Every once in a while I read a Parenting magazine. Usually when I'm bored, or when Maya is looking for information on the newest fashion trends. (Side note: What is with everyone stealing my name? I'm totally pissed cause I thought Maya was at least a little bit off the radar for baby names. I mean, it's not on the top 10 list or anything. But I swear, everyone and their mother is naming their babies Maya right now. I'm so pissed. I would change my mind, since nothing's official yet, but I do so love the name.) Okay, now that I got that off my chest, I can move on.
Parenting magazines! I was browsing through one the other day, trying to make it look muy importante and dire so my husband would entertain the kids for a while, and I realized there is some pretty God-awful advice in there. For example....
In an article about how to get your picky eaters to eat healthy foods, they make some suggestions. Now we all either have had a picky eater, have a picky eater, or know a picky eater. Actually, let me rephrase that. Parents, you have a kid that eats right? Well, according to some Parents magazine editor, these are some solutions to your picky eater problem.
1. Cut up squash and zucchini with a basil pesto dip. Would your two year old say, "Oh yes, mother, could I get a carrot and flaxseed smoothie as well? I really need the antioxidants today."? Hell no! Cause they're normal. Well, I shouldn't assume anything of my readers. Some of you I know and I figure to be pretty normal. But in all seriousness, basil pesto dip? I don't even know what that is! I slather all Mateo's vegetables in butter and salt and he still doesn't eat them. But, hey, maybe a basil pesto dip is just the zest he needs.
2. Rent Ratoiutiuilleee (that's how you spell it right?) and serve homemade ratuoiltooellieee with a side of breaded tofu triangles. Okay, if you've ever had ratouioooeey, you know that it has some pretty strong, sophisticated flavors. I don't know any kid that would eat it unless they've been force fed it since birth. Perhaps if I start the baby on it now, by the time she's in preschool she'll be begging for ratootuiollelleeey with her zucchini and pesto dip.
This editor obviously doesn't have children. Or maybe her nanny does all the cooking and she doesn't know that her kids are living off of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and drive-thru french fries just like every other red-blooded American child.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My Little Gymnast.....Or Not.
So Mateo seems to have a natural ability towards gymnastic-type moves. He can do a cartwheel and a split, which he learned on his own. And of course, he is very energetic. So I thought signing him up for a little gymnastics class would be good for him as an outlet and to harness some of his energy into something productive. So we signed up for a trial week that meets everyday this week for an hour in the morning. It was pretty cheap and I thought it would give me a good idea about his ability.
We lasted a class and a half. And now our gymnastic career is over. At least for another year or so. Who knows? This kid is so set on doing his own thing he just couldn't function in the class. I don't know if it's so much that he can't or that he won't. Yesterday was his first day and he was very enthusiastic about all the activities. The problem was that he had trouble waiting his turn and his attention span got the better of him. This is what the class sounded like.
"Mateo. Mateo, no. Come here. Over here Mateo. Mateo, come sit right here."
The whole time. More so than all the other kids combined. And the instructors said specifically they didn't want the parents to intervene because they want the children to learn to listen to the teachers. So I didn't intervene. But I couldn't help but feel like my kid was ruining their class, and probably driving them crazy. But Mateo was really great at the activities. It's hard to believe he ever had a gross motor delay. Aside from some balance issues, he was really good at everything. After the class I was excited about his potential. I also thought he would only get better as the week went on and he learned the structure of the program.
Well, today we left early. And we don't plan on going back. He didn't get better. He got significantly worse. I decided it's just not worth it if I'm going to have to chase him around the gym telling him to listen to the teacher the whole time. So we're gonna wait another year or so and try again.
But it was fun to watch him when he was doing the activities. The rest of the time was pretty funny. The whole class would be sitting on a mat getting ready for the next activity and there's Mateo about 20 feet away rolling around on the mat, or hopping around like a frog. That didn't bother me so much, it was kind of cute. But when he kept using the other equipment he wasn't supposed to, or taking another child's turn and being disruptive, that's when I had to intervene. And the fact that he wasn't listening to me or the teachers, just wasn't okay. So we left. And he didn't seem to care. He just wanted his juice box I promised him after class.
I'll post some videos I took as soon as I get a chance.
We lasted a class and a half. And now our gymnastic career is over. At least for another year or so. Who knows? This kid is so set on doing his own thing he just couldn't function in the class. I don't know if it's so much that he can't or that he won't. Yesterday was his first day and he was very enthusiastic about all the activities. The problem was that he had trouble waiting his turn and his attention span got the better of him. This is what the class sounded like.
"Mateo. Mateo, no. Come here. Over here Mateo. Mateo, come sit right here."
The whole time. More so than all the other kids combined. And the instructors said specifically they didn't want the parents to intervene because they want the children to learn to listen to the teachers. So I didn't intervene. But I couldn't help but feel like my kid was ruining their class, and probably driving them crazy. But Mateo was really great at the activities. It's hard to believe he ever had a gross motor delay. Aside from some balance issues, he was really good at everything. After the class I was excited about his potential. I also thought he would only get better as the week went on and he learned the structure of the program.
