well I have. And it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever witnessed. There are two children this woman has in her care right now. A little girl who just turned one year old, with light brown silky hair, deep blue eyes, and chubby little cheeks. She is friendly and cuddly and just precious. The other is a 6 month old boy with dark brown smooth skin, curly black hair, and big brown eyes. When I sat down, the little girl came crawling up to me right away. As she sat on my lap and looked into my eyes, her foster mom began telling me about how she was so malnourished when social services found her that her head had swollen up to protect itself in starvation mode. She had been left in the exersaucer for hours upon hours at a time. There was no food in the house. At 9 months old she didn't know how to drink from a bottle. And her birth father was grooming her for abuse. As I stroked her hair back from her eyes, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of monster could do that to such a sweet angel? And I've never had bad feelings about birth parents before, so this came as a shock to me. But hearing about the abuse and seeing the child in real life, was just so much to take in.
The second child, the little boy with big brown eyes that reminded me of Mateo, came into care with 19 broken bones. He had been shaken and now has extensive brain damage. He had 5 blood clots in his brain, broken ribs, old bruises and fractures, he is blind in one eye and maybe deaf as well. Doctors think he was shaken or thrown on more than one occasion and even stepped on. I've never had such powerful feelings about abuse before. I think when you match the story with the faces, it makes it all the more real.
Both of these babies will be going to adoptive homes. Can you guess who will be placed first? I wish I could tell you that I would scoop up that baby boy and be his mommy forever, but it takes someone special, more special than me, to want to raise that boy forever. A boy who's future is so unknown. I pray that that someone exists and that the love offered can heal his wounds and he will exceed all expectations doctors have of him.
I tried to imagine what life was like now for that little baby boy who had been so hurt by the adults around him. Do you think he knows he's safe now? The foster parents report that he cries all the time. Do you think he trusts anyone after being thrown around and hurt so badly? Even at six months, as defenseless as he is, he knows more than any baby should know about the world. That it is a cruel, painful, horrible place to be. I wonder what he would be like if he hadn't been so abused? It kind of makes you wonder about the pro-choice/pro-life dilemma. What if mothers like that weren't given the choice to abort their unwanted babies? How many more cases would we have of abuse like this; babies who were born to unprepared women, abused, and then put into foster care where they could languish for years becoming more and more detached from society until they end up in prison or in institutions? I'm not trying to start a debate about abortion. I'm not even stating my stance. It's just something I think about often in dealing with abused and neglected children. People say they are only thinking of the babies when it comes to abortion, but who's thinking about them after they're born?
I went to visit a fellow foster parent last week who takes in babies/toddlers and helps them either reunify with their birth families or transition into adoptive homes. She is a wonderful, caring foster mom and her husband is just as great. I'm sure all of you have heard horrific stories of child abuse and felt sad for the mentioned children. But have you ever met that child you heard the stories about? Have you ever had them sit on your lap and look up at you with beautiful innocent eyes as you listen to the horrific things they've been through?
Well I have. And it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever witnessed. There are two children this woman has in her care right now. A little girl who just turned one year old, with light brown silky hair, deep blue eyes, and chubby little cheeks. She is friendly and cuddly and just precious. The other is a 6 month old boy with dark brown smooth skin, curly black hair, and big brown eyes. When I sat down, the little girl came crawling up to me right away. As she sat on my lap and looked into my eyes, her foster mom began telling me about how she was so malnourished when social services found her that her head had swollen up to protect itself in starvation mode. She had been left in the exersaucer for hours upon hours at a time. There was no food in the house. At 9 months old she didn't know how to drink from a bottle. And her birth father was grooming her for abuse. As I stroked her hair back from her eyes, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of monster could do that to such a sweet angel? And I've never had bad feelings about birth parents before, so this came as a shock to me. But hearing about the abuse and seeing the child in real life, was just so much to take in.
The second child, the little boy with big brown eyes that reminded me of Mateo, came into care with 19 broken bones. He had been shaken and now has extensive brain damage. He had 5 blood clots in his brain, broken ribs, old bruises and fractures, he is blind in one eye and maybe deaf as well. Doctors think he was shaken or thrown on more than one occasion and even stepped on. I've never had such powerful feelings about abuse before. I think when you match the story with the faces, it makes it all the more real.
Both of these babies will be going to adoptive homes. Can you guess who will be placed first? I wish I could tell you that I would scoop up that baby boy and be his mommy forever, but it takes someone special, more special than me, to want to raise that boy forever. A boy who's future is so unknown. I pray that that someone exists and that the love offered can heal his wounds and he will exceed all expectations doctors have of him.
I tried to imagine what life was like now for that little baby boy who had been so hurt by the adults around him. Do you think he knows he's safe now? The foster parents report that he cries all the time. Do you think he trusts anyone after being thrown around and hurt so badly? Even at six months, as defenseless as he is, he knows more than any baby should know about the world. That it is a cruel, painful, horrible place to be. I wonder what he would be like if he hadn't been so abused? It kind of makes you wonder about the pro-choice/pro-life dilemma. What if mothers like that weren't given the choice to abort their unwanted babies? How many more cases would we have of abuse like this; babies who were born to unprepared women, abused, and then put into foster care where they could languish for years becoming more and more detached from society until they end up in prison or in institutions? I'm not trying to start a debate about abortion. I'm not even stating my stance. It's just something I think about often in dealing with abused and neglected children. People say they are only thinking of the babies when it comes to abortion, but who's thinking about them after they're born?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Heavily Sarcastic Post About Waiting for Your Child to Come Home
So here's my list about ways to help you while you wait for your child to come home.
1. Alert your church friends, especially the older ladies. They will be knitting up a storm and baking all sorts of goodies for you. My church has already activated the "Hospitality Squad". Picture SWAT team with aprons rapelling through windows with casseroles. But really, I make fun but when we got Mateo my church provided us meals for two weeks and it was a life-saver. It was a bit of a shock when the meals ended and we realized that normal people cook and watch their children all at the same time. Yikes.
2. Buy lots of useless stuff that makes you temporarily feel better about having no control over your life and gives you an outlet to release the frustration, anxiety, and built-up rage at having to wait on social workers to do paperwork just so you can actually start parenting your child. Or maybe that's just me.
3. Think and re-think of baby names until you finally decide on one, then question if that's really the best one or if maybe you should have picked the other one cause it doesn't rhyme with any kind of food, until it starts driving your husband/spouse/friends to want to shoot you in the foot.
