Surgery Update

Mateo did end up staying overnight. They took out the tonsils, the adenoids (again), and put in ear tubes. The ENT said it was good that we did all three. He really needed it. Surgery went well but after he wasn't breathing as well. Nothing to be alarmed about but his oxygen sats were low at first so they wanted to be sure to monitor him overnight. He is doing just fine today and coming home soon. Dave stayed overnight with him, since he's such a daddy's boy. He had a lot of trouble coming out of anesthesia, which we anticipated based on how he did last time. Since he's pretty much irritable on a daily basis, and normally has trouble going from sleeping to waking, it was no surprise that he had even more trouble after surgery, in a strange environment, with lots of tubes stuck to him. He was so combative, agitated, AND STRONG, that the nurses gave him a dose of Morphine. Fifteen minutes later, another dose. Twenty minutes later they called the anesthesiologist down, who gave him some Valium, "just to calm him down." Yes, thank you! As we were in a wrestling match with him for the last 45 minutes. After the Valium he still tried to take the IV out but was much slower at it so we could catch him. He recovered fine after that. But I have a big gouge taken out of my finger as a war wound.

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts and prayers. We are happy there was no excessive bleeding. He should be home today, eating ice cream and popsicles, and hopefully in a good mood.

Oh, and we had the same nurse in the inpatient unit as we did when we were there last month with Maya. And she recognized us! I had to explain that we don't intentionally put our children in the hospital 6 weeks apart, it's just a coincidence. We are a normal family...sort of.

Surgery Day

Today is Mateo's 4th surgery. He's having his tonsils out, ear tubes in, and adenoids checked. He had his adenoids out last year but they sometimes grow back. Sometimes these surgeries can cause complications for children with cleft lip/palate. So we have a bed held for us in case, but we're hoping we don't need to use it. I'd like to go home today. I'll update later about how it went. I'm guessing Mateo won't be very happy after surgery. We're also going to be messing with his medication doses but....he hasn't been stable anyway. I'm also guessing he's going to be pretty irritable and angry due to the heightened level of anxiety the whole event will cause him. He's so sensitive to everything, I'm gearing myself up for a rough couple of days.

I do have a medication update I'll post later.

Unschooling

What is Unschooling:

Unschooling is a type of homeschooling but without the curriculum and formal teaching schedule. It's very radical but I think it will work for our family. I'll explain why below. So what is Unschooling? It's completely child-led, parent-guided, and focused on what the child is interested in. It's all day, everyday, life-long learning adventures in the community, at home, and outside in nature. It involves running around outside, exploring nature, observing bugs, cooking meals, playing computer games, taking interesting classes in the community, jumping on trampolines, spending entire days at the beach, and learning as we live and explore. The philosophy is based on the fact that children are naturally curious about the world and want to learn. And that by following their interests and their lead, we, as a family, will learn far more than in school where it's forced and unnatural.

It's different from traditional homeschooling because there's no curriculum, no worksheets, no scheduled "school" time, and no tests. It's life. It's making the most of every moment, every interest, every curiosity, and learning more about the world together as a family. We've done some of this type of teaching and noticed Mateo responds really really well to it. Here's why.

***We're using the unschooling method of educating our children, not parenting. Most unschoolers extend this style into their parenting allowing their child to go to bed when they want and eat when and what they want as well. They believe children know what's best for themselves and parents don't. This is where I draw the line. Mateo needs to go to bed at a reasonable time if nothing more than for my sanity :)


Why we're doing it:

Basically, it comes down to the fact that I think I can teach my kids better than an over-worked, under-paid teacher of 20 other students can. I'm not anti-school and I probably wouldn't do this if I had any other child than I do. Actually, I've never been a fan of homeschooling. My experience of homeschooling has always been religious fanatics that are scared their children will be infiltrated by demons in the public school system. Their children are socially stunted because they've only ever been around other people like them, while the real world isn't like that, and kids need to know how to socialize with lots of types of people. So it's almost laughable that I would ever even consider homeschooling. Actually, even saying the word makes me throw up a little in my mouth. So I never in a million years thought I would actually homeschool my kids. But, since having Mateo in our lives, every single aspect of parenting, kids, and life has been challenged and redefined. So it really should be no surprise to me that my educational choices would be unconventional too. It goes right along with the rest of my parenting!

The idea started when I began thinking about future-Mateo. Future Mateo in school. School as an institution, public, private, good town, bad town, is about sitting relatively still for hours at a time at a desk with at least 15 other kids in the classroom listening to the teacher or doing worksheets. I just can not foresee Mateo being able to learn that way. I was barely able to learn that way and I don't have nearly as many learning problems as Mateo does. I know we're still a couple years off. And I don't know how kindergarten works nowadays, but I do know my son. A year and a half ago I knew there was something "off" in his brain chemistry. And I was right. Now I know that he will not succeed in a traditional school setting. He may survive, he may get by, but will he learn? Or will he slip through the cracks? Or maybe he'll be so disruptive he won't be able to stay in regular school. And there's no way I'll agree to send him to a therapeutic school. I've worked in two of them and I know there's a time and a place for this type of setting, but not for my kid! And I'll just leave it at that.

So, knowing Mateo as I do, and knowing that he's spent his whole time with us developing at HIS own pace, not able to be force-fed knowledge or skills at any time, has helped solidify my decision. Walking, talking, potty training (still waiting for that one!) has all been in his own timing. Actually, when we've tried to teach him something against his will, or pushed a skill when he wasn't ready, he bucked the system and resisted more! And his timeline does not match up with most kids in the school system. And you know what? I'm finally okay with that. If I pull him out of school, it doesn't really matter if he knows his colors right now or not. Maybe one day we'll pick up a prism at the science store and he'll be interested enough to learn about colors. Maybe not. Maybe he doesn't really care about colors for the next two years. Doesn't matter. He'll learn them eventually, and it won't be forced so it will probably happen faster and he'll retain the information longer. At least that's the theory.