Well, today we left early. And we don't plan on going back. He didn't get better. He got significantly worse. I decided it's just not worth it if I'm going to have to chase him around the gym telling him to listen to the teacher the whole time. So we're gonna wait another year or so and try again.
But it was fun to watch him when he was doing the activities. The rest of the time was pretty funny. The whole class would be sitting on a mat getting ready for the next activity and there's Mateo about 20 feet away rolling around on the mat, or hopping around like a frog. That didn't bother me so much, it was kind of cute. But when he kept using the other equipment he wasn't supposed to, or taking another child's turn and being disruptive, that's when I had to intervene. And the fact that he wasn't listening to me or the teachers, just wasn't okay. So we left. And he didn't seem to care. He just wanted his juice box I promised him after class.
I'll post some videos I took as soon as I get a chance.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
What We May Be Doing Right
I don't actually credit myself with much while parenting Mateo, but one thing I'll say for myself is that we seem to have figured out one strategy that's helped. I'll tell you what it is but you have to promise not to say, "Duh!" to me, okay? Okay.
We learned to lower our expectations to start. I don't expect Mateo to do what I say, when I say it. Especially without a little resistance at first. But I find if I repeat what I want and give him a little time, he usually does it. We have to treat him a little more delicately and with a little more flexibility and sensitivity. And it really does help him, and us, not having the pressure to be "normal", but to just be who we are at the time we're in. And when I stop trying to conform to what society expects of Mateo or our family, we all do much better.
The continuation of our "schedule" is coming up next. And I have some new photos to post.
We learned to lower our expectations to start. I don't expect Mateo to do what I say, when I say it. Especially without a little resistance at first. But I find if I repeat what I want and give him a little time, he usually does it. We have to treat him a little more delicately and with a little more flexibility and sensitivity. And it really does help him, and us, not having the pressure to be "normal", but to just be who we are at the time we're in. And when I stop trying to conform to what society expects of Mateo or our family, we all do much better.
The continuation of our "schedule" is coming up next. And I have some new photos to post.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Daily Schedule My A**!
I've read on a couple different blogs now, a daily schedule for the children, mostly related to homeschooling. But as I was reading, I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of it all. So I've written my own parallel schedule of my day with Mateo. I'm just mentioning Mateo in this schedule, since he's the funny one. Keep in mind, this is a bad day. He does have days that go better than this. But I thought I'd show the full realm of how bad it could be.
6:30 am - Mateo comes in Mommy's bedroom, I put him back in his. 1st attempt at wake up time.
7:00 am - 2nd attempt at wake up time.
7:24 am - 3rd attempt at wake up time. I finally give in and drag my butt out of bed.
7:25 am- Mateo demands in an increasingly loud voice that he would like breakfast ASAP. As in now!
7:27 - Mateo eats oatmeal. I try to get a bra and some deodorant on.
7:30 - Mateo demands more breakfast. Mommy says wait (still working on the bra step) and Mateo screams.
7:31 - Mommy tells Mateo he can have more breakfast when he asks nicely.
7:32 - Mateo throws his spoon across the room.
Let's just skip ahead a little...
7:55 - Breakfast is done. Noggin is on TV. Mateo is playing with cars. Mommy starts count down for Mateo to get dressed.
8:00 - Warning #1
8:05 - Warning #2
8:06 - Warning #3
8:07 - Mommy tells Mateo it's time to get dressed. Mateo runs away.
8:09 - Mommy chases Mateo then proceeds to wrestle him into his clothes using various threats and bribes.
8:30 - Play time!
8:32 - Mateo whines for juice and to eat again.
8:33- Mommy asks Mateo to wait until snack time for juice and to eat, Mateo begins explosive tantrum.
8:34 - Mommy contemplates the pros and cons of giving in to juice and a snack or holding my ground for him to wait until later. Mommy makes decision to negotiate.
8:36 - Mommy asks Mateo if he would like some water or milk now while waiting until snack time. Mateo doesn't negotiate, cue larger tantrum.
9:00 - After numerous attempts at distraction, negotiation, and calming techniques, Mateo has hit/bit/scratched/thrown toy/etc. and ended up in a time-out.
9:15 - After Mateo stops calling names, spitting, and screaming at the top of his lungs in time-out, he apologizes to Mommy and is let free.
9:17 - Mateo asks for juice and to eat. Mommy sighs, looks at the clock, and realizes it's snack time anyway.
9:20 - Snack. Mommy attempts to get dressed, brush teeth, contacts in, etc. Then discovers Mateo has fingerpainting/mashed/squished his snack on himself, the table, and the floor.
9:30 - Snack time over.
9:32 - Mommy collapses on the couch after realizing it's only 9:30 in the morning.
9:40 - We decide (meaning Mateo) to go outside and play. Commence act of putting on shoes.
10:05 - We finally go outside.
10:15 - Mateo's powerwheels truck is not charged (Mommy silently curses Daddy for that one), Mateo flips out. He calls the truck "stupid" multiple times, then flips it over upside down.
10:20 - We go inside because Mateo just can't get over it. Use TV as a distraction until we can move on.