4. Obsess over every possible thing that could go wrong with the baby/child while you're waiting for them to come home so that you are in such a state of panic that you're friends have to kidnap you and get you drunk just so you'll smile at something other than a pair of baby shoes you saw at the mall the other day.
5. Fold and sort clothing. Then fold it and sort it again.
6. Blog snarky posts about stupid things to do while waiting for your child to come home.
Well, I hope you got something out of reading this. I sure didn't.
1. Alert your church friends, especially the older ladies. They will be knitting up a storm and baking all sorts of goodies for you. My church has already activated the "Hospitality Squad". Picture SWAT team with aprons rapelling through windows with casseroles. But really, I make fun but when we got Mateo my church provided us meals for two weeks and it was a life-saver. It was a bit of a shock when the meals ended and we realized that normal people cook and watch their children all at the same time. Yikes.
2. Buy lots of useless stuff that makes you temporarily feel better about having no control over your life and gives you an outlet to release the frustration, anxiety, and built-up rage at having to wait on social workers to do paperwork just so you can actually start parenting your child. Or maybe that's just me.
3. Think and re-think of baby names until you finally decide on one, then question if that's really the best one or if maybe you should have picked the other one cause it doesn't rhyme with any kind of food, until it starts driving your husband/spouse/friends to want to shoot you in the foot.
4. Obsess over every possible thing that could go wrong with the baby/child while you're waiting for them to come home so that you are in such a state of panic that you're friends have to kidnap you and get you drunk just so you'll smile at something other than a pair of baby shoes you saw at the mall the other day.
5. Fold and sort clothing. Then fold it and sort it again.
6. Blog snarky posts about stupid things to do while waiting for your child to come home.
Well, I hope you got something out of reading this. I sure didn't.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Oh. My. Freakin. Gosh. Well THIS was Unexpected.
So here we've been waiting and preparing for a boy, most likely a toddler boy. That's where our head space has been. BUT, lo and behold! I get a phone call yesterday that Mateo's birth-mom had a little girl last week. She's going into DCF care when she's discharged. Would we be interested in taking her? Hell yeah! Now I'm in complete shock. We DID NOT expect this at all! A newborn? A girl? Of course I'm excited (and scared to death). But I've never cared for a newborn. I mean, I know they need to eat and sleep but how much, and when? I have no idea. I'm hoping when we pick her up the doctor's will tell us everything we need to know. We will be fostering, of course. But it looks good for going to adoption. We're trying not to think about that though, because it's such a high legal risk we don't want to set ourselves up for something that won't happen.
Dave and I talked briefly about the possibility of Mateo's b-mom having more kids after we first got Mateo. It happens frequently with foster care. We decided a long time ago that it didn't matter what the child was like, if Mateo had a sibling (or a half sibling in this case) the answer would be yes. Doesn't matter if the child is blue with three eyes. The answer would always be yes. But we were still shocked when it happened.
Of course, this is most people's dream come true. A newborn baby girl right from the hospital. And it is for us too. But it's hard to change my previous ideas and shift them to this new reality. It's just very surreal. I don't think I'll actually believe it till I see her.
The sucky part is that she can't leave the hospital for a while. At least two weeks, maybe a month. And we can't visit her. Which is KILLING me! I'm not sure what to do with myself, other than getting ready and collecting the essentials for baby care. But still, I feel like I'm hanging on the edge of something really great but that I have no control over. There's, like, nothing to grasp at. Nothing concrete, no picture, not much info, and she's just out there suffering in a hospital without us, but we can't go hold her! I'm all jittery and anxious and unsettled. I feel like I need to just get out and do something. I should probably store up on sleep or something, huh? Or maybe go on a zillion dates with my husband before she comes.
Please, pray or cross your fingers or send vibes or whatever, that her health stabilizes quickly and we can bring her home.
Now I gotta go set up a crib, buy clothes, and hound my friends for free stuff. I'll update later!
Dave and I talked briefly about the possibility of Mateo's b-mom having more kids after we first got Mateo. It happens frequently with foster care. We decided a long time ago that it didn't matter what the child was like, if Mateo had a sibling (or a half sibling in this case) the answer would be yes. Doesn't matter if the child is blue with three eyes. The answer would always be yes. But we were still shocked when it happened.
Of course, this is most people's dream come true. A newborn baby girl right from the hospital. And it is for us too. But it's hard to change my previous ideas and shift them to this new reality. It's just very surreal. I don't think I'll actually believe it till I see her.
The sucky part is that she can't leave the hospital for a while. At least two weeks, maybe a month. And we can't visit her. Which is KILLING me! I'm not sure what to do with myself, other than getting ready and collecting the essentials for baby care. But still, I feel like I'm hanging on the edge of something really great but that I have no control over. There's, like, nothing to grasp at. Nothing concrete, no picture, not much info, and she's just out there suffering in a hospital without us, but we can't go hold her! I'm all jittery and anxious and unsettled. I feel like I need to just get out and do something. I should probably store up on sleep or something, huh? Or maybe go on a zillion dates with my husband before she comes.
Please, pray or cross your fingers or send vibes or whatever, that her health stabilizes quickly and we can bring her home.
Now I gotta go set up a crib, buy clothes, and hound my friends for free stuff. I'll update later!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Totally Psyching Myself Out
When we started the process for our second adoption, I was really relaxed and not at all eager to get placed. And really, I have no reason to rush. It's not like I'm dying to be a mom like I was before Mateo. And there's plenty to do to occupy our time. Actually, there's plenty to do even just to be ready for another child. So, naturally, I figured I'd just forget that we were waiting altogether and just go on with life as usual.
Of course, my mind never does what I expect it to (it's like it has a mind of it's own or something) and I find myself thinking about our next child everyday. And I'm totally psyching myself out! Every time the phone rings, my mind automatically thinks it could be a call about a kid. Actually, it's getting annoying. Something about just knowing you're on a list, somewhere out there someone has your name and file and home-study ready to place you with a child at any moment, just keeps you constantly on edge. And it isn't like international adoption where you have lots of time to prepare before you pick the child up. In our case, we could potentially have a child in our house tomorrow!
So, trying not to jinx us, I try not to think about it. Then I find myself thinking about not thinking about it, so I'm trying not to do that too. Does your head hurt yet, cause mine does?
Anyway, we've also been slowly getting prepared in whatever way we can, trying not to rush since we most likely won't be chosen for some time (but you never know). But I'm a "signs" kind of person. Don't know why. I believe in God and that He has everything in control and for the right reasons, but I can't stop myself from constantly looking for signs. Most of the time, they're in my head. But sometimes, just sometimes, they're real.
