An Odd Conversation: Take II

A conversation last night. Seriously, I'm not making this up.

Me: If I was attacked, would you fight for me?

Dave: Hmm...does the attacker have a gun?

Me: No. No weapons. Just a fist fight and whatever is laying around. Like a chair.

Dave: So a chair fight?

Me: Or whatever is laying around. You're at a fisherman's warf with a big dock going out to the ocean. There's lots of stuff around you can use.

Dave: How big is he?

Me: Honey, the answer I'm looking for is a simple yes.

Dave: Would I die if I fought?

Me: If you lost!

Dave: Then I probably wouldn't.

Me: What!?

Dave: Well, if I don't fight, at least one of us would be alive for Mateo. If I did fight, there is a 50% chance Mateo would be orphaned. I would do whatever I could to make sure one of us lives.

Me: What if the guy was small and you could take him?

Dave: Maybe.

Me: Honey! Where's the emotion? Where's the fury? Where's the passion?

Dave: The mind doesn't think sensibly when it's full of emotion. I have to evaluate the situation and weigh the risks carefully to assess the likelihood of the outcome I desire.

Me: Too late. I'm dead. You have one second to decide whether to fight or watch me die.

Dave: This is ridiculous. I'm not validating it anymore with an argument.

Me: Fine! You're a terrible husband today!

Later.

Me: What if there's no chance you would die if you fought?

Dave: Does he have a gun?

Me: No. It's a street fight. In a back alley.

Dave: Then, yes, I would. I would be injured to any degree for you. I would even die for you if it meant you would definitely live.

Me: I would totally fight for you, live or die. I would pick up a brick and throw it at his head, then jump on him and slam his head on the concrete until there was blood everywhere.

Dave: I would hope not. That's impractical. If you threw the brick and you missed, you wouldn't have it anymore.

Me: I wouldn't miss. Adrenaline enhances the senses. I would be faster and stronger. You really wouldn't do the same for me?

Dave: Depends. Who's closer to the brick?

Me: Ugh! You're impossible!

Pause

Me: Well, the point is moot anyway. I would never get abducted. I'm too smart and resourceful.

Dave: I'm gonna hire someone to abduct you just to prove you're wrong.

Me: That's terrible! Someone could get hurt. Most likely you, when I found out.

Pause

Me: You wouldn't really do that honey, would you?

Dave: The fact that you even have to ask just proves your lack of faith in me.

Me: Well, I know you have some friends that would love that.

Dave: (chuckle) Yeah.

Silence

Me: Stop plotting!