10:45 - Mommy suggests play-dough. This goes well.
11:00 - Until Mateo wants something specific to work with the play-dough that just doesn't and he gets frustrated.
11:10 - Play-dough away with much drama.
11:30 - Lunch! Mateo eats exactly nothing, even though he states he is hungry over and over.
To be continued...
6:30 am - Mateo comes in Mommy's bedroom, I put him back in his. 1st attempt at wake up time.
7:00 am - 2nd attempt at wake up time.
7:24 am - 3rd attempt at wake up time. I finally give in and drag my butt out of bed.
7:25 am- Mateo demands in an increasingly loud voice that he would like breakfast ASAP. As in now!
7:27 - Mateo eats oatmeal. I try to get a bra and some deodorant on.
7:30 - Mateo demands more breakfast. Mommy says wait (still working on the bra step) and Mateo screams.
7:31 - Mommy tells Mateo he can have more breakfast when he asks nicely.
7:32 - Mateo throws his spoon across the room.
Let's just skip ahead a little...
7:55 - Breakfast is done. Noggin is on TV. Mateo is playing with cars. Mommy starts count down for Mateo to get dressed.
8:00 - Warning #1
8:05 - Warning #2
8:06 - Warning #3
8:07 - Mommy tells Mateo it's time to get dressed. Mateo runs away.
8:09 - Mommy chases Mateo then proceeds to wrestle him into his clothes using various threats and bribes.
8:30 - Play time!
8:32 - Mateo whines for juice and to eat again.
8:33- Mommy asks Mateo to wait until snack time for juice and to eat, Mateo begins explosive tantrum.
8:34 - Mommy contemplates the pros and cons of giving in to juice and a snack or holding my ground for him to wait until later. Mommy makes decision to negotiate.
8:36 - Mommy asks Mateo if he would like some water or milk now while waiting until snack time. Mateo doesn't negotiate, cue larger tantrum.
9:00 - After numerous attempts at distraction, negotiation, and calming techniques, Mateo has hit/bit/scratched/thrown toy/etc. and ended up in a time-out.
9:15 - After Mateo stops calling names, spitting, and screaming at the top of his lungs in time-out, he apologizes to Mommy and is let free.
9:17 - Mateo asks for juice and to eat. Mommy sighs, looks at the clock, and realizes it's snack time anyway.
9:20 - Snack. Mommy attempts to get dressed, brush teeth, contacts in, etc. Then discovers Mateo has fingerpainting/mashed/squished his snack on himself, the table, and the floor.
9:30 - Snack time over.
9:32 - Mommy collapses on the couch after realizing it's only 9:30 in the morning.
9:40 - We decide (meaning Mateo) to go outside and play. Commence act of putting on shoes.
10:05 - We finally go outside.
10:15 - Mateo's powerwheels truck is not charged (Mommy silently curses Daddy for that one), Mateo flips out. He calls the truck "stupid" multiple times, then flips it over upside down.
10:20 - We go inside because Mateo just can't get over it. Use TV as a distraction until we can move on.
10:45 - Mommy suggests play-dough. This goes well.
11:00 - Until Mateo wants something specific to work with the play-dough that just doesn't and he gets frustrated.
11:10 - Play-dough away with much drama.
11:30 - Lunch! Mateo eats exactly nothing, even though he states he is hungry over and over.
To be continued...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Five Years!
Today my husband and I have been married 5 years. I'm proud to say we are just as in love as the day we said "I do". I'm always amazed at our ability to work as a team. I think the key to our success is our ability to compromise and balance one another. Of course there are times when we are both grumpy and act selfishly. But usually, one of is willing to sacrifice for the others sake. And usually, when one is having a rough day, the other steps up to take the lead. We truly are a great team. And I'm so thankful for him. He is the peanut butter to my jelly. The macaroni to my cheese. The ying to my yang. And I love him!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Things That Make You Say Hmm...
We just got back from a mini-vacay to New Hampshire for some hiking, swimming, shopping, and train rides. And I just wanted to high light a few things that happened that just make me want to say hmm... or, more accurately, why would you do that?!
- Mateo was waiting outside while I changed Maya in the dressing room at the beach and as people walked by, he would whack them with his pool noodle. Hmm...
- While ordering pizza and waiting to collect it and pay, Mateo was walking up and down the line licking the bar that you slide your tray on. Hmm...
- When I went to fill our drinks at the fountain and stock up on napkins and utensils, Mateo emptied the entire contents of the salt and pepper shakers onto the table. Hmm...
- We were outside of the condo enjoying the nice mountain air and Mateo tried to open the door to someone else's condo and when it was locked, he knocked and yelled to open up. Hmm...
I also decided, per this trip, that Mateo may have sugar running through his veins instead of blood. My huband's friend, Terry (who lives in Hawaii and came with us since we don't see him much), tried to tire Mateo out one day. We went on a short hike, almost a mile, to a cascading waterfall where we climbed up a steep hill to swim in some of the pools (it was really cool, I'll post pictures later). Terry and Mateo ran the whole way there. Then he proceeded to climb up the hill, around on the rocks, swim in the water (somewhat because it was really cold) and then climb back down. Then Terry, thinking he would really get him this time, ran Mateo all the way back to the parking lot, one mile. Dave and I took our time walking with the baby (who was on my back) and when we got to the parking lot, there was Terry looking completely amazed, and Mateo, still running, back and forth across the trail. The whole adventure was about two hours and Mateo didn't slow down for a minute. You see? He must have sugar in there or something.