Really though, we haven't been rushing to be prepared. But it's happened, in a natural way, this weekend. We happened to be meeting my mom at Ikea (which is an hour away and not so easy to get to on a regular basis), so I bought some supplies to organize Mateo's closet so there's more room for another child's things. I was going to just hold onto them until I had some time later to fix it up. But we were snowed in yesterday with nothing to do so...well...you know the rest. We also found a crib mattress on sale, so we bought that too. And earlier in the weekend, Dave and I happened to hang out at Babies R Us while waiting for a dinner reservation (not at Babies R Us, the restaurant next door), and so we bought some new bath toys and figured, while we're here, let's get some stuff we need for another child too. See what I mean? It just kind of snuck up on us. So now that we're pretty prepared, I'm wondering if we'll get the call soon. When we waited for Mateo, it seemed that God's timing worked out perfectly to how prepared we were. Well, could it be a sign that we happened to be in the right places this weekend to finish getting ourselves prepared because we are getting a call this week? Probably not. But maybe. Or it could be coincidence. But it's a big coincidence. Or maybe it isn't. I don't know. My head is spinning again.
Well, since I've confused and annoyed enough of us with this post, I'll just end it here.
Of course, my mind never does what I expect it to (it's like it has a mind of it's own or something) and I find myself thinking about our next child everyday. And I'm totally psyching myself out! Every time the phone rings, my mind automatically thinks it could be a call about a kid. Actually, it's getting annoying. Something about just knowing you're on a list, somewhere out there someone has your name and file and home-study ready to place you with a child at any moment, just keeps you constantly on edge. And it isn't like international adoption where you have lots of time to prepare before you pick the child up. In our case, we could potentially have a child in our house tomorrow!
So, trying not to jinx us, I try not to think about it. Then I find myself thinking about not thinking about it, so I'm trying not to do that too. Does your head hurt yet, cause mine does?
Anyway, we've also been slowly getting prepared in whatever way we can, trying not to rush since we most likely won't be chosen for some time (but you never know). But I'm a "signs" kind of person. Don't know why. I believe in God and that He has everything in control and for the right reasons, but I can't stop myself from constantly looking for signs. Most of the time, they're in my head. But sometimes, just sometimes, they're real.
Really though, we haven't been rushing to be prepared. But it's happened, in a natural way, this weekend. We happened to be meeting my mom at Ikea (which is an hour away and not so easy to get to on a regular basis), so I bought some supplies to organize Mateo's closet so there's more room for another child's things. I was going to just hold onto them until I had some time later to fix it up. But we were snowed in yesterday with nothing to do so...well...you know the rest. We also found a crib mattress on sale, so we bought that too. And earlier in the weekend, Dave and I happened to hang out at Babies R Us while waiting for a dinner reservation (not at Babies R Us, the restaurant next door), and so we bought some new bath toys and figured, while we're here, let's get some stuff we need for another child too. See what I mean? It just kind of snuck up on us. So now that we're pretty prepared, I'm wondering if we'll get the call soon. When we waited for Mateo, it seemed that God's timing worked out perfectly to how prepared we were. Well, could it be a sign that we happened to be in the right places this weekend to finish getting ourselves prepared because we are getting a call this week? Probably not. But maybe. Or it could be coincidence. But it's a big coincidence. Or maybe it isn't. I don't know. My head is spinning again.
Well, since I've confused and annoyed enough of us with this post, I'll just end it here.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Just Curious - Why Adopt?
Hello all my bloggy friends! Well I'm nosy, but I'm wondering, my adoptive bloggy friends, how did you choose your adoption path? Why international, domestic, or from foster care? What country did you choose and why? Special needs versus healthy? Older child versus infant?
No one is here to judge your particular decisions. Just curious and interested in hearing some stories. If you're not an adoptive family, do you have bio kids and why did you choose that route? If no kids, why or why not? Participate in any way you'd like.
I'll start. We chose to adoption because, honestly, I never felt the urge to get pregnant. The whole thing kinda freaked me out. My husband wanted to adopt because he didn't feel justified in adding a life into an already populated world just for our own DNA to be spread (which isn't that desirable anyway). We researched all types of adoption, private domestic, international (from every country imaginable), and from foster care. I had lots of experience with foster kids and knew what they were like, but I didn't know much about the process to adopt or if they even "gave out" young children. After getting discouraged over and over at the high cost of international adoption, I met someone who had adopted a 7 month old from foster care and learned about how it all worked. We would have readily accepted a child from another country but couldn't justify going into debt or putting off plans to buy a house, to pay for a child that are so readily available here (and for free!). And I couldn't bring myself to go forward with private adoption because I know there are so many women who can not have biological children, who wait for a newborn a very long time, and I couldn't justify getting in the way of that when I can (as far as I know) have bio children. Plus, I didn't care if we had an infant or not.
After attending an open house with our social service department, our hearts started beating for children in foster care. My heart already beats for any children, but this was a big deal for my husband who isn't a "kid person". For him to suddenly care so much about children who've been abused and tossed around a system, was a big sign for both of us. That, and free college tuition. The process is free, plus our son gets a subsidy every month for medical costs and health care till age 21. Oh, and they do "give out" young children. Even infants.
We were (are) young, so we decided a younger child would be best for us to start with. We picked ages 0-3. Although I would have taken an older child, my husband didn't feel comfortable. We got our son at the perfect age of 14 months. We were also open to many special needs, including drug exposure and cleft lip/palate. The downside to adopting from foster care is, of course, the legal risk. There is no "sure thing". But there are levels of risk and you can choose to only accept children with a low level of legal risk. We picked medium level, I think. I know, it sounds weird. Oh, and we didn't specify a gender, but like everywhere, people prefer girls and more boys are left in the system waiting. In the U.S, most are African American.
Anyway, we had such a great experience working with our local office that we've decided to use this way of building our family for the future. So...what about you?
No one is here to judge your particular decisions. Just curious and interested in hearing some stories. If you're not an adoptive family, do you have bio kids and why did you choose that route? If no kids, why or why not? Participate in any way you'd like.