How it will work:

Well, I suppose we'll find that out as we go. Even though preschool is really all about playing, it's not super-structured like grade school, and he seems to have fun, I'm going to start when we move in April. Mostly because we need a trial time and doing it during preschool seems pretty low-risk. In our new house, we'll have a big room devoted just for playing and learning. I'm already plotting out what I want the room to be like, and what materials I want to have available. I think what we'll do is provide the materials for learning and exploring and encourage him when he's ready to do it. And we'll learn and grow together being keyed-in to his interests. For instance; trains. He is really into trains right now (what 3 year old little boy isn't?) So, here are all the things we can do having to do with trains. We can visit a train, read about trains, play with trains, take apart a toy electric train, ride a train, visit the train museum, walk along train tracks, pretend to be a conductor, write a story about trains, build a model train, study a map of where trains travel, and watch movies about trains. We'll be learning about schedules and time, about ticket pricing and money, about types of trains, how trains run, mechanics, engineering, geography, computer skills, and practicing reading and writing. If he's tired of trains before we finish, no big deal, we can learn the same skills in a variety of ways.

Now don't worry. I'm not going into this blindly. I've looked up the statistics on success rate of homeschoolers and unschoolers in college and work life, and for the most part they are either similar to public schooled kids or more successful. I still have to work part-time, so some of our learning will happen on the weekends, which will be awesome because Dave can be involved and teach him things that I can't. Mateo has learned how to screw and unscrew, hammer a nail, and he already knows the difference between a screw, a bolt, a nut, and a bit. We didn't even teach him that! So he doesn't know his colors, BUT he knows how change the batteries in all his toys.

I truly believe unschooling will work for our family. I can adapt to Mateo's needs at the time; whether he needs a sensory break, calming time reading a book, an mid-day nap, or some physical activity outside. I can give him what school can't. I think. We'll find out and I'll keep you posted as I go. If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free as always!

Mateo screwing the bottom for our lazy-susan into our cabinet

What We May Be Doing Right

I don't actually credit myself with much while parenting Mateo, but one thing I'll say for myself is that we seem to have figured out one strategy that's helped. I'll tell you what it is but you have to promise not to say, "Duh!" to me, okay? Okay.

We learned to lower our expectations to start. I don't expect Mateo to do what I say, when I say it. Especially without a little resistance at first. But I find if I repeat what I want and give him a little time, he usually does it. We have to treat him a little more delicately and with a little more flexibility and sensitivity. And it really does help him, and us, not having the pressure to be "normal", but to just be who we are at the time we're in. And when I stop trying to conform to what society expects of Mateo or our family, we all do much better.

The continuation of our "schedule" is coming up next. And I have some new photos to post.

Daily Schedule My A**!

I've read on a couple different blogs now, a daily schedule for the children, mostly related to homeschooling. But as I was reading, I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of it all. So I've written my own parallel schedule of my day with Mateo. I'm just mentioning Mateo in this schedule, since he's the funny one. Keep in mind, this is a bad day. He does have days that go better than this. But I thought I'd show the full realm of how bad it could be.

6:30 am - Mateo comes in Mommy's bedroom, I put him back in his. 1st attempt at wake up time.

7:00 am - 2nd attempt at wake up time.

7:24 am - 3rd attempt at wake up time. I finally give in and drag my butt out of bed.

7:25 am- Mateo demands in an increasingly loud voice that he would like breakfast ASAP. As in now!

7:27 - Mateo eats oatmeal. I try to get a bra and some deodorant on.

7:30 - Mateo demands more breakfast. Mommy says wait (still working on the bra step) and Mateo screams.

7:31 - Mommy tells Mateo he can have more breakfast when he asks nicely.

7:32 - Mateo throws his spoon across the room.

Let's just skip ahead a little...

7:55 - Breakfast is done. Noggin is on TV. Mateo is playing with cars. Mommy starts count down for Mateo to get dressed.

8:00 - Warning #1

8:05 - Warning #2

8:06 - Warning #3

8:07 - Mommy tells Mateo it's time to get dressed. Mateo runs away.

8:09 - Mommy chases Mateo then proceeds to wrestle him into his clothes using various threats and bribes.

8:30 - Play time!

8:32 - Mateo whines for juice and to eat again.

8:33- Mommy asks Mateo to wait until snack time for juice and to eat, Mateo begins explosive tantrum.

8:34 - Mommy contemplates the pros and cons of giving in to juice and a snack or holding my ground for him to wait until later. Mommy makes decision to negotiate.

8:36 - Mommy asks Mateo if he would like some water or milk now while waiting until snack time. Mateo doesn't negotiate, cue larger tantrum.

9:00 - After numerous attempts at distraction, negotiation, and calming techniques, Mateo has hit/bit/scratched/thrown toy/etc. and ended up in a time-out.

9:15 - After Mateo stops calling names, spitting, and screaming at the top of his lungs in time-out, he apologizes to Mommy and is let free.

9:17 - Mateo asks for juice and to eat. Mommy sighs, looks at the clock, and realizes it's snack time anyway.

9:20 - Snack. Mommy attempts to get dressed, brush teeth, contacts in, etc. Then discovers Mateo has fingerpainting/mashed/squished his snack on himself, the table, and the floor.

9:30 - Snack time over.

9:32 - Mommy collapses on the couch after realizing it's only 9:30 in the morning.

9:40 - We decide (meaning Mateo) to go outside and play. Commence act of putting on shoes.

10:05 - We finally go outside.