But really, Mateo was SUPER hyper this weekend. One of my theories is that perhaps because we stopped doing the therapeutic listening for the vacation, that had some effect on his ability to be calm. I don't know. Just a theory. I just hope things go back to "normal", meaning periods of extreme hyperactivity and just some hyperactivity in between, instead of extreme hyperactivity ALL DAY LONG. I just don't think I could take it anymore. Well, thank God for daycare.
- Mateo was waiting outside while I changed Maya in the dressing room at the beach and as people walked by, he would whack them with his pool noodle. Hmm...
- While ordering pizza and waiting to collect it and pay, Mateo was walking up and down the line licking the bar that you slide your tray on. Hmm...
- When I went to fill our drinks at the fountain and stock up on napkins and utensils, Mateo emptied the entire contents of the salt and pepper shakers onto the table. Hmm...
- We were outside of the condo enjoying the nice mountain air and Mateo tried to open the door to someone else's condo and when it was locked, he knocked and yelled to open up. Hmm...
I also decided, per this trip, that Mateo may have sugar running through his veins instead of blood. My huband's friend, Terry (who lives in Hawaii and came with us since we don't see him much), tried to tire Mateo out one day. We went on a short hike, almost a mile, to a cascading waterfall where we climbed up a steep hill to swim in some of the pools (it was really cool, I'll post pictures later). Terry and Mateo ran the whole way there. Then he proceeded to climb up the hill, around on the rocks, swim in the water (somewhat because it was really cold) and then climb back down. Then Terry, thinking he would really get him this time, ran Mateo all the way back to the parking lot, one mile. Dave and I took our time walking with the baby (who was on my back) and when we got to the parking lot, there was Terry looking completely amazed, and Mateo, still running, back and forth across the trail. The whole adventure was about two hours and Mateo didn't slow down for a minute. You see? He must have sugar in there or something.
But really, Mateo was SUPER hyper this weekend. One of my theories is that perhaps because we stopped doing the therapeutic listening for the vacation, that had some effect on his ability to be calm. I don't know. Just a theory. I just hope things go back to "normal", meaning periods of extreme hyperactivity and just some hyperactivity in between, instead of extreme hyperactivity ALL DAY LONG. I just don't think I could take it anymore. Well, thank God for daycare.
Thank You!
Thank you everybody who wrote kind words and encouragement when I poured my heart out about Mateo. And thank you to the lurkers who came out to say I'm not alone!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Orphan Movie
I'm sure many of you have heard of the new movie "The Orphan" by Warner Brothers. The adoption community is up in arms over this negative portrayal of orphans and adoption. While I, too, like to focus on the positive side of adoption, I understand it's just a movie and for entertainment purposes. But I like the idea one blogger had to get 500 adoptive family bloggers
to tell their "orphan" story in hopes of flooding the google search with positive stories. So I'm adding mine.
First of all, my kids are not orphans. I know their birthmom and am beginning to have somewhat of a relationship with her. But I interpreted the idea to include adoption stories as well. My son is adopted from the foster care system and my daughter is in the process of being adopted from foster care. My last post included a lot of negative feelings and struggles we're experiencing but this post is going to focus on the positive. Because despite all the frustration and pain, there are heaps and heaps of wonderful memories filled with joy. And most of all, there is love.
I'll be the first to tell you, love just isn't enough to heal, change, or "fix" our children who've suffered great loss and trauma. But it is important. Because we love our son with all our hearts, we are able to accept who he is, who he will become, and stick with him, no matter what. You canread our story from the beginning here. Part 2 is here. Stage 2 - Grieving is here. Stage 3 - Anger is here. And the last part is here.
But now I'm going to tell you my TRUE "orphan" story. Mateo and Maya are the light of our lives. From the first glimpse we saw of Mateo, we've loved him. I still remember one of the first days we had him in our lives. My mom came to visit and Mateo (15 months old at the time but really more like a baby) clung to me like a little baby monkey on his mama. His little hands grabbed onto my shirt as he hid his face in my chest. I had to fight to hold back the tears. I can say, really truly, without a doubt, that I loved that little boy just as much as someone who had just given birth to their baby in a hospital. Even though he looked very different from us, even though he came with his own history and his own personality we didn't know or understand, and even though it took him much longer to love us, we loved him because we knew he was ours. We claimed him from the moment his social worker came to our house with his file and picture. He was meant to be ours, always and forever. He's not old enough to understand adoption and his past right now. But I tell him everyday that he's my favorite boy. And if I ask him, "who's my favorite boy?" he says with great pride, "me!" He makes me laugh everyday. He makes me cry some days. But mostly, we feel like the luckiest people alive. We had to work (hard) for his love and trust, but it was worth it. Hearing his little voice from the backseat of my car everyday when I pick him up from preschool say, "mommy, wha-jew (love you)" makes it worth every drop of sweat and every tear we've shed the last two years. My orphan story has a happy ending. Because we choose to love, every day.