I'll start. We chose to adoption because, honestly, I never felt the urge to get pregnant. The whole thing kinda freaked me out. My husband wanted to adopt because he didn't feel justified in adding a life into an already populated world just for our own DNA to be spread (which isn't that desirable anyway). We researched all types of adoption, private domestic, international (from every country imaginable), and from foster care. I had lots of experience with foster kids and knew what they were like, but I didn't know much about the process to adopt or if they even "gave out" young children. After getting discouraged over and over at the high cost of international adoption, I met someone who had adopted a 7 month old from foster care and learned about how it all worked. We would have readily accepted a child from another country but couldn't justify going into debt or putting off plans to buy a house, to pay for a child that are so readily available here (and for free!). And I couldn't bring myself to go forward with private adoption because I know there are so many women who can not have biological children, who wait for a newborn a very long time, and I couldn't justify getting in the way of that when I can (as far as I know) have bio children. Plus, I didn't care if we had an infant or not.
After attending an open house with our social service department, our hearts started beating for children in foster care. My heart already beats for any children, but this was a big deal for my husband who isn't a "kid person". For him to suddenly care so much about children who've been abused and tossed around a system, was a big sign for both of us. That, and free college tuition. The process is free, plus our son gets a subsidy every month for medical costs and health care till age 21. Oh, and they do "give out" young children. Even infants.
We were (are) young, so we decided a younger child would be best for us to start with. We picked ages 0-3. Although I would have taken an older child, my husband didn't feel comfortable. We got our son at the perfect age of 14 months. We were also open to many special needs, including drug exposure and cleft lip/palate. The downside to adopting from foster care is, of course, the legal risk. There is no "sure thing". But there are levels of risk and you can choose to only accept children with a low level of legal risk. We picked medium level, I think. I know, it sounds weird. Oh, and we didn't specify a gender, but like everywhere, people prefer girls and more boys are left in the system waiting. In the U.S, most are African American.
Anyway, we had such a great experience working with our local office that we've decided to use this way of building our family for the future. So...what about you?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The Balance Must be Restored
A prayer for our future child.
God, we have many things to thank you for. But now we come to you with an urgent request about our future child and Mateo's future brother. If you could do anything for us regarding this second matching and adoption, please, please, please, give us a mellow child. Of course, it would be great if the kid was healthy and well-adjusted and all of that. But even more important is that he be the polar opposite of the one you already gave us (who we love dearly and thank you for almost everyday, by the way).
But, honestly, I don't think I have the stamina for two feisty children. We already have one bossy, demanding, high maintenance, opinionated, loud, hyper, willful, spirited (and adorable) child running the house. Not to mention he takes after me. Dave is in the minority with his calm spirit and mellow vibes. So, please, restore the balance in the universe and bring us a child like Dave. Guide our social worker, God, to find the most easy-going baby on the earth, and bring him to us (wrapped in a bow on our doorstep would great). May the force be with you.
God, we have many things to thank you for. But now we come to you with an urgent request about our future child and Mateo's future brother. If you could do anything for us regarding this second matching and adoption, please, please, please, give us a mellow child. Of course, it would be great if the kid was healthy and well-adjusted and all of that. But even more important is that he be the polar opposite of the one you already gave us (who we love dearly and thank you for almost everyday, by the way).
But, honestly, I don't think I have the stamina for two feisty children. We already have one bossy, demanding, high maintenance, opinionated, loud, hyper, willful, spirited (and adorable) child running the house. Not to mention he takes after me. Dave is in the minority with his calm spirit and mellow vibes. So, please, restore the balance in the universe and bring us a child like Dave. Guide our social worker, God, to find the most easy-going baby on the earth, and bring him to us (wrapped in a bow on our doorstep would great). May the force be with you.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Adoption: blessing or curse?
I need to get serious here for a moment and get some things off my chest about adoption. Read with caution.
As I grow and learn and mature into becoming an adoptive parent, I am starting to realize the dark side of it all. I thank God for Mateo everyday. I thank Him for adoption and the opportunity for us to grow our family through adoption. But isn't that so sick and twisted? That I pride myself on being "one of those people", who's willing to open my heart and home to adopt a child who can't be with their family. While it's a beautiful and wonderful blessing for me, it is certainly not for my son. Or any child from a domestic, international, or foster care situation either. It's sad. And horrible. And I don't know why we are rejoicing and thanking God for the gift of adoption.
My son lost his birthfamily. He lost his culture, his race, his DNA, his genetic connection to anybody, his history, his lineage, any birth siblings, and more than I can ever know. That's sad. That is not joyous and happy. That is nothing to have a party about or baby shower or whatever. Mateo's adoption means loss. It means sin and imperfection magnified in this world. It means grief and trauma and possibly guilt and shame.
It also means rebirth, hope, another chance, and a new family. But I can't choose that meaning for him. It may be what it means to us, as parents, but it will probably not mean the same to Mateo. People say he is so lucky. The pat answer adoptive parents give is that we are the lucky ones. But Mateo is not lucky. It wouldn't even be "lucky" for him to have stayed with his birthfamily. It would be normal. That's what he's entitled to, isn't it? All the things I mentioned above. The genetic connection, acceptance, and love all children should have. He deserves to be with a family that looks like him. Not one that looks like the same people who oppressed his race for so long. For Mateo to be with his birthfamily would just be natural, the way things should be. But relatively speaking, is it "luckier" for a child to be adopted then hanging around in foster care or in an orphanage possibly dying of hunger and never forming any connections? Of course. But is it really lucky, compared to most families where children aren't abused or neglected or starving, and stay with their birthparents that love and want them?
And what about the parents who are the "lucky" ones to get to adopt a child? What about those who have to make great sacrifices in raising a child with RAD or special needs or medical problems they didn't know about? I can tell you that through the struggles we had with Mateo, I didn't feel very lucky to have adopted him. I don't think people living with RAD feel very lucky to have adopted a hurt, broken, child who has changed their life so drastically. That doesn't mean they don't love their child or feel a deep bond with them. But lucky? I don't know about that.
Obviously, many children can't be with their birthfamilies, because of sin. Because the world is messed up. Because Adam and Eve ate that damn apple from that stupid tree. I don't think it's better for kids who can't be reunited to languish in foster care forever or grow up in an orphanage. Of course I believe in permanency and family and trying to make the best of a sucky situation. But I am torn between being so happy that I can have Mateo because of this sin and imperfection, and being so sad that he has to be with us instead of the birthfamily he deserves. I don't know whether I love adoption or hate it. Whether I want to be a part of it forever or never again. I definitely shouldn't feel happy about adopting children. How could someone be happy about a child being ripped away from a family and culture they will never truly know, whether it's anyone's fault or not?