10:15 - Mateo's powerwheels truck is not charged (Mommy silently curses Daddy for that one), Mateo flips out. He calls the truck "stupid" multiple times, then flips it over upside down.

10:20 - We go inside because Mateo just can't get over it. Use TV as a distraction until we can move on.

10:45 - Mommy suggests play-dough. This goes well.

11:00 - Until Mateo wants something specific to work with the play-dough that just doesn't and he gets frustrated.

11:10 - Play-dough away with much drama.

11:30 - Lunch! Mateo eats exactly nothing, even though he states he is hungry over and over.

To be continued...

The Trials of Loving Mateo

First of all, sorry this is long. But I had to write it. We are at the point now in our parenting journey with Mateo where we've tried every technique and strategy we've thought of, read, or someone told us to do, and have had no lasting real results or change. I've blamed myself, evaluated my parenting strengths and weaknesses, asked others to evaluate my parenting, and blamed myself some more.

We started off being consistent parents with high standards. But after parenting Mateo for almost two years, the term "picking your battles" has taken on a new meaning. Because everything is a battle. And our standards have dropped, in some ways. Because honestly, who has the energy to make a battle out of everything? So we let a lot of things go. And let me remind you, this is after two years of really trying to change behavior. Because if we choose the battle, we know we're in it for the long haul. Which could mean five minutes or it could mean more than an hour. And the battle could include spitting, scratching, hitting, tantruming, throwing things, calling names, knocking things over, and so on. So you have to ask yourself, a) do I have the time to fight this battle right now b) do I have the energy to fight this battle and c) do I have the patience not to get the sudden urge to get in the car and drive as far away from here as possible?

I'm positive that it wouldn't matter what parents Mateo had, he would still be Mateo, and still struggling like he is now. So I quit blaming myself. Although I have my doubts if I'm doing the right thing, I'm convinced that it's not my fault. Even spoiled children don't have the same issues Mateo does.

So, to other people who don't know us well, don't know our journey, or how far we've come, it would seem as if we're spoiling him and creating this monster. I know that if I was on the outside I would think the same thing. It's true we choose to ignore a lot but unless we want our entire existence to be centered around time-outs and behavior management plans, we just have to. That, and we're tired. So tired. Sometimes I just can not think of a thing to do except cover my head with my hands and cry. It sounds terrible, I know. Sometimes it is that terrible. And sometimes it's not. Some days are really great. But inevitably, after a good day, or a few good days, things go back to "normal". It's funny. I used to think that the good days were normal and the bad days weren't.

Now that he's three, and this has been going on for almost two years, I'm fearful. I know you are probably thinking, he's only three. Three year olds are always difficult, don't label him yet, there's time to change, and all that. But it's hard not to think of the future. Just watching Mateo's inability to cope with anything makes me genuinely worried. Any emotion, feeling, problem, frustration, he just can't cope. You can't get very far in life without the ability to cope. And I don't mean after a long time of trying he loses it. Mateo doesn't wind up to being upset. His switch comes on in seconds. Literally seconds and he's gone off the deep end. And I can't get him back for a while. And usually the problems or frustrations come one after another, over and over, to the point that he's miserable and I'm miserable for an entire afternoon. And he may never recover fully until there's some big change. Either a nap, or going for a ride somewhere, or maybe putting a movie in. It isn't my favorite thing to do as a parent but I do rely on the TV a lot. I never thought I would be that kind of parent. But then again, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do, that I have.

Lately I've been feeling very sad for Mateo. No kid should have the troubles he has. A kid should just be a kid. They should be happy and carefree, not miserable because of the tiniest little things. I really hope this isn't his whole childhood. I hope for his sake (and mine, I suppose) he can stabilize a bit. For now, we really can't follow through much with consequences. Most of the time all we can do is help (or wait for) Mateo to calm down so we can move on. We do make him use his words if he's been screaming. And we do make him apologize if he's hurt someone, physically or by calling names. But he still does it, all the time.

The two main reactions I have when talking to people about Mateo are judgment and disbelief. People will run down the list. Have you tried this... or maybe if you do that .... or he just needs...whatever. If the solution was so easy, don't you think two intelligent, resourceful people such as ourselves would have tried it? And we have. We've read so many books, I've attended so many parenting/adoption/behavior workshops, we've talked to so many professionals. But I have yet to find a strategy that a) works and b) is practical for real life. And other people, who haven't seen this side of Mateo (although it is becoming more apparent and he is losing the ability to hold it together for long) stare at me in shock and horror. Who? Mateo? No way! He's so good. All (enter age) year olds are like that. And then I feel like an idiot who's making a big deal out of normal kid things. So I either stop telling people about it or, if I really want to or need to, I tell them how he put a hole in our wall (which he did). That usually helps them believe me.

Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on the positive. This, of course, also relates to what kind of day we've had. Has he been on a really good streak, where he's listening well, behaving appropriately, etc? Or has it been a really bad day (or few days) where he is all of things I wrote above? This will determine my reaction to other people. But most of the time, I feel like he's a handful. A big handful. And when people see him in public or at church Sunday School when he is behaving well (not saying he usually behaves well in public) they comment on how good he is, or cute, or smart, or whatever. And I usually think to myself, yeah right, you should've seen him this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Of course we all have those moments with our kids. Strangers or acquaintances see this angelic child all dressed up in cute clothes and an innocent grin when you could have torn the little devil's head off just a few moments before. That's normal. But with Mateo, it's very hard for me to agree that, yes, he is a good boy. Not because I think he is bad. But....we struggle. And when I'm having a particularly hard day, I literally have to think of all the wonderful, funny, cute, and loving things about him, just to keep the negative thoughts away. Of course, I'll always be his mom. And I'll always feel like his mom. I have very strong maternal instincts. Even when I don't particularly like him at one time or another, I'll always be there to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. Maybe that's the only thing I can do for him. Maybe I can't change anything but just love him through it. Maybe that's something another family couldn't do and that's why he's come to us.