Maya's story is different. I grew attached to Maya the moment I knew she was born. Because she is my son's biological sister, I thought of her as mine too. When we first got the call that she had been born I couldn't wait to hold her, to kiss her, to love and nurture her just like her brother. Unfortunately, we had to wait a whole month before we could even see her or know more about her. It was torture. But the day we picked her from the hospital, when I saw her laying in the little bassinet, she was so tiny and fragile and vulnerable. She was sleeping rolled over to one side facing away from us. I rolled her over and, I swear, her face was the most beautiful I've ever seen. And that's not because I was biased, I usually think all newborns are kind of funny looking. But she was beautiful since the day she was born and I get comments everywhere I go reiterating the same thing. She is just a gorgeous girl, inside and out. And she melts my heart every day.
My son is three and my daughter is five months and I can't imagine my life without them. I can't imagine that our house would be filled with as much joy, laughter, sometimes frustration, and love if they were not here. A day doesn't go by that I'm not thankful for them, what they've taught me, and how I've grown. Big hugs and slimy kisses are the only reward I need.
Love you Bubba and Munchkin.
So if you want to participate in defending orphans, post this on your own blog so that when people search for the movie, they are flooded with positive messages about adoption and orphan care.
2. Focus on your orphan care or adoption story that is positive, redeeming, and full of love.
3. Link your post here via a trackback or comment.
4. Send out an e-mail, Facebook message, or tweet to get others to do the same on their blogs.
to tell their "orphan" story in hopes of flooding the google search with positive stories. So I'm adding mine.
First of all, my kids are not orphans. I know their birthmom and am beginning to have somewhat of a relationship with her. But I interpreted the idea to include adoption stories as well. My son is adopted from the foster care system and my daughter is in the process of being adopted from foster care. My last post included a lot of negative feelings and struggles we're experiencing but this post is going to focus on the positive. Because despite all the frustration and pain, there are heaps and heaps of wonderful memories filled with joy. And most of all, there is love.
I'll be the first to tell you, love just isn't enough to heal, change, or "fix" our children who've suffered great loss and trauma. But it is important. Because we love our son with all our hearts, we are able to accept who he is, who he will become, and stick with him, no matter what. You canread our story from the beginning here. Part 2 is here. Stage 2 - Grieving is here. Stage 3 - Anger is here. And the last part is here.
But now I'm going to tell you my TRUE "orphan" story. Mateo and Maya are the light of our lives. From the first glimpse we saw of Mateo, we've loved him. I still remember one of the first days we had him in our lives. My mom came to visit and Mateo (15 months old at the time but really more like a baby) clung to me like a little baby monkey on his mama. His little hands grabbed onto my shirt as he hid his face in my chest. I had to fight to hold back the tears. I can say, really truly, without a doubt, that I loved that little boy just as much as someone who had just given birth to their baby in a hospital. Even though he looked very different from us, even though he came with his own history and his own personality we didn't know or understand, and even though it took him much longer to love us, we loved him because we knew he was ours. We claimed him from the moment his social worker came to our house with his file and picture. He was meant to be ours, always and forever. He's not old enough to understand adoption and his past right now. But I tell him everyday that he's my favorite boy. And if I ask him, "who's my favorite boy?" he says with great pride, "me!" He makes me laugh everyday. He makes me cry some days. But mostly, we feel like the luckiest people alive. We had to work (hard) for his love and trust, but it was worth it. Hearing his little voice from the backseat of my car everyday when I pick him up from preschool say, "mommy, wha-jew (love you)" makes it worth every drop of sweat and every tear we've shed the last two years. My orphan story has a happy ending. Because we choose to love, every day.
Maya's story is different. I grew attached to Maya the moment I knew she was born. Because she is my son's biological sister, I thought of her as mine too. When we first got the call that she had been born I couldn't wait to hold her, to kiss her, to love and nurture her just like her brother. Unfortunately, we had to wait a whole month before we could even see her or know more about her. It was torture. But the day we picked her from the hospital, when I saw her laying in the little bassinet, she was so tiny and fragile and vulnerable. She was sleeping rolled over to one side facing away from us. I rolled her over and, I swear, her face was the most beautiful I've ever seen. And that's not because I was biased, I usually think all newborns are kind of funny looking. But she was beautiful since the day she was born and I get comments everywhere I go reiterating the same thing. She is just a gorgeous girl, inside and out. And she melts my heart every day.
My son is three and my daughter is five months and I can't imagine my life without them. I can't imagine that our house would be filled with as much joy, laughter, sometimes frustration, and love if they were not here. A day doesn't go by that I'm not thankful for them, what they've taught me, and how I've grown. Big hugs and slimy kisses are the only reward I need.
Love you Bubba and Munchkin.
So if you want to participate in defending orphans, post this on your own blog so that when people search for the movie, they are flooded with positive messages about adoption and orphan care.