I certainly can't teach my son how to be a biracial hispanic and african american man in today's world. The best I can do is provide someone else who can teach him. Even still, the people who love him the most look nothing like him. They don't talk like his people or eat like his people or live like his people, for the most part. Yes, obviously we are all human beings, and Americans, and blah blah blah, but come on, everyone would admit there are differences in the way people of different races live. Whether it's speaking Spanish among family, cooking soul food, or specific slang words. When I worked at a camp for inner city foster children, who were mostly african american, I couldn't understand what they were talking about many times. And I'm young and pretty hip! Those nuances are important sub-cultural social clues about a person. Most transracial adoptees would agree they missed out on that. It made it harder to relate to their peers, the ones that looked like them. That's why black people raised with white parents are often accused of "talking white." So they are not truly accepted by either group. And family is supposed to be comfort and acceptance and the one place in this world where you can be yourself. What if you don't know who yourself is? And what if your family doesn't feel like your real home, or you're not entirely comfortable there? Then what do you have? Nothing. You're lost. And that's the worst place to be. Lost.
So, I know that I've drifted in my discussion here. But it's all related, in my head anyway. Sorry if it's hard to follow. Just some thoughts I've been having lately. Especially hearing other parents who are so excited for upcoming adoptions (I am too, so I'm not blaming anyone), I just think we all have something to learn by looking at adoption from another point of view.
This is just me being open and honest about something very complex. I don't mean to blame or judge anyone, only myself and my own feelings. So don't take any of it personally, but feel free to leave a comment, whether you disagree or not.
As I grow and learn and mature into becoming an adoptive parent, I am starting to realize the dark side of it all. I thank God for Mateo everyday. I thank Him for adoption and the opportunity for us to grow our family through adoption. But isn't that so sick and twisted? That I pride myself on being "one of those people", who's willing to open my heart and home to adopt a child who can't be with their family. While it's a beautiful and wonderful blessing for me, it is certainly not for my son. Or any child from a domestic, international, or foster care situation either. It's sad. And horrible. And I don't know why we are rejoicing and thanking God for the gift of adoption.
My son lost his birthfamily. He lost his culture, his race, his DNA, his genetic connection to anybody, his history, his lineage, any birth siblings, and more than I can ever know. That's sad. That is not joyous and happy. That is nothing to have a party about or baby shower or whatever. Mateo's adoption means loss. It means sin and imperfection magnified in this world. It means grief and trauma and possibly guilt and shame.
It also means rebirth, hope, another chance, and a new family. But I can't choose that meaning for him. It may be what it means to us, as parents, but it will probably not mean the same to Mateo. People say he is so lucky. The pat answer adoptive parents give is that we are the lucky ones. But Mateo is not lucky. It wouldn't even be "lucky" for him to have stayed with his birthfamily. It would be normal. That's what he's entitled to, isn't it? All the things I mentioned above. The genetic connection, acceptance, and love all children should have. He deserves to be with a family that looks like him. Not one that looks like the same people who oppressed his race for so long. For Mateo to be with his birthfamily would just be natural, the way things should be. But relatively speaking, is it "luckier" for a child to be adopted then hanging around in foster care or in an orphanage possibly dying of hunger and never forming any connections? Of course. But is it really lucky, compared to most families where children aren't abused or neglected or starving, and stay with their birthparents that love and want them?
And what about the parents who are the "lucky" ones to get to adopt a child? What about those who have to make great sacrifices in raising a child with RAD or special needs or medical problems they didn't know about? I can tell you that through the struggles we had with Mateo, I didn't feel very lucky to have adopted him. I don't think people living with RAD feel very lucky to have adopted a hurt, broken, child who has changed their life so drastically. That doesn't mean they don't love their child or feel a deep bond with them. But lucky? I don't know about that.
Obviously, many children can't be with their birthfamilies, because of sin. Because the world is messed up. Because Adam and Eve ate that damn apple from that stupid tree. I don't think it's better for kids who can't be reunited to languish in foster care forever or grow up in an orphanage. Of course I believe in permanency and family and trying to make the best of a sucky situation. But I am torn between being so happy that I can have Mateo because of this sin and imperfection, and being so sad that he has to be with us instead of the birthfamily he deserves. I don't know whether I love adoption or hate it. Whether I want to be a part of it forever or never again. I definitely shouldn't feel happy about adopting children. How could someone be happy about a child being ripped away from a family and culture they will never truly know, whether it's anyone's fault or not?
I certainly can't teach my son how to be a biracial hispanic and african american man in today's world. The best I can do is provide someone else who can teach him. Even still, the people who love him the most look nothing like him. They don't talk like his people or eat like his people or live like his people, for the most part. Yes, obviously we are all human beings, and Americans, and blah blah blah, but come on, everyone would admit there are differences in the way people of different races live. Whether it's speaking Spanish among family, cooking soul food, or specific slang words. When I worked at a camp for inner city foster children, who were mostly african american, I couldn't understand what they were talking about many times. And I'm young and pretty hip! Those nuances are important sub-cultural social clues about a person. Most transracial adoptees would agree they missed out on that. It made it harder to relate to their peers, the ones that looked like them. That's why black people raised with white parents are often accused of "talking white." So they are not truly accepted by either group. And family is supposed to be comfort and acceptance and the one place in this world where you can be yourself. What if you don't know who yourself is? And what if your family doesn't feel like your real home, or you're not entirely comfortable there? Then what do you have? Nothing. You're lost. And that's the worst place to be. Lost.
So, I know that I've drifted in my discussion here. But it's all related, in my head anyway. Sorry if it's hard to follow. Just some thoughts I've been having lately. Especially hearing other parents who are so excited for upcoming adoptions (I am too, so I'm not blaming anyone), I just think we all have something to learn by looking at adoption from another point of view.
This is just me being open and honest about something very complex. I don't mean to blame or judge anyone, only myself and my own feelings. So don't take any of it personally, but feel free to leave a comment, whether you disagree or not.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Justice's Tips for Adoptive Parents
Again, I have reason to believe I am important somehow. That people want to know my opinion and hear what I have to say. This may not be true but it's the only reason I can justify keeping up this blog. So, in the theme of National Adoption Month, here are a few tips for adoptive families that are awaiting their child. So, no credibility here, just what I learned from Mateo. Maybe you can get something out of it or maybe it is further confirmation that I am a self-obsessed, know-it-all, who thinks she is far more important than she really is and you'll never visit my blog again. Either way, here it is.
1. Be prepared to not be prepared. What I mean is, know that you will have feelings and emotions that you didn't expect to feel. And that is okay. You really can't be prepared for what this will be like.