Anyway, there it is. Typing all of this out has helped me process all my feelings. Maybe some of you are dealing with the same types of problems, feelings, whatever, and now you know you're not alone. I don't really know. Maybe this was a post just for me and that's all. Either way, I hope you'll keep your comments positive. I already feel self-conscious of my parenting. I don't need anymore judgment.

Does Anyone Else's Kid Do This?

My child has no patience. And I know that's pretty typical for a two year old, but I mean no patience. Like, if he wants something to eat, and I'm in the middle of something and can't get it right away, he just freaks out. He jumps up and down, screams, shakes the chairs in the kitchen, and sometimes even hits me. It doesn't matter what I say, he will continue until he is sitting in his seat with food in front of him. I feel like he should be able to wait for a moment or two without having a hissy fit.

So I've begun to to tell him he needs to wait patiently with no screaming or whining and then he can have the item. Usually this results in him having to go to his room because he just can't wait. I put him in the room and tell him that screaming hurts my ears and when he's calm he can wait patiently for the juice/food/toy and I will give it to him. Eventually he will calm down and I make him ask for it nicely, but it is always a big project! Anybody else have this problem? Is this normal for the age? Are my expectations too high? I feel like he should be able to do this because I know he behaves well for babysitters and at daycare. Any ideas?

In Conclusion

Okay, so we are nearing the end of our story of Mateo's adoption. About 9 months after he came to us, things began turning for the better. Ironically, that's also when we finalized the adoption. On May 23, 2008, we legally adopted Mateo. It was around this time that he stopped his extreme rages, tantrums, and aggression.

I wish I could say everything is perfect, but that is not the reality. Mateo still has some self-control and impulse issues. He has very little tolerance for being out of his routine, being hungry, overwhelmed, or over-tired. He has quite a temper and gets frustrated easily. This interrupts his development because he doesn't have the ability to problem solve through situations. He still hits and scratches when he's mad, this problem goes along with the self-control issue. But he responds well to time-outs and we continue to work on this. Mateo also becomes overstimulated easily and then he gets very hyper, loud, and rough. We have to use a lot of calming down techniques when he gets this way. And we always have to be conscious of the volume of our voice and emotions. He also has a significant speech delay, partly to do with the cleft/lip but not entirely.

But the difference between parenting him now versus just a few months ago is amazing. And it just gets better and better as time goes on. I can take him out in public and not feel like I have to explain why he is acting a certain way. Our attachment is that of a normal parent and toddler. We are most definitely his mom and dad and he loves us!

But Mateo is also very sensitive to loss and sometimes overreacts to certain situations that trigger some memory or negative feeling. I can't always pinpoint what it is or why, but sometimes I can just tell he's having an emotional purge of something from his past. I wonder if this will always be with him, showing up when normal childhood hurts happen. The loss of a pet. A friend moving away. Changing teachers in school. Will this elicit a huge emotional response? Will he wonder if we're gonna leave him too? I guess we'll see.

In a way, I envy other parents for being able to bond with their child so easily and naturally. Especially since I feel like we had to go through hell to get what other parents have for free. But in another way, I am glad we had to fight for his love and trust. It makes our bond stronger because it wasn't given freely. The fact that we did go through hell proves to Mateo the commitment and unconditional love we have for him. And we all know that we can handle anything he throws our way. And that is actually a comforting thought.

I am falling in love with him more and more everyday. Now when people ask me if I love being a mom, I can answer truthfully, yes!

Tomorrow I'll post another video. And for the rest of November, since it's still National Adoption Month, I am going to promote adoption through foster care. I'll give more information about it and how you can become involved. After November my blog will go back to it's original intent of being a place to vent the frustrations and humors of being a parent.

Pictures from Adoption Day!

Anger Part II

If you've just started reading my blog, I am in the middle of telling our adoption story about our son, Mateo. If you'd like to read from the beginning, go to the archives and read from "Let's Start at the Very Beginning". If you missed my last post because of the election drama, it's called "Stage 3 - Anger" and is just before the "Race" post.

So, here's where we left off. Mateo was very angry and was directing that at us with hitting, kicking, scratching, throwing toys, destroying his room, etc. The guest speakers from the Attachment Institute of New England told me I look stressed and resentful and that I needed to get some help. In shock from their astute assessment, I decided that maybe it is time to get some professional help. So I called a variety of agencies and services to find out what my options were. And I have to say, two women I spoke with from two agencies were just wonderful. They didn't know me. They didn't owe me anything. But they gave their time to listen to my story over the phone, offer their advice from their own adoption experience, they gave me several book and website recommendations, and they also gave me a couple phone numbers of adoption specific counseling. The very next day I called "Dr. Gray" for an appointment as quick as possible.

Dr.Gray was awesome! She helped me to see things from Mateo's disturbed little point of view. She encouraged me to be consistent even when things didn't seem to be working. She helped me sort through my own feelings and reactions to what was going on with Mateo and the adjustment of becoming a mother in such a challenging way. We also set up a plan for how to address the aggression in a neutral way as not to inflame the situation but apply some discipline as well. This involved a lot of empathy and patience, in which I had to regroup and make a new commitment to. I also had to schedule more breaks, date nights, and time off for myself. My husband was very supportive of this and agreed to take over on the weeknights for me. We also came up with a strategy to deal with specific behavior problems. Some of that included more cuddle time for calming down and time-out in a pack and play where he can be safe but away from the situation. And we stuck with this enough to make a difference in his behavior and his relationship with us.

Coming up next....what Mateo is like now and what we expect for the future. And I'll post both of our videos I made about our story. Tear jerkers for sure so come with tissues!

