Thursday, May 22, 2008

Boob bottles, talking urinals, and other riduculous baby products

Okay, things are getting just a little too crazy in the baby world. I got a major children's company catalog in the mail today. I won't mention the name of the company because I don't want to piss anyone off, not that there's anyone important reading this (no offense) but you never know. These baby companies may just employ little baby assassins to come after anyone who disses their products online.

Anyway, I was browsing through the catalog, simply for lack of better reading material not because I would ever order something. Children's catalogs are like the SkyMall to me, overpriced and totally pointless (anyone you know have a $200 DaVinci Code Cryptex... or a talking plastic urinal for potty training?). I just couldn't believe the products this catalog (whose motto is "thoughtfully selected products to help with baby...every step of the way") was selling! I had to laugh out loud, and sometimes vomit a little in my mouth, when I saw this stuff. I've compiled a list of the dumbest of the dumb so you can have a nice laugh as well. Just don't eat a big lunch before reading this.

The first three are safety items: Inflatable tub walls, baby knee pads for crawling, and, I am not making this up, a helmet for babies. Seriously, why don't we just wrap them all in bubble wrap? Or even better, keep them in a giant hamster ball? People must think babies are getting dumber by the generation. When I was little we didn't even wear helmets riding our bikes, forget about while learning to walk or crawl. Baby gates? No way! You fell down the stairs once, and you can bet you were more careful next time! In our parents generation the kids rode on the hood of Uncle Johnny's car for fun! Now, God forbid our little angel bump his little noggin while, let's see, learning to roll over! It's disturbing. This is my take on the tub walls....after Mateo fell over a few times in the tub and, gasp, bumped his head, he learned how to sit in the tub without slipping. And luckily for him, I wasn't in the other room catching up on "So You Think You Can Dance", I was right next to the tub ready to give him a pep talk and help him back up. Inflatable tub walls...maybe, if you're kid is an idiot or you're more neurotic than a poodle on speed.

Next, long sleeve swimsuits. Are your kids allergic to the sun? If not, there's no excuse. Are you going for the Marcia Cross look? Do you want your kids to look like their dead? You can't shield your child from everything. Especially not something 1.3 millions times bigger than the earth!

Oh the baby monitors! When I was a baby, I was the monitor. If I screamed, something was wrong. And you can bet if something was wrong you would hear it across the neighborhood. Now we have state-of-the-art high resolution color flat screen baby monitor with night vision. Oh, and it can attach to your TV too. Hmm....can't think of anything better to watch than a sleeping baby. Even West Wing is more exciting.

Memorabilia: it seems we have traded in our bronzed baby shoes for....a delux memory mold infant keepsake, where you can accessorize your living room with a die cast of your babies fist. First of all, I have yet to find a furniture set that matches "baby fist" theme or the God-awful color of bland clay. Second, I love my kid, but his fist (which has pulled my hair, hit me in the face, knocked over plants, and broke my DVD player) does not give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside when I look at it standing in the middle of my coffee table. Can't we just stick to good old fashioned family pictures?

Baby gates...again. I just have to mention, in this particular catalog, there are 3 full spread pages devoted to baby gates. There is such thing as baby proofing overkill.

Pampering your child: a foot rest for your toddler's car seat. Well, would you like a massage during your travels, sir? Or perhaps a martini?

And my favorite: "The bottle most like Mom's breast!" is a bottle that, literally, looks like a boob, nipple and all. Scary.

You know what all these over-protected, over indulged, pampered children are going to turn into? Either psycho-path serial killers with odd fetishes that still live with their parents or, Paris Hilton. Good luck with that.

1 comment:

Stefanie said...

I agree and especially with the video monitors. It takes a special kind of neurosis to want to watch your child every second of every day even while they sleep. I laughed out loud at the babyfist. That is pure insanity. But it did give me an idea: I'm going to make a bronze statue of each of my children every year until I have to buy a new house to have as a museum.