Just finish this sentence: "Warner Bros. new horror movie Orphan proclaims that it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own. Let me tell you about how an orphan changed my life..."
1. Write a "positive protest post" on your blog that references the movie, Orphan.2. Focus on your orphan care or adoption story that is positive, redeeming, and full of love.
3. Link your post here via a trackback or comment.
4. Send out an e-mail, Facebook message, or tweet to get others to do the same on their blogs.
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Trials of Loving Mateo
First of all, sorry this is long. But I had to write it. We are at the point now in our parenting journey with Mateo where we've tried every technique and strategy we've thought of, read, or someone told us to do, and have had no lasting real results or change. I've blamed myself, evaluated my parenting strengths and weaknesses, asked others to evaluate my parenting, and blamed myself some more.
We started off being consistent parents with high standards. But after parenting Mateo for almost two years, the term "picking your battles" has taken on a new meaning. Because everything is a battle. And our standards have dropped, in some ways. Because honestly, who has the energy to make a battle out of everything? So we let a lot of things go. And let me remind you, this is after two years of really trying to change behavior. Because if we choose the battle, we know we're in it for the long haul. Which could mean five minutes or it could mean more than an hour. And the battle could include spitting, scratching, hitting, tantruming, throwing things, calling names, knocking things over, and so on. So you have to ask yourself, a) do I have the time to fight this battle right now b) do I have the energy to fight this battle and c) do I have the patience not to get the sudden urge to get in the car and drive as far away from here as possible?
I'm positive that it wouldn't matter what parents Mateo had, he would still be Mateo, and still struggling like he is now. So I quit blaming myself. Although I have my doubts if I'm doing the right thing, I'm convinced that it's not my fault. Even spoiled children don't have the same issues Mateo does.
So, to other people who don't know us well, don't know our journey, or how far we've come, it would seem as if we're spoiling him and creating this monster. I know that if I was on the outside I would think the same thing. It's true we choose to ignore a lot but unless we want our entire existence to be centered around time-outs and behavior management plans, we just have to. That, and we're tired. So tired. Sometimes I just can not think of a thing to do except cover my head with my hands and cry. It sounds terrible, I know. Sometimes it is that terrible. And sometimes it's not. Some days are really great. But inevitably, after a good day, or a few good days, things go back to "normal". It's funny. I used to think that the good days were normal and the bad days weren't.
Now that he's three, and this has been going on for almost two years, I'm fearful. I know you are probably thinking, he's only three. Three year olds are always difficult, don't label him yet, there's time to change, and all that. But it's hard not to think of the future. Just watching Mateo's inability to cope with anything makes me genuinely worried. Any emotion, feeling, problem, frustration, he just can't cope. You can't get very far in life without the ability to cope. And I don't mean after a long time of trying he loses it. Mateo doesn't wind up to being upset. His switch comes on in seconds. Literally seconds and he's gone off the deep end. And I can't get him back for a while. And usually the problems or frustrations come one after another, over and over, to the point that he's miserable and I'm miserable for an entire afternoon. And he may never recover fully until there's some big change. Either a nap, or going for a ride somewhere, or maybe putting a movie in. It isn't my favorite thing to do as a parent but I do rely on the TV a lot. I never thought I would be that kind of parent. But then again, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do, that I have.
Lately I've been feeling very sad for Mateo. No kid should have the troubles he has. A kid should just be a kid. They should be happy and carefree, not miserable because of the tiniest little things. I really hope this isn't his whole childhood. I hope for his sake (and mine, I suppose) he can stabilize a bit. For now, we really can't follow through much with consequences. Most of the time all we can do is help (or wait for) Mateo to calm down so we can move on. We do make him use his words if he's been screaming. And we do make him apologize if he's hurt someone, physically or by calling names. But he still does it, all the time.
The two main reactions I have when talking to people about Mateo are judgment and disbelief. People will run down the list. Have you tried this... or maybe if you do that .... or he just needs...whatever. If the solution was so easy, don't you think two intelligent, resourceful people such as ourselves would have tried it? And we have. We've read so many books, I've attended so many parenting/adoption/behavior workshops, we've talked to so many professionals. But I have yet to find a strategy that a) works and b) is practical for real life. And other people, who haven't seen this side of Mateo (although it is becoming more apparent and he is losing the ability to hold it together for long) stare at me in shock and horror. Who? Mateo? No way! He's so good. All (enter age) year olds are like that. And then I feel like an idiot who's making a big deal out of normal kid things. So I either stop telling people about it or, if I really want to or need to, I tell them how he put a hole in our wall (which he did). That usually helps them believe me.