....to be continued....

Stage 3 - Anger

For any of you who are new readers, I am finally writing our adoption story from beginning to, well, whenever I feel like it I guess. If you'd like to catch up from the beginning, go to the archives and click on the post called "Let's start at the very beginning". Thanks.

While I'm calling our experience stages, I am not a psychologist or an expert by any means so take this all with a grain of salt. I'm just writing about our experience. And also, we had about a week of a honeymoon period, but from what I've heard others say, this stage can range in time from a few days until a year or more. I believe every experience in adoption is different and unique per child and family, including the length of the stages (which I made up, so, again, there is no credibility here).

So the next "stage" we experienced was anger. This was mostly directed at us but also at the dog, furniture, and most of the toys. I'm guessing, correct me if I'm wrong any of you psychology people out there, that this anger is because of the injustice done to him and he needed to express his disapproval of it. That may be, but it was sure hard to live with! Anytime, and I mean any time, Mateo didn't get his way, he would tantrum and rage on and on and on. And he was a persistent little bugger. But his tantrums were not typical toddler tantrums, instead of kicking and screaming on the floor, he would run at me full speed and attack. Hitting, scratching, punching, kicking, thank God he never figured out about biting. If he couldn't get at me he would hit the dog, if he couldn't get the dog, he would bite and throw his toys. And I don't mean a little toss of a block or lego, I mean picking up the largest toy he could find and chucking it across the room or sometimes at my head. He meant business!

So we did what every parent does and tried the time-out method. For those of you out there that are spanking advocates, sorry, but that just wasn't gonna work in our family. Not only do I not believe it is the most effective approach for typical kids, but it certainly would have done more harm than good in our circumstance. But, I don't judge others for using it as long as it doesn't cross the line into abuse. So, per Super Nanny, we started the time-outs. This seemed to backfire. We would sit him down, he would get up, we would sit him down, he would get up, lather, rinse, repeat, until he realized that if he got up we would come to him and he could get a good swing at us. Do you see how this was counter-productive? We were putting him in time-out for hitting only to give him more opportunites to hit us. We also noticed our bond was suffering during this process. The more we got angry at him and tried to "punish" the behavior, the more his bond drifted away from us.

Then I read on an adoption forum that time-in's were an effective way of disciplining unwanted behavior without breaking the process of attachment. This was our new strategy. We focused on the aggressive behavior because we felt that was the most important, and every time he hit or threw something at us, we sat him on our lap for a one minute time-out. The whole time we would say to him something like, "we love you very much but we can't let you hit us, we will keep you safe." As we used this more and more, we noticed the aggressive behavior began to decrease and our bond began to strengthen again. This was really the first time we saw a lot of progress!

I wish I could say that everything was better after that and he didn't have the hitting problem anymore. But one thing we are learning about Mateo, he works in cycles, and behavior tends to come back around eventually. After seeing improvement with the time-in's, we thought we were over the hump. He was still very persistent and would cry and cry and cry for something for hours if he couldn't get his way.

However, just a short while later, the anger was back. And again, mostly directed at Dave and I, and especially me since I was home with him more. This time the time-in's were not working. He would escalate until he was so worked up that it took me having to restrain him in order to keep him from hurting me. We were both getting frustrated and nothing was getting better. It just seemed as if Mateo could not calm himself down when he was near me. He would just keep attacking me over and over no matter what I did. But once I gave him space away from me, he would calm down very quickly. So we put a baby gate in the doorway to his room and that was the new area for him to calm down or have a time-out. For a while this worked. He just stood at the gate until the one minute was over. But after some time he started to protest being put in his room. So he would do anything he could to make us mad while being in his room. He would throw things over the gate at us, like shoes and clothing and books. He would pull all the covers off his bed and open his bookcase drawer to slam it closed over and over. He would bang on the walls and kick the door. Anything he could do to draw attention to himself. This aggravated me to no end! I needed help but didn't know where to go.

Sadly it got to the point where I couldn't remember any of the good things that I liked about my son. When people would say, "don't you just love being a mom?" It was all I could do to force a smile and nod when in my heart, I felt like a big fake. I didn't love being a mom. Being a mom was ruining my life! I was so jealous watching other families interact. The children behaved well and seemed to love their parents. Why wouldn't my son do that? What was I doing wrong? Every day I woke up and told myself that today would be a better day. I would be more patient and loving, I would handle everything perfectly and in doing so, Mateo would be better too. But I didn't know that this was not something I could control. And that's the hardest thing to have to learn. You can not control your child's emotions. I could not make Mateo love me, not even with all the hugs and kisses and patience and understanding in the world! I couldn't fix his hurts either.

What finally happened was that I went to a support group at my local DCF office, where the therapists from The Attachment Institute of New England were speaking. There was a question and answer period where I got the chance to explain the problems with Mateo and get some advice. Well, while they were very smart, the advice they had for me was irrelevant and because of his developmental delays, their solutions wouldn't have worked. But the most powerful thing they did say was, "it's pretty clear by looking at you that YOU NEED HELP!" Wow. That really hit me. Have things gotten that bad that you can tell I'm stressed, frustrated, and angry just by looking at me? I didn't think it was that obvious. It was actually kind of embarrassing cause everyone was looking at me and nodding their heads, while the therapists told me that by not taking care of myself I was actually making things worse for Mateo. I think they could hear the bitterness, resentment, and exhaustion in my voice.