2. It's a good idea to be prepared for stupid questions and assumptions from others who don't understand adoption. Sometimes these people are ignorant and inexperienced. Sometimes they are curious and don't know better. And sometimes they are just mean. I've found most of the time, people are just uneducated about adoption etiquette. Example; at Mateo's adoption party an old friend says to me, "so you're not gonna have any kids?" Another time, after noticing Mateo wasn't talking as well as other kids his age someone asks, "is he slow?" and "will he ever be normal?" It's a good idea to have some pat answers for these situations.
3. Know that you will have feelings about being a transracial parent (if you are going that route), even if you think you won't. Hidden prejudices will come up for you, your family, and your friends. You may experience some negative comments from people you thought loved you, and they probably do, but haven't had to think about what they say before. Again, have responses ready, you will have to do a lot of educating.
4. Flexibility is essential. You may have to change your plan and tactics as your child grows and develops, and as the attachment strengthens. Be open to new ideas.
5. Be patient! Give the child time to adjust and don't expect to see results right away. But be happy with the small successes. For instance, it took Mateo almost a year to learn how to go down a playground slide by himself. Which is a small success for a typical child his age. But for us, we about had a party when he finally did it. I called our friends and family to let them know and they were just as excited. You would have thought he won the Nobel Prize or something. But it does make life better because we don't take the small accomplishments for granted.
6. Expect ups and downs and set-backs. Mateo is constantly cycling through behavior problems and emotional problems. I can't say what he'll be like 6 months from now. I don't know what behaviors patterns are gone forever or will be back in a matter of a few month or a few years. He can regress quickly in certain circumstances as well. This is normal for a child with a background of trauma. And all adopted kids have experienced trauma. Even if they have not been abused, they've had trauma just in losing their birthparents.
7. Be prepared to change your preconceptions of parenting and erase what you think you know about parenting. Throw away your parenting experiences because it won't be the same. This is especially true for parents adopting an older child.
8. You may have trouble relating with other parents who have not adopted. You may feel like you're looked at differently or feel like an outsider. This is why it's important to get to know other adoptive families.
9. Take care of yourself!!!
10. Get help quickly if you feel you need it. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist. And there is nothing wrong with asking for professional help for your child either.
I will be doing a final Adoption post before the end of the month, then it's back to my normal funny stories and rants. Have a good Thanksgiving everybody!
1. Be prepared to not be prepared. What I mean is, know that you will have feelings and emotions that you didn't expect to feel. And that is okay. You really can't be prepared for what this will be like.
2. It's a good idea to be prepared for stupid questions and assumptions from others who don't understand adoption. Sometimes these people are ignorant and inexperienced. Sometimes they are curious and don't know better. And sometimes they are just mean. I've found most of the time, people are just uneducated about adoption etiquette. Example; at Mateo's adoption party an old friend says to me, "so you're not gonna have any kids?" Another time, after noticing Mateo wasn't talking as well as other kids his age someone asks, "is he slow?" and "will he ever be normal?" It's a good idea to have some pat answers for these situations.
3. Know that you will have feelings about being a transracial parent (if you are going that route), even if you think you won't. Hidden prejudices will come up for you, your family, and your friends. You may experience some negative comments from people you thought loved you, and they probably do, but haven't had to think about what they say before. Again, have responses ready, you will have to do a lot of educating.
4. Flexibility is essential. You may have to change your plan and tactics as your child grows and develops, and as the attachment strengthens. Be open to new ideas.
5. Be patient! Give the child time to adjust and don't expect to see results right away. But be happy with the small successes. For instance, it took Mateo almost a year to learn how to go down a playground slide by himself. Which is a small success for a typical child his age. But for us, we about had a party when he finally did it. I called our friends and family to let them know and they were just as excited. You would have thought he won the Nobel Prize or something. But it does make life better because we don't take the small accomplishments for granted.
6. Expect ups and downs and set-backs. Mateo is constantly cycling through behavior problems and emotional problems. I can't say what he'll be like 6 months from now. I don't know what behaviors patterns are gone forever or will be back in a matter of a few month or a few years. He can regress quickly in certain circumstances as well. This is normal for a child with a background of trauma. And all adopted kids have experienced trauma. Even if they have not been abused, they've had trauma just in losing their birthparents.
7. Be prepared to change your preconceptions of parenting and erase what you think you know about parenting. Throw away your parenting experiences because it won't be the same. This is especially true for parents adopting an older child.
8. You may have trouble relating with other parents who have not adopted. You may feel like you're looked at differently or feel like an outsider. This is why it's important to get to know other adoptive families.
9. Take care of yourself!!!
10. Get help quickly if you feel you need it. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist. And there is nothing wrong with asking for professional help for your child either.
I will be doing a final Adoption post before the end of the month, then it's back to my normal funny stories and rants. Have a good Thanksgiving everybody!
Friday, November 21, 2008
How to Become a Foster/Adoptive Parent
Like I promised in the beginning of the month, here are the steps to becoming a foster or adoptive parent. Keep in mind, this is how it works in my state of Connecticut, but I'm pretty sure it's similar in other states as well.
1.) Attend an open house at your local social services office. They usually hold them once or twice per month. My state has them twice a month and you can find a list on our state website. At the open house you should hear a presentation about the process, the kids, the system, etc. You should also be able to ask questions.
2.) In my state, the next step is to have a social worker come to your house for a short preliminary interview. This is to be sure you have an appropriate living arrangement for a child (i.e. no exposed wires, lead paint, construction projects, etc). Usually they will ask you a few questions about what your looking for and a tour of the house. Then they will perform extensive background checks to be sure you are able to be licensed. If all is clear...
3.) You will be invited to attend a class. In my state, it is 10 weeks of classes, once per week for 3 hours each. This is when you learn even more about working with the system, the legal process, the kids, the birthparents, etc. This is also an assessment period for the social worker to get to know your family and for you to decide if this is the right path for your family. The classes are tough and give you lots to talk and think about. During these classes you will also be completing a lot of "homework" and paperwork.
4.) After you complete the classes, the social worker will write what is called a homestudy. This is a compilation of a written summary and pictures of your family. The social worker will also do a series of interviews, usually once individually, then once all together. They do pry into your background and experiences a bit. They will ask about your upbringing and are pretty nosy, but it is in the best interest of the children in care.
5.) After the homestudy is completed, you are licensed! If you are just fostering you will probably get kids right away. They are usually matched to you by the office "matcher". There is one, or maybe more, social workers whose sole responsibility is to match the kids coming into care to a family that will take them.