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on the positive. This, of course, also relates to what kind of day we've had. Has he been on a really good streak, where he's listening well, behaving appropriately, etc? Or has it been a really bad day (or few days) where he is all of things I wrote above? This will determine my reaction to other people. But most of the time, I feel like he's a handful. A big handful. And when people see him in public or at church Sunday School when he is behaving well (not saying he usually behaves well in public) they comment on how good he is, or cute, or smart, or whatever. And I usually think to myself, yeah right, you should've seen him this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Of course we all have those moments with our kids. Strangers or acquaintances see this angelic child all dressed up in cute clothes and an innocent grin when you could have torn the little devil's head off just a few moments before. That's normal. But with Mateo, it's very hard for me to agree that, yes, he is a good boy. Not because I think he is bad. But....we struggle. And when I'm having a particularly hard day, I literally have to think of all the wonderful, funny, cute, and loving things about him, just to keep the negative thoughts away. Of course, I'll always be his mom. And I'll always feel like his mom. I have very strong maternal instincts. Even when I don't particularly like him at one time or another, I'll always be there to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. Maybe that's the only thing I can do for him. Maybe I can't change anything but just love him through it. Maybe that's something another family couldn't do and that's why he's come to us.
Anyway, there it is. Typing all of this out has helped me process all my feelings. Maybe some of you are dealing with the same types of problems, feelings, whatever, and now you know you're not alone. I don't really know. Maybe this was a post just for me and that's all. Either way, I hope you'll keep your comments positive. I already feel self-conscious of my parenting. I don't need anymore judgment.
We started off being consistent parents with high standards. But after parenting Mateo for almost two years, the term "picking your battles" has taken on a new meaning. Because everything is a battle. And our standards have dropped, in some ways. Because honestly, who has the energy to make a battle out of everything? So we let a lot of things go. And let me remind you, this is after two years of really trying to change behavior. Because if we choose the battle, we know we're in it for the long haul. Which could mean five minutes or it could mean more than an hour. And the battle could include spitting, scratching, hitting, tantruming, throwing things, calling names, knocking things over, and so on. So you have to ask yourself, a) do I have the time to fight this battle right now b) do I have the energy to fight this battle and c) do I have the patience not to get the sudden urge to get in the car and drive as far away from here as possible?
I'm positive that it wouldn't matter what parents Mateo had, he would still be Mateo, and still struggling like he is now. So I quit blaming myself. Although I have my doubts if I'm doing the right thing, I'm convinced that it's not my fault. Even spoiled children don't have the same issues Mateo does.
So, to other people who don't know us well, don't know our journey, or how far we've come, it would seem as if we're spoiling him and creating this monster. I know that if I was on the outside I would think the same thing. It's true we choose to ignore a lot but unless we want our entire existence to be centered around time-outs and behavior management plans, we just have to. That, and we're tired. So tired. Sometimes I just can not think of a thing to do except cover my head with my hands and cry. It sounds terrible, I know. Sometimes it is that terrible. And sometimes it's not. Some days are really great. But inevitably, after a good day, or a few good days, things go back to "normal". It's funny. I used to think that the good days were normal and the bad days weren't.
Now that he's three, and this has been going on for almost two years, I'm fearful. I know you are probably thinking, he's only three. Three year olds are always difficult, don't label him yet, there's time to change, and all that. But it's hard not to think of the future. Just watching Mateo's inability to cope with anything makes me genuinely worried. Any emotion, feeling, problem, frustration, he just can't cope. You can't get very far in life without the ability to cope. And I don't mean after a long time of trying he loses it. Mateo doesn't wind up to being upset. His switch comes on in seconds. Literally seconds and he's gone off the deep end. And I can't get him back for a while. And usually the problems or frustrations come one after another, over and over, to the point that he's miserable and I'm miserable for an entire afternoon. And he may never recover fully until there's some big change. Either a nap, or going for a ride somewhere, or maybe putting a movie in. It isn't my favorite thing to do as a parent but I do rely on the TV a lot. I never thought I would be that kind of parent. But then again, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do, that I have.
Lately I've been feeling very sad for Mateo. No kid should have the troubles he has. A kid should just be a kid. They should be happy and carefree, not miserable because of the tiniest little things. I really hope this isn't his whole childhood. I hope for his sake (and mine, I suppose) he can stabilize a bit. For now, we really can't follow through much with consequences. Most of the time all we can do is help (or wait for) Mateo to calm down so we can move on. We do make him use his words if he's been screaming. And we do make him apologize if he's hurt someone, physically or by calling names. But he still does it, all the time.
The two main reactions I have when talking to people about Mateo are judgment and disbelief. People will run down the list. Have you tried this... or maybe if you do that .... or he just needs...whatever. If the solution was so easy, don't you think two intelligent, resourceful people such as ourselves would have tried it? And we have. We've read so many books, I've attended so many parenting/adoption/behavior workshops, we've talked to so many professionals. But I have yet to find a strategy that a) works and b) is practical for real life. And other people, who haven't seen this side of Mateo (although it is becoming more apparent and he is losing the ability to hold it together for long) stare at me in shock and horror. Who? Mateo? No way! He's so good. All (enter age) year olds are like that. And then I feel like an idiot who's making a big deal out of normal kid things. So I either stop telling people about it or, if I really want to or need to, I tell them how he put a hole in our wall (which he did). That usually helps them believe me.