So, help is what I got. And continuing tomorrow (hopefully) I will tell you exactly what that help was and how it worked. And now...I must leave you with three words...

to be continued

(please come back)

Stage 2 - Grieving

I think we left off at having Mateo home about a week. Stage 1 was the honeymoon stage. He was a happy, easy child, then something switched. He became very irritable. He was cranky all the time and started crying a lot. When he would cry I would hold him close to me to comfort him and he hated it! He would literally push me away, wiggle away, and anything he could do to get away from me. But I had to hold him. I had to force him to receive comfort from me so he could start to bond instead of continuing to shut-down. He resisted and fought this. And what's even sadder is that when he was grieving (and I knew that's what he was doing just by looking at his face) he would roll his head back and cry with his eyes closed. Every few minutes he would open them, look at me, then close them and start crying again. You could just tell he was wishing me away. It was awful and it made me feel awful. What kind of horrible person I must be for taking him away from the only person he loved (his first foster mom). Having read many attachment and adoption books, I knew that I had to keep up the fight for his trust and dependence. So even though it felt like torture, I continued to force him to sit on my lap, facing towards me, to rock to sleep or calm down. Most of the time he fought and fought until he did fall asleep. Most of the time I was crying with him. It broke my heart to see my baby in such turmoil. And as a new adoptive parent, all you want is a normal mother-child bond with your baby, but when your child doesn't want that, it's the worse feeling you could have.

So everyday, over and over, Mateo would cry on my lap until he fell asleep. Then we figured out that this was happening about the same time every morning and afternoon. Up to this point we had been following the schedule written by his former foster mom that said he took only one nap at 1pm. Well, it started to become obvious that he needed two naps, one mid-morning and one mid-afternoon. Once we switched this around, it got a little better. Then came the rages. There was the crying and whining with the eyes closed when he was tired or overwhelmed, but also there were long drawn-out rages that lasted hours. Most of the time they would start quickly, die down a bit, then pick back up when something little happened to trigger it. And it would go on and on like this all day. I'll tell you what a rage looks like for a toddler. Screaming, writhing around on the floor, wriggling in my arms, kicking, stiffening his body, screaming louder, and completely unable to be comforted. This was exhausting.

At this point we were full swing into an attachment based routine, which does help, and is vital for any adoption but especially a toddler. I put him in the maya wrap and we went for walks every morning and every afternoon. I also held him in the wrap around the house while I cooked or cleaned and sometimes for no reason at all. I hand fed him with lots of eye contact. We did massage and skin to skin contact with lotions that were calming. We played lots of peek-a-boo games and tickling. We didn't allow friends or family to hold him or feed him. We kept him in the house as much as we could. As I said, I even quit my job so he didn't have to go to daycare. We did everything we could to promote attachment, short of co-sleeping because of several reasons (my husband is an extremely light sleeper and Mateo had breathing problems that made him snore very loudly. It's just not something we could manage, although it is great for attachment.). So we did everything we were supposed to but still the rages were happening on a daily basis.

Mateo was also very unpredictable. I never knew what would trigger him into a giant rage or what would make him laugh and smile. He was also very confusing when we did happen to go out somewhere to play. Sometimes he would cling to me in fear of the new environment and other times he would go up to complete strangers and want to play with them. And most of the time the strangers he liked were men. This made me very self-conscious. Usually it was just Mateo and I that would go out to the park or mall play area because my husband worked during the day and we needed something to do. And Mateo doesn't look anything like me. When he seemed to like strange men more than his own mother, I thought that people would start thinking I kidnapped him. He would pick a specific person that he decided he liked, and he would crawl to that person (always a man) and touch him or put his arms up to be held, then I would go and say something funny and pull Mateo back and distract him. But Mateo would just keep going back over and over and over until we left cause I was embarrassed. I kept thinking to myself, why do you like that person instead of me? I'm your mom! I'm the one who's playing with you and vying for your love every day!

I've got to stop for a minute and recognize the important people in this process. My family, who threw us a baby shower and were very generous to make sure we had everything we could need for him. They were also understanding of our desire not to play "pass the baby" and kept their distance without being offended. My mom especially had read up on attachment issues and how important it is to establish certain boundaries in the beginning and soon had become an attachment advocate educating anyone who would listen and praying for him to become a normal happy little boy. My best friend Devan talked on the phone with me pretty much everyday while I vented and asked millions of questions and worried endlessly and doubted my abilities. Without these people in my life I don't think I could have gotten through all of this, at least not with my sanity in tact (mostly). And my husband was awesome. Not just in bonding and being a daddy to Mateo but also in understanding and supporting me. We found out just how great of a team we really are.

After months of this, I started to think we would never have a normal bond. But he was making progress bit by bit. His rages were getting shorter. For a long time, when I held him on my hip, he would rotate his torso so that his upper body and arms would be facing out and away from me. And he was always very tense, like he couldn't relax in my arms. This started to get a little better, he could relax more. But I just wanted the process to be over! It's so hard to give and give and give and not get anything back, especially when you want it so bad. I just wanted my son to love me, like any parent does. I think it was around Christmas that Mateo started to give hugs and kisses spontaneously. And he also started allowing us to comfort him. Instead of pushing us away when he got hurt, he would nuzzle into our shoulder or chest just like a normal kid does. Can you believe it took that long for just a simple thing every other child does naturally? These are the little things most parents take for granted, but when Mateo first cuddled into my chest without being forced, it felt like I had won the lottery. It was amazing! Even now when he does it, it just feels so good, knowing how hard we worked for it.

