Dave's Advice to New Fathers

"Play your X-box/Playstation/Wii as much as possible until the baby is born. Then sell it and use the money to buy the best diaper contraption on the market, lots of air fresheners, and a big handful of those yellow gloves that go up to your elbows."

All Husbands Should Go to Motivational Workshops

Dave went to a Motivational Conference for work this week. That evening, this is what transpired.

Dave: Honey, I just want to say thank you for all you do for me and the kids. I appreciate it and I don't know what I'd do without you.

Me: Ooookaaaay....

Later...

Dave: You are so smart and beautiful.

Me: Do you want something? Or do you have some bad news to tell me?

Dave: No, I'm just recharging you.

Me: Oh. Do you need to be recharged?

Dave: No. Seeing Mateo run to me when I got home was recharging enough.

Me: You're freaking me out. What's going on? Did you get all this from your motivational conference?

Dave: Yeah, I guess I did.

Me: Well, if that's the case, I'm sending you to one every week.

Dear Lord, Please Help My Daughter Take Home a Crown

Things heard on "Toddlers and Tiaras", a TLC show about child beauty pageants:


"Sierra is very shy. Pageants will help her get over her shyness." - as mom forces her crying daughter on to the stage.


"Both my twins do pageants but Maddy wins more. I don't have favorites but Riley's nose is a little crooked and she's not as outgoing. That's why she doesn't win."


"My daughter isn't spoiled. She just gets what she wants."


"We go to pageants to win the money. You can win up to $1000 at a pageant."

Later, when asked how much she spent on pageants, "about $10,000."


"If we saved the money we spent on pageants, I would have enough to send all three of my girls to college."


"I have three boys. They all do pageants because I wanted girls."


"Dear Lord, please help my girls take home a crown today."


"I take pageants seriously because Hailey takes pageants seriously." How old is Hailey? Four.


Pageant question: What do you want to be when you grow up. "I want to marry a rich man!"


"Pageants have given Isabella confidence. Now when someone pays her a compliment she says, 'I know!'"


"My daughter gets highlights because her hair color is very average." Mom of a 6 year old.


"Tanning is no big deal. I actually prefer my daughter tanned because her natural complexion is too fair." Mom of 7 year old.



Add on top of this the skimpy clothing, WAY too much makeup and hair pieces, and the dance routines that include shaking their hips and butts, and winking and blowing kisses to the judges. Is anyone else deeply disturbed by this?

Stealing? Already?!

Mateo pulled an unfamiliar toy car out of his backpack yesterday. Neither Dave nor I could recognize where it came from. So we asked Mateo.

Me: Where did you get that car?

Mateo: Preschool.

Me: Preschool? Did you take it home from preschool in your backpack?

Mateo: Yes.

Me: Well you can't do that. That doesn't belong to you, it has to stay at school. We'll bring it back on Tuesday.

Mateo: Ha, ha, tricked you!

Me: You tricked me? You mean you didn't take it from preschool?

Mateo: Yeah, preschool.

Dave: You mean you tricked the teachers at preschool to take the car?

Mateo: Yeah.


So from what I can gather from the conversation is that Mateo tricked the teachers by hiding the toy car in his backpack so that he could take it home. Great. So we've got a klepto on our hands. Maybe they need to install metal detectors. Or search Mateo everyday before he leaves the building.