If you are adopting, the process is different. After completing your homestudy, it goes into the central office of the state. When a child comes up that a social worker is looking for an adoptive or pre-adoptive home for, the placement team picks several homestudies that fit with the needs of the child. Then they have a meeting where all team members read the homestudies and the child's file, and then rate the families for the best match. Whichever family has the most points, wins! Well... basically.
Who Can Adopt?
~ over 21 years of age
~ rent or own a house with adequate space
~ able to pay your bills and support a child
~ single men and women
~ same sex couples
~ grandparents
Who Can Not Adopt?
~ anyone with a violent criminal history
~ anyone who's had a substantiated abuse or neglect conviction with social services
~ a registered sex offender
~ anyone who lives with someone with a criminal history, sex offender, or abuser
I have some blogger friends that have adopted internationally :) While I am so happy for them finding their child(ren) and are glad their are people willing to build their families that way, I am a huge advocate for adoption through foster care. So, of course I have to talk about what I think are the benefits of adopting this way versus a different route.
1. Shorter wait time. Licensing takes, on average, 4 months. After being licensed we got our son in 2 months. So, in total, it took 6 months to have our family. This does vary, however. If you are only willing to accept a white healthy infant, I can tell you right now you might as well go elsewhere. It just ain't gonna happen. The more open you are to disability, race, age, gender, the faster you will be placed. Of course, you have to do what you are comfortable with.
2. MUCH lower cost. Actually, in CT there is NO cost. Every part of the process is free. And actually, the state pays you to care for the child before the adoption, then most adoptions continue with a subsidy until the child is 18yrs. In our case, Mateo is considered medically complex (because of a peanut allergy) so we get twice as much per month as a typical child until he is an adult AND free health care and college tuition.
3. Did you hear me correctly? FREE COLLEGE TUITION! Well, in CT, but more states are offering that as well. And free health insurance. We don't have to pay a single co-pay.
4. Most of the time you know more information with state care kids than with kids adopted overseas. When you take a placement, you are given the child's file with every detail the social worker's know about that child.
5. Usually no language barrier.
6. Pre and post adoption support groups, family events, advocates, and support through the state agency and social workers. This is where my job kicks in! We do a Christmas party, beach day, family picnic, bowling, scrapbooking party, Harvest fair, amusement park day, and more every year for our foster/adopt families. Here is where we get support and encouragement from others in our similar situation.
There are plenty of pros and cons to every type of adoption. I would encourage anyone to research extensively and consider every option before making a decision. Either way you do it, adoption is a beautiful choice.
If you have any questions, I am happy to oblige if I can. And I hope everyone would consider how they can help a foster youth in their area. If you don't feel you can handle fostering or adopting, there is a need for respite providers (overnight babysitters) and youth mentors as well. I can promise you, you won't regret getting involved in the lives of foster children.
1.) Attend an open house at your local social services office. They usually hold them once or twice per month. My state has them twice a month and you can find a list on our state website. At the open house you should hear a presentation about the process, the kids, the system, etc. You should also be able to ask questions.
2.) In my state, the next step is to have a social worker come to your house for a short preliminary interview. This is to be sure you have an appropriate living arrangement for a child (i.e. no exposed wires, lead paint, construction projects, etc). Usually they will ask you a few questions about what your looking for and a tour of the house. Then they will perform extensive background checks to be sure you are able to be licensed. If all is clear...
3.) You will be invited to attend a class. In my state, it is 10 weeks of classes, once per week for 3 hours each. This is when you learn even more about working with the system, the legal process, the kids, the birthparents, etc. This is also an assessment period for the social worker to get to know your family and for you to decide if this is the right path for your family. The classes are tough and give you lots to talk and think about. During these classes you will also be completing a lot of "homework" and paperwork.
4.) After you complete the classes, the social worker will write what is called a homestudy. This is a compilation of a written summary and pictures of your family. The social worker will also do a series of interviews, usually once individually, then once all together. They do pry into your background and experiences a bit. They will ask about your upbringing and are pretty nosy, but it is in the best interest of the children in care.
5.) After the homestudy is completed, you are licensed! If you are just fostering you will probably get kids right away. They are usually matched to you by the office "matcher". There is one, or maybe more, social workers whose sole responsibility is to match the kids coming into care to a family that will take them.
If you are adopting, the process is different. After completing your homestudy, it goes into the central office of the state. When a child comes up that a social worker is looking for an adoptive or pre-adoptive home for, the placement team picks several homestudies that fit with the needs of the child. Then they have a meeting where all team members read the homestudies and the child's file, and then rate the families for the best match. Whichever family has the most points, wins! Well... basically.
Who Can Adopt?
~ over 21 years of age
~ rent or own a house with adequate space
~ able to pay your bills and support a child
~ single men and women
~ same sex couples
~ grandparents
Who Can Not Adopt?
~ anyone with a violent criminal history
~ anyone who's had a substantiated abuse or neglect conviction with social services
~ a registered sex offender
~ anyone who lives with someone with a criminal history, sex offender, or abuser
I have some blogger friends that have adopted internationally :) While I am so happy for them finding their child(ren) and are glad their are people willing to build their families that way, I am a huge advocate for adoption through foster care. So, of course I have to talk about what I think are the benefits of adopting this way versus a different route.
1. Shorter wait time. Licensing takes, on average, 4 months. After being licensed we got our son in 2 months. So, in total, it took 6 months to have our family. This does vary, however. If you are only willing to accept a white healthy infant, I can tell you right now you might as well go elsewhere. It just ain't gonna happen. The more open you are to disability, race, age, gender, the faster you will be placed. Of course, you have to do what you are comfortable with.
2. MUCH lower cost. Actually, in CT there is NO cost. Every part of the process is free. And actually, the state pays you to care for the child before the adoption, then most adoptions continue with a subsidy until the child is 18yrs. In our case, Mateo is considered medically complex (because of a peanut allergy) so we get twice as much per month as a typical child until he is an adult AND free health care and college tuition.
3. Did you hear me correctly? FREE COLLEGE TUITION! Well, in CT, but more states are offering that as well. And free health insurance. We don't have to pay a single co-pay.
4. Most of the time you know more information with state care kids than with kids adopted overseas. When you take a placement, you are given the child's file with every detail the social worker's know about that child.
5. Usually no language barrier.
6. Pre and post adoption support groups, family events, advocates, and support through the state agency and social workers. This is where my job kicks in! We do a Christmas party, beach day, family picnic, bowling, scrapbooking party, Harvest fair, amusement park day, and more every year for our foster/adopt families. Here is where we get support and encouragement from others in our similar situation.