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on the positive. This, of course, also relates to what kind of day we've had. Has he been on a really good streak, where he's listening well, behaving appropriately, etc? Or has it been a really bad day (or few days) where he is all of things I wrote above? This will determine my reaction to other people. But most of the time, I feel like he's a handful. A big handful. And when people see him in public or at church Sunday School when he is behaving well (not saying he usually behaves well in public) they comment on how good he is, or cute, or smart, or whatever. And I usually think to myself, yeah right, you should've seen him this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Of course we all have those moments with our kids. Strangers or acquaintances see this angelic child all dressed up in cute clothes and an innocent grin when you could have torn the little devil's head off just a few moments before. That's normal. But with Mateo, it's very hard for me to agree that, yes, he is a good boy. Not because I think he is bad. But....we struggle. And when I'm having a particularly hard day, I literally have to think of all the wonderful, funny, cute, and loving things about him, just to keep the negative thoughts away. Of course, I'll always be his mom. And I'll always feel like his mom. I have very strong maternal instincts. Even when I don't particularly like him at one time or another, I'll always be there to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him. Maybe that's the only thing I can do for him. Maybe I can't change anything but just love him through it. Maybe that's something another family couldn't do and that's why he's come to us.
Anyway, there it is. Typing all of this out has helped me process all my feelings. Maybe some of you are dealing with the same types of problems, feelings, whatever, and now you know you're not alone. I don't really know. Maybe this was a post just for me and that's all. Either way, I hope you'll keep your comments positive. I already feel self-conscious of my parenting. I don't need anymore judgment.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
OT Eval
So we took Mateo to an outpatient OT (occupational therapy) clinic and had mixed results. Not in the fact that he could use therapy, he definitely can. But in my interpretation of this particular place. First of all, the therapist was one of those people who stands just a little too close, and then doesn't pick up on the hint when you keep taking a step back. Aside from invading my personal space multiple times, she was a bit scattered. I would say she is NOT a very down-to-earth person. In fact, I'd say she was on her own planet. The whole thing was just a little bit too "out there" for me. Even her approach was very alternative. And I don't have a problem with alternative treatment, but when it doesn't make sense to me and I can't find a lot of research on it, I tend to now want to waste my time and energy.
She also freaked Mateo out a bit. When she wanted to interact with him, she didn't really talk to him or explain what she was doing. She just kind of did it and made silly noises and songs at the same time. Mateo is not used to interacting with people from a different planet. Not that we don't sing or aren't silly at all. But we're not completely illogical or cuckoo. She would grab him and try to touch him to check his flexibility or whatever and at the same time (I suppose to distract him) would say, "La, la, la, la, do you like to sing? Mommy mommy mommy, I like saying mommy." And Mateo looked at me like, "what is with this lady?" Maybe it would have worked if he was younger. But as delayed as he is, he does have a clue.
But he doesn't like to be touched by people he doesn't know or when it's not on his terms. He loves people and is very social, but he has a hard time with people who are very forward. He likes to be in control of things. And with this person trying to touch him and being completely ridiculous, he was very nervous and clung to me a lot, which is not like him. So it wasn't a good fit. I think for someone who was more interested in an alternative approach, instead of just straight SI therapy like me, and for someone who didn't mind the therapist's personality, it could work. She was very knowledgeable and seemed to have some amount of skills. But I need to be able to communicate efficiently with my son's team of teachers and therapists, and there was just no satellite service on this lady's planet.
So we are getting another eval at a different place, a more traditional SI therapeutic facility, with a "normal" therapist. And hopefully will be able to start therapy soon.
My next post is going to be about all of the struggles we have with Mateo in detail and what we're in the process of figuring out. Stay tuned, it will be an intense one. And then to balance that, I have a funny post about ridiculous ideas and suggestions in parenting magazines. Seriously, are the people who edit these even parents?
She also freaked Mateo out a bit. When she wanted to interact with him, she didn't really talk to him or explain what she was doing. She just kind of did it and made silly noises and songs at the same time. Mateo is not used to interacting with people from a different planet. Not that we don't sing or aren't silly at all. But we're not completely illogical or cuckoo. She would grab him and try to touch him to check his flexibility or whatever and at the same time (I suppose to distract him) would say, "La, la, la, la, do you like to sing? Mommy mommy mommy, I like saying mommy." And Mateo looked at me like, "what is with this lady?" Maybe it would have worked if he was younger. But as delayed as he is, he does have a clue.
But he doesn't like to be touched by people he doesn't know or when it's not on his terms. He loves people and is very social, but he has a hard time with people who are very forward. He likes to be in control of things. And with this person trying to touch him and being completely ridiculous, he was very nervous and clung to me a lot, which is not like him. So it wasn't a good fit. I think for someone who was more interested in an alternative approach, instead of just straight SI therapy like me, and for someone who didn't mind the therapist's personality, it could work. She was very knowledgeable and seemed to have some amount of skills. But I need to be able to communicate efficiently with my son's team of teachers and therapists, and there was just no satellite service on this lady's planet.
So we are getting another eval at a different place, a more traditional SI therapeutic facility, with a "normal" therapist. And hopefully will be able to start therapy soon.
My next post is going to be about all of the struggles we have with Mateo in detail and what we're in the process of figuring out. Stay tuned, it will be an intense one. And then to balance that, I have a funny post about ridiculous ideas and suggestions in parenting magazines. Seriously, are the people who edit these even parents?
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