There is so much I could say about all of this, but I want to pause to talk about his development at this point. He was delayed in all areas when he first came to us. I believe that this is because during one of the most important ages for development, he was feeling unstable and unsafe in his environment and therefore could not explore and grow like most kids. Between 9 months to a little over a year is when most kids start walking. They explore with standing and cruising along furniture, testing out their legs and abilities. When they feel confident and secure they begin to walk. Mateo could not do this. He didn't even want to try because he didn't feel confident or secure. This is natural for a child who's experienced a big trauma or change. But based on the note I read from the last pre-adopt family, they were pushing him to walk and learn sign language. Then note said, "he is lazy so you have to make him walk everywhere," meaning by holding his hands since he couldn't by himself yet. So when he came to us he had negative associations with walking. We didn't push it but once in a while we would stand him on his feet and hold his hands to see if he would take some steps. When we did this he would scream on the top of his lungs as if he were in pain. So we stopped pushing him to walk altogether and just let him do it in his own time. Well, that time wasn't until he was almost 18 months. But what a big accomplishment to watch! So all that time he was still crawling around, most kids were learning to run, jump, and climb. He's been behind in his gross motor skills and just recently has caught up substantially. Believe me, the first time he climbed a slide and went down by himself, we about had a party. It's these little things you have to celebrate as an adoptive parent (or parent of a special needs child for that matter).

His language was also delayed, and still is, significantly. We started him in Birth to Three as soon as we could to address this. But he wouldn't and couldn't improve until he felt safe. So that was our primary goal. I felt like there would be plenty of time to catch up on the little things, but feeling safe and loved is the biggest need we have as human beings.

So for several months we lived the grieving stage, which stretched on in some subtle ways, but was mainly over. Up next, the angry and vengeful stage! Stay tuned, this is where things really get fun!

...to be continued...

pumpkin picking - one of our first outings
obviously it didn't go as well as expected

one of our first cuddling memories
this was Christmas Eve right after waking up from nap

Part II of the Beginning

Here's where we left off....Monday morning my support worker called to ask if we wanted a 14 month boy for a pre-adopt placement that was low legal risk, meaning the social worker was pretty sure we would be able to adopt him. After saying yes, yes, yes, and hanging up with the social worker, I called Dave to tell him to get home now cause we had some shopping to do. Then I called my mom and said, "are you ready to be a grandma?" To which she replied "heck no", but didn't really have a choice. She made plans to come up that week to visit and made me promise to email pictures as soon as he gets in the door. Funny how I remember every detail of these first moments. Then I attempted to call my best friend in IN about 50 times, but she was otherwise occupied doing something far less important than talking to me about becoming a parent in two days. And she continued to do whatever she was doing, I don't know, working or something (I know, how dare she, right?) for, like, the next 4 hours. Way to be a friend Devan, you're supposed to be available for me all the time! Eventually she called me back while we were shopping and was in total shock about everything happening so fast. She also made plans to visit, which required flying from several states away so I guess she's an okay friend. I also called my work, where I was a contracting as a massage therapist, and told them I would be taking a couple weeks off. Well, a couple weeks turned into a couple months which turned into quitting my job. Sidenote: now I work part-time as a recruiter for foster and adoptive parents so it worked out for the best.

Dave came home from work early and we went to Target, Walmart, Babies 'R Us, Toys 'R Us, and anywhere else we could drop about a grand on baby stuff. I've never been so happy to buy diapers (that faded quickly). I think I was on a high that I'll never experience again. Of course, it will be similar with our second child but we'll have a bit of a distraction with Mateo. Then we looked at about fifty thousand baby names. Of course we had a running list of names we liked previously to hearing about our son, but none of them seemed to fit a puerto rican african american little boy. After spending hours upon hours looking at all sorts of hispanic names, we narrowed it down to two. Gabriel and Mateo. We picked Mateo (despite some second guesses due to my sudden realization that Mateo sounds a lot like potato) because we liked the nickname "Te" and also because it means "gift from God" in some weird way having to do with early Latin translation of the root word of something or other.

There were a couple reasons we decided to change his name. One, because he was never called his birth name, Aurelio. He had been called a different name in each foster placement. Two, the name given to him was his birth mother's boyfriend at the time, who DNA testing later revealed was not his birth father, so there wasn't much significance there. And three, Aurelio would have been hard for other kids and people to pronounce. But we did keep it as his middle name.

So, we decided on a name and then....we waited. For 48 hours to be exact. We didn't sleep Monday or Tuesday night. On Tuesday, Mateo's social worker, who is a very pleasant woman and completely in love with Mateo, came over to the house to show us his file and picture and tell us all about him. I don't think I stopped smiling the entire night. We tried to enjoy the last moment's we had as just us, but we couldn't stop talking or thinking about our son. Wednesday afternoon could not come soon enough.

And of course, the social worker was late bringing him over. I sat on the front stairs wondering out loud what was going on, how could she be late, what if something happened, what if the other family wouldn't give him to her, and generally driving Dave crazy right up to the moment when she pulled into the driveway. When she opened the car door and said, "Come meet your son," I almost lost it, but pulled myself together as not to create a scary crying lady first impression on my son.

I can vividly remember my first glance at my son and what he felt like to hold, and now I'm starting crying thinking about it. He was tiny, that's all I could think about at first. He was about the size of a 10 month old. He had a big smile but I noticed the scar a lot because I wasn't used to it. His skin was beautiful, he had all ten fingers and toes, and soft curly brown hair. He wasn't shy, he came right to me when the social worker took him out of the car. He felt so light, like carrying a doll. I just wanted to hug him and squeeze him and love him. But at the same time, it was kind of weird that this lady was handing me a complete stranger that I was supposed to love and take care of forever. It's much different than giving birth. Mateo already had an entire year's worth of history and personality that we had to get to know. And, of course, the big fact that I was now the 4th mother Mateo had in his 14 months of life. Something that was going to effect us far more than we thought in that moment.

So, with Mateo in my arms, his social worker said goodbye and drove away leaving us with this little person we have no idea what to do with. He was perfect the first few days and nights. He went to bed early without any problems. He wasn't walking, but could crawl and pull to standing. He couldn't feed himself or say any words, but he was very friendly and social. He made us laugh and seemed like a perfect, happy little boy, and we couldn't understand why anyone would give him back. Well, little did we know in those innocent moments, what monster lay beneath the surface (so to speak, although I still call him my little monster, but mostly cause he's really loud.).