There are plenty of pros and cons to every type of adoption. I would encourage anyone to research extensively and consider every option before making a decision. Either way you do it, adoption is a beautiful choice.
If you have any questions, I am happy to oblige if I can. And I hope everyone would consider how they can help a foster youth in their area. If you don't feel you can handle fostering or adopting, there is a need for respite providers (overnight babysitters) and youth mentors as well. I can promise you, you won't regret getting involved in the lives of foster children.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
National Adoption Month
So here's our one year later video made for Mateo's Gotcha Day, which was August 29. Tomorrow I'll post about the process of becoming licensed to foster or adopt and how you can get involved without having to become a parent. Without further ado, here's a brief, happy view of our experience with Mateo the last year. If you've seen it already, sorry.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
In Conclusion
Okay, so we are nearing the end of our story of Mateo's adoption. About 9 months after he came to us, things began turning for the better. Ironically, that's also when we finalized the adoption. On May 23, 2008, we legally adopted Mateo. It was around this time that he stopped his extreme rages, tantrums, and aggression.
I wish I could say everything is perfect, but that is not the reality. Mateo still has some self-control and impulse issues. He has very little tolerance for being out of his routine, being hungry, overwhelmed, or over-tired. He has quite a temper and gets frustrated easily. This interrupts his development because he doesn't have the ability to problem solve through situations. He still hits and scratches when he's mad, this problem goes along with the self-control issue. But he responds well to time-outs and we continue to work on this. Mateo also becomes overstimulated easily and then he gets very hyper, loud, and rough. We have to use a lot of calming down techniques when he gets this way. And we always have to be conscious of the volume of our voice and emotions. He also has a significant speech delay, partly to do with the cleft/lip but not entirely.
But the difference between parenting him now versus just a few months ago is amazing. And it just gets better and better as time goes on. I can take him out in public and not feel like I have to explain why he is acting a certain way. Our attachment is that of a normal parent and toddler. We are most definitely his mom and dad and he loves us!
But Mateo is also very sensitive to loss and sometimes overreacts to certain situations that trigger some memory or negative feeling. I can't always pinpoint what it is or why, but sometimes I can just tell he's having an emotional purge of something from his past. I wonder if this will always be with him, showing up when normal childhood hurts happen. The loss of a pet. A friend moving away. Changing teachers in school. Will this elicit a huge emotional response? Will he wonder if we're gonna leave him too? I guess we'll see.
In a way, I envy other parents for being able to bond with their child so easily and naturally. Especially since I feel like we had to go through hell to get what other parents have for free. But in another way, I am glad we had to fight for his love and trust. It makes our bond stronger because it wasn't given freely. The fact that we did go through hell proves to Mateo the commitment and unconditional love we have for him. And we all know that we can handle anything he throws our way. And that is actually a comforting thought.
I am falling in love with him more and more everyday. Now when people ask me if I love being a mom, I can answer truthfully, yes!
Tomorrow I'll post another video. And for the rest of November, since it's still National Adoption Month, I am going to promote adoption through foster care. I'll give more information about it and how you can become involved. After November my blog will go back to it's original intent of being a place to vent the frustrations and humors of being a parent.
I wish I could say everything is perfect, but that is not the reality. Mateo still has some self-control and impulse issues. He has very little tolerance for being out of his routine, being hungry, overwhelmed, or over-tired. He has quite a temper and gets frustrated easily. This interrupts his development because he doesn't have the ability to problem solve through situations. He still hits and scratches when he's mad, this problem goes along with the self-control issue. But he responds well to time-outs and we continue to work on this. Mateo also becomes overstimulated easily and then he gets very hyper, loud, and rough. We have to use a lot of calming down techniques when he gets this way. And we always have to be conscious of the volume of our voice and emotions. He also has a significant speech delay, partly to do with the cleft/lip but not entirely.
But the difference between parenting him now versus just a few months ago is amazing. And it just gets better and better as time goes on. I can take him out in public and not feel like I have to explain why he is acting a certain way. Our attachment is that of a normal parent and toddler. We are most definitely his mom and dad and he loves us!
But Mateo is also very sensitive to loss and sometimes overreacts to certain situations that trigger some memory or negative feeling. I can't always pinpoint what it is or why, but sometimes I can just tell he's having an emotional purge of something from his past. I wonder if this will always be with him, showing up when normal childhood hurts happen. The loss of a pet. A friend moving away. Changing teachers in school. Will this elicit a huge emotional response? Will he wonder if we're gonna leave him too? I guess we'll see.
In a way, I envy other parents for being able to bond with their child so easily and naturally. Especially since I feel like we had to go through hell to get what other parents have for free. But in another way, I am glad we had to fight for his love and trust. It makes our bond stronger because it wasn't given freely. The fact that we did go through hell proves to Mateo the commitment and unconditional love we have for him. And we all know that we can handle anything he throws our way. And that is actually a comforting thought.
I am falling in love with him more and more everyday. Now when people ask me if I love being a mom, I can answer truthfully, yes!
Tomorrow I'll post another video. And for the rest of November, since it's still National Adoption Month, I am going to promote adoption through foster care. I'll give more information about it and how you can become involved. After November my blog will go back to it's original intent of being a place to vent the frustrations and humors of being a parent.
Pictures from Adoption Day!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Famous People Were Adopted Too!
Adopted:
Faith Hill
D.M.C.
Dave Thomas
Edgar Alan Poe
John Lennon
Langston Hughs
Aristotle
Malcolm X
George Washington Carver
Ray Liotta
Sarah McLauchlin
John Hancock
Melissa Gilbert
Nat King Cole
President Gerald Ford
Scott Hamilton
Famous People Who Were in Foster Care:
Marilyn Monroe
Eddie Murphy
Dave Peltzer (author)
Dr. Ruth
Cher
John Lennon
Ice T
Babe Ruth
Willie Nelson
Eleanor Roosevelt
Betcha' didn't know that!
Faith Hill
D.M.C.
Dave Thomas
Edgar Alan Poe
John Lennon
Langston Hughs
Aristotle
Malcolm X
George Washington Carver
Ray Liotta
Sarah McLauchlin
John Hancock
Melissa Gilbert
Nat King Cole
President Gerald Ford
Scott Hamilton
Famous People Who Were in Foster Care:
Marilyn Monroe
Eddie Murphy
Dave Peltzer (author)
Dr. Ruth
Cher
John Lennon
Ice T
Babe Ruth
Willie Nelson
Eleanor Roosevelt
Betcha' didn't know that!
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