Dave and I didn't sleep the first week. This is what the first few nights sounded like.

Do you think he's still alive?

What?

Like, you don't think he could've just stopped breathing or something, right?

I don't know. Does that happen?

All the time. I read it in a magazine.

Well, turn the monitor up. See? He's snoring. I think it's okay.

But I wanna play with him.

Good point. Let's wake him up.

For the first few weeks I was literally running on adrenaline and caffeine. All I can say is thank God for Dunkin Donuts coffee coolattas. I may have single-handedly financed the new bathroom renovations at my local Dunkin Donuts solely on coffee purchases made by my husband and I. Actually, one of the first things Mateo communicated was the understanding that the Dunkin Donuts logo meant munchkins. I never realized a child so young could spot every Dunkin Donuts store anywhere we drove, whether he had been there or not.

After putting him to bed the first night, we sent an email out to all our friends and family with 3 pictures attached. We avoided taking Mateo out to meet people or having people at the house because we needed to bond with him and also assure him we were his parents so he could begin to trust and depend on us. This, as it turns out, was a difficult process. But I had an appointment for a bridal party that I promised I would do on Friday morning because they couldn't get anyone to cover. So my mom came to stay with Mateo for a couple hours while I went into work. I was so so upset about this. Mateo was a pleasant child but not affectionate or cuddly at all. He didn't want to be held or hugged and would make sure to face outward when we carried him. I'll talk more about this and other attachment issues in my next post. But when my mom came over, he got very clingy to me. He laid his head on my chest for the first time and held onto my shirt with his hands like a little monkey. He didn't look scared because he smiled at my mom, he just didn't want the one person he was getting to know to leave. But what he must have been thinking and feeling at that time just breaks my heart. My mom was almost crying watching me with him. I didn't want to leave him. Not even just for a couple hours. My mom assured me that he wouldn't remember and it wouldn't ruin every chance of attachment we had and that he would be napping most of the time anyway. He didn't even cry or anything when I left. Even still, I cried like a baby the whole ride to work. Just knowing my poor baby had his world turned upside down and now I was supposed to be his new mom and I was leaving him already. That was the first time I cried for my son.

I think at this time, we knew there would be a tough adjustment period for Mateo and us to deal with. But we definitely didn't know the long, long journey that lay ahead of us. And things would begin to change the very next week.

....to be continued....

I feel so bad for my little guy when I look at these photos and think
about what he must have been feeling

first photo with Mommy (first morning with us)

first photo with Daddy (first evening with us)

Let's Start at the Very Beginning

I knew I wanted to adopt, for as long as I can remember. Our son was born in June 2006, we didn't even know it. Ironically we took our first step toward adoption exactly one month later by attending an open house presented by the department of children and families (known as DCF). Mateo was losing his first mother and we were filling out applications. Mateo was in the NICU recovering from complications and we were getting excited about the possibilities for our family.

Mateo entered his first foster home shortly after birth and stayed with this loving older woman for one year. Dave and I began taking the mandatory training classes with DCF and becoming licensed for a pre-adopt placement of a child (boy or girl) ages 0-3. Mateo was definitely born with his own unique personality. His first foster mother tells me he was always an anxious baby, preferring to meet his milestones on his own terms and often later than most his age. But he was happy in this first foster home. He had his first surgery to correct his cleft lip when he was 3 months old. His second surgery to repair the palate was at 9 months. At this time DCF knew that his case would be going toward termination and so they began looking for a pre-adoptive family for him. They chose the "Smith's".

This is when Mateo lost his second mom, right around his first birthday. The Smith's had an older adopted child and they ran a family farm. Mateo needed a lot of attention. He was grieving the loss of his foster mom and needed lots of patience and understanding. But they wouldn't change their lives to meet his needs. He wasn't doing well in this family and they were becoming frustrated with him. My son was so young and fragile but learning too quickly the world is unsafe and unreliable. He was sad, lonely, and shut-down. At the same time, we were painting a bedroom, setting up a crib, and buying stuffed animals to decorate. We had no idea the trials our son was facing.

The Smith's kept Mateo for 2.5 months and then called the social worker to have him removed. Their reason...he cried too much. So DCF called for an emergency meeting to find the next pre-adoptive family for him. I got a phone call about this meeting from my support worker but was told it hadn't been decided yet which family was the right family for Mateo. But we learned a bit about him, like his age (14 months), his medical history, and his name, which was Aurelio (more on the name change later). As soon as I heard about him, I was in love. We had a whole weekend to wait to find out if we were chosen to be his family. Of course, my emotions were like a roller coaster. I tried not to get too attached but couldn't help imagining the possibilities. I also tried to keep this between Dave and I until we knew for sure, but I just couldn't hold it in. I told my best friend and my mom, who were equally as excited.

The social worker called the following week to tell me they picked someone else. I was heartbroken. I tried to pretend that everything was okay, there would be another child for us, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. But we had to move on, so to take our minds off it we bought a brand new expensive couch to replace our old one thinking it would be a long wait until we had a child. Ironically, the very day after purchasing our couch, my support worker called and said exactly these words, "how would you like a baby on Wednesday?" Today was Monday. I didn't ask any questions, I just said "yes!" It was our little boy from the previous weekend. He was meant to be ours after all! The family they had chosen before us had recently moved and their new home wasn't licensed yet. We were the runner up. I should probably have been offended we were only 2nd place but I didn't even care. We had a little boy! And he was coming in two days....

Emergency trip to Babies 'R Us!!!!

First time we saw our son, a photo from his social worker
I can remember an overwhelming feeling of peace
coming over me when I saw his picture,
that he was mine and I would love him



....